It's getting to where it's hard to even put a title to my blog posts. What do you title something where you're talking about your husbands terminal cancer? This will be another tough post. So we are finding out that the tumors are starting to grow again. Not only did the nurse call us with that information, but with Scott's pain level increasing as well as how often the pain is there, we know the meds have quit doing their thing. This was so totally devastating news to us. Then we found out that the options we have, may not even be good options for us...unless we can keep the cancer from growing back in his brain.
Scott and I had a talk last night (ok, so I broke down and he was my shoulder), and talked out some of the tough stuff. We discussed that he is ok with being buried in Scott City, and we also decided that the Baptist Church in Scott City will be the best option for where to have his funeral. We have songs picked out, we even have most of the pallbearers picked out. And then I sit here typing this and I think "this is so stupid! who in the world has to discuss possible funeral plans with their husband while at the same time raise a toddler?" It's just not fair.....totally not fair.
I asked a really tough question of Scott last night. I wasn't sure I would like the answer, but I had to compare his thoughts with my thoughts. I can't even believe I'm about to type this, but since last fall I've always had in my gut that this year would probably be our last year with Scott. I try to convince myself that it's just my fear telling me this, but I know the difference between my fear and my gut. So this was the question I asked Scott "do you have any thoughts or feelings about how much time you may have?" His answer, "The way things are going now, I think it could be at the end of this year." I had just gotten done telling my mom that I thought it would be the end of this year or beginning of next year. So our time frames are about the same.
I hate the thought of this. To know that this year when we celebrate special occasions and milestones, they very well could be the last ones that Scott gets to take part in. How will I hold my family together after this? I'm holding on to the hope that Scott and I have it wrong. That maybe God is bringing us to the point of thinking about what it would be like to lose him, and then our miracle will happen. I know God is capable of it, I just know He is. But what if it's not in the plan? What if the bigger picture doesn't include Scott spending a lifetime with me?
I had put on my facebook status that this was the hardest thing I had ever in my life had to face, and that was totally the truth. I would gladly take on infertility any day of the week than have to face losing my husband to the cruel beast called melanoma.
I have to have at least one good thing to my blog post today. So here it is: Scott gets to fulfill his dream of playing the drums with his number one southern gospel group, Jeff and Sheri Easter. I'm so excited for him! This was one thing he told me that he has always wanted to do....so God made it happen (with the help of some wonderful people spreading the word). This gives us an awesome thing to look forward to in the middle of our h-e-double hockey sticks. I am also trying to find a time to fit in a trip to Disney World. This is my dream for our family, for our kids to know that they got to experience Disney with their daddy before he was gone. We'll see what I can get done with that.
This has been the toughest post I've ever had to type out. I know in my heart what all of this means, but to see it with my eyes....that's just hard. We're going to keep praying for healing and we're going to keep fighting. "Fight to the Death" is what I think we said to each other last night. Know that our faith still holds strong, even through our grief and pain. Without God right by our side, I know that we would not have made it this far.
