"Joyful, Joyful we adore Thee, God of glory Lord of Love"
This describes me lately. I feel like I'm just overflowing with joy. My life feels so complete and whole. I feel like I want to erupt with joy "lava" and spew it all over everyone I meet. I love the man I'm married to and I love my three children.
But today something hit me as I was thinking about how complete and full of joy my life is right now. Why was I not this full of joy before? Seriously, the Bible tells us to be joyful in all things. We are to be content where God has us at all times, even when we think we should be somewhere else.
I'm gonna be honest, I'm a bit ashamed of myself that I only let the Joy of the Lord truly come into my life after God gave me "what I wanted". Don't get me wrong, I still should be thankful that God even did this for me. But why in the world did He give me, someone who wasn't truly content where he had me before, the desires of my heart?
He should have sat back and said, "silly, child, you aren't even happy with the things I gave you, why should I give you more?" But because I serve a God of Grace and Mercy, He instead said, "I love you my child with an everlasting love. I have seen the desires of your heart, and as your daddy in heaven I want to see you with those desires."
I am going to choose from this day on, to be joyful, even if I don't always feel like I'm where I want to be. Because if God can still give wonderful gift to an ungrateful person like me, then I can show Him that I will be content where He has me.
For example, I'll be honest, I am not really fond of the town I live in. I've wanted to move for quite a few years now, but God keeps saying no to us. We have a few people we get a long with, but I'll be honest, we don't feel we are truly accepted here. We don't fit into the cliques that exist here. I guess this is a good thing, because most of them get along for reasons we don't want to belong to them. It's just tough not having many people to do things with.
But I can choose at this point to be joyful because God gave me a house to live in and food to eat as well as many other things. Or I can wallow in self-pity and depression because I didn't get what I want. Maybe God's just waiting for me to be truly content where He has me. Or maybe, just maybe, we have a purpose here that just hasn't been fulfilled yet.
I will choose to have joy. Who knows, maybe because we don't fit in very well, we can be an example to some that we know how to have fun without living all the "earthly" ways.
"Joyful, Joyful, we adore Thee. God of glory, Lord of Love"
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Christmas-time is here!
It's almost Christmas!!! My favorite holiday of the whole year! It's always been a magical time of year for me. When I was little, I always loved the idea that Santa was gonna come on Christmas Eve and leave presents for me (and eat the cookies and milk I left for him). Not sure why it has always been so magical, but it has.
Then when I got married, I still did my best to make it a magical time. I still had Santa bring presents for my husband (too bad Santa didn't get the hint and leave me gifts....lol).
Then we adopted Martie. I was so excited because I was going to get to pass on my Santa traditions with my child. But when you get a teenager, you chance them not wanting to do anything with the whole "Santa Claus thing". She humored me for 2 years and then it just wasn't fun anymore, I guess. But I still tried.
Now we have two new ones in our house. Santa is back in full force. Even though Elizabeth is 15, she missed so much of her childhood that she has started reverting back to some childish ways. Some would think this is crazy, but we found this is the only way that they are able to move forward in life. So at 15, she's gone back to believing in Santa. And I'm right there with her...I've never quit believing in Santa.
She wrote him a letter this year...and he wrote her back a very detailed letter. He even brought our family some movies already so that we can watch as a family. Ironically, he brought the "Santa Clause" movies with Tim Allen. She asks me questions quite frequently about Santa's magic and I do my best to answer. I don't know all his ways of magic, but I share what I've learned over the years. We get many answers from the "Santa" movies we watch.
I never knew how much more magical it is when you get to "be" Santa to your children. To watch their eyes light up with the joy of the Christmas season. To see them believe in things they can only imagine in their minds. I really can't wait until next year when John is a year old. Not that he will understand everything, but it will be a start of showing him the magic that happens only once a year.
I know that the real reason for celebrating is not Santa. It's about our Saviors birth. I have never neglected to at least try and teach our children that part of it as well. I just can't give up the Santa part because I just remember the feelings I used to have of awe and wonder. Almost this joy and peace that passes all understanding.
In a way, it all brought me closer to a faith in God because it taught me that there are things that we can't see and can't fully understand and you still gotta believe. Santa taught me about love. Because no matter how "naughty" I might have been, he always had the grace to leave presents under the tree. This taught me that we all make mistakes and there's always room for forgiveness.
This is what I want Santa to do for my children. To teach them about faith. That my life verse would come alive in many ways in their lives.
Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."
This is why Christmas is my favorite time of year.
Then when I got married, I still did my best to make it a magical time. I still had Santa bring presents for my husband (too bad Santa didn't get the hint and leave me gifts....lol).
Then we adopted Martie. I was so excited because I was going to get to pass on my Santa traditions with my child. But when you get a teenager, you chance them not wanting to do anything with the whole "Santa Claus thing". She humored me for 2 years and then it just wasn't fun anymore, I guess. But I still tried.
Now we have two new ones in our house. Santa is back in full force. Even though Elizabeth is 15, she missed so much of her childhood that she has started reverting back to some childish ways. Some would think this is crazy, but we found this is the only way that they are able to move forward in life. So at 15, she's gone back to believing in Santa. And I'm right there with her...I've never quit believing in Santa.
She wrote him a letter this year...and he wrote her back a very detailed letter. He even brought our family some movies already so that we can watch as a family. Ironically, he brought the "Santa Clause" movies with Tim Allen. She asks me questions quite frequently about Santa's magic and I do my best to answer. I don't know all his ways of magic, but I share what I've learned over the years. We get many answers from the "Santa" movies we watch.
I never knew how much more magical it is when you get to "be" Santa to your children. To watch their eyes light up with the joy of the Christmas season. To see them believe in things they can only imagine in their minds. I really can't wait until next year when John is a year old. Not that he will understand everything, but it will be a start of showing him the magic that happens only once a year.
I know that the real reason for celebrating is not Santa. It's about our Saviors birth. I have never neglected to at least try and teach our children that part of it as well. I just can't give up the Santa part because I just remember the feelings I used to have of awe and wonder. Almost this joy and peace that passes all understanding.
In a way, it all brought me closer to a faith in God because it taught me that there are things that we can't see and can't fully understand and you still gotta believe. Santa taught me about love. Because no matter how "naughty" I might have been, he always had the grace to leave presents under the tree. This taught me that we all make mistakes and there's always room for forgiveness.
This is what I want Santa to do for my children. To teach them about faith. That my life verse would come alive in many ways in their lives.
Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."
This is why Christmas is my favorite time of year.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Excuse this mess
Life really gets away from a person sometimes. Here lately, I feel as if I can't seem to keep my head above water for very long. Between trying to clean house, make meals, go to appointments, take care of a baby, and discipline 2 teen girls, I don't get much done. And most of the time it's my house that doesn't get clean.
Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, my kids and my life overall..but sometimes this mama feels a bit overwhelmed.
My problem is that I compare myself to others. I visit others homes and I see houses cleaner than mine. I watch tv (don't judge me...I'm not the only one who does this) and I compare my house to what I see. I've been watching "Leave It To Beaver" lately and it's very intimidating to watch a woman who's house is always clean and she is always nice to her husband.
I know that I can't expect things to be perfect, but I just want to be a little closer than I am now.
I want to be able to have someone stop by on a whim and not have to feel ashamed of the 2 and a half inches of dust on my shelves and tv stand. And not have so much dirt ground into my carpet that it looks like we need to plant grass. Anyone with me so far? There's gotta be someone out there that feels this same way...deep down inside somewhere.
And then I think about those poems and sayings that talk about how having a perfect looking house is not what's important...it's the time you have as a family. The memories you make together. Maybe it's time that I quit trying to make everything look like June Cleaver's house. After all, that's a staged tv show, and in reality she doesn't ever have to actually clean that house.
It's Christmas time and my favorite time of year. I guess it's time to get on with Christmas and make some magical memories in this family.
Excuse This House
Some houses try to hide the fact
That children shelter there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly,
The signs are every where.
For smears are on the windows,
Little smudges on the doors;
I should apologize I guess
For toys strewn on the floor.
But I sat down with the children
And we played and laughed and read,
And if the doorbell doesn't shine,
Their eyes will shine instead.
For when at times I'm forced to
Choose the one job or the other,
I want to be a housewife...
But first I'll be a mother.
Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, my kids and my life overall..but sometimes this mama feels a bit overwhelmed.
My problem is that I compare myself to others. I visit others homes and I see houses cleaner than mine. I watch tv (don't judge me...I'm not the only one who does this) and I compare my house to what I see. I've been watching "Leave It To Beaver" lately and it's very intimidating to watch a woman who's house is always clean and she is always nice to her husband.
I know that I can't expect things to be perfect, but I just want to be a little closer than I am now.
I want to be able to have someone stop by on a whim and not have to feel ashamed of the 2 and a half inches of dust on my shelves and tv stand. And not have so much dirt ground into my carpet that it looks like we need to plant grass. Anyone with me so far? There's gotta be someone out there that feels this same way...deep down inside somewhere.
And then I think about those poems and sayings that talk about how having a perfect looking house is not what's important...it's the time you have as a family. The memories you make together. Maybe it's time that I quit trying to make everything look like June Cleaver's house. After all, that's a staged tv show, and in reality she doesn't ever have to actually clean that house.
It's Christmas time and my favorite time of year. I guess it's time to get on with Christmas and make some magical memories in this family.
Excuse This House
Some houses try to hide the fact
That children shelter there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly,
The signs are every where.
For smears are on the windows,
Little smudges on the doors;
I should apologize I guess
For toys strewn on the floor.
But I sat down with the children
And we played and laughed and read,
And if the doorbell doesn't shine,
Their eyes will shine instead.
For when at times I'm forced to
Choose the one job or the other,
I want to be a housewife...
But first I'll be a mother.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Scars
Since we have adopted John, I've spent a lot of time looking back at my life and seeing how God has worked. I could go on and on about the things that He was worked out that we weren't sure would work out. Each time I became a mom again was His perfect timing. Each trial that I went through was a gift from Him. Can you believe I even said that? But it's true.
One I want to focus on is how God worked out John's adoption. Scott and I had tried for somewhere between 8 and 9 years to have a baby of our own. To go even further back, I've had PCOS for as long as I can remember. I was told in High School that I might never be able to have a baby. I was never sure if it was the dr that said that making me think it or if it was God, but I've always felt that wouldn't have my own children. But that never kept me from trying.
I also remember saying that Scott and I had a time limit on our trying. For some reason, even in my early 20's, I would say that Scott and I only had until I was 30 to try for a baby. This used to make Scott frustrated because he didn't feel that we should put a time limit on it. But there was more to it than just selfishness.
My PCOS got worse and worse as time went on, and finally this year Scott and I made a decision that took a lot of faith. I knew deep down that I would not be having my own baby and I kept trying not to try. I kept trying to give it all to God, but I would end up wanting to "try" again.
At the beginning of the year, Scott and I decided that we wanted to ask a dr to let me have a hysterectomy. We saw one dr that told us just to do birth control since we weren't trying anymore. I didn't want that, I wanted it all gone. It was just time. So finally I went to see my normal dr at the clinic and he set it up for me to see the ob/gyn that visits the clinic. Somewhere around the end of April/beginning of May we saw the dr and set the date for my hysterectomy.
I thought I would cry and be upset, but it was amazing how much lighter I felt about it. Not that it was the easiest thing, but I felt so much joy and peace that I couldn't be upset.
About a week after I set my date I got a phone call about a woman who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. We called her and started contact. I wasn't sure that it would work out, but we wanted to go out on faith and see what God could do.
At the end of May, I had my hysterectomy. That day could be a blog post in itself. That's when it got tough for me. Since then, I've had 3 scars on my stomach. They have slowly gotten a little bit lighter, but I think they will always be there. Scott sees them and will sometimes comment that they remind him of the hardest decision he's seen me make. But I'm proud of my scars.
Why?
Because if it wasn't for my scars, and me giving my fertility up to God once and for all, I would not have my baby. So I look at my scars with joy, not resentment. I see my scars the same way a woman with c-section scars sees her scars...as a reminder of the child God has blessed them with.
We all have scars, we all have things we've given up, either because we have to or because we have chosen to. Look at those scars with joy, not resentment, because there is always a purpose for your scars.
One I want to focus on is how God worked out John's adoption. Scott and I had tried for somewhere between 8 and 9 years to have a baby of our own. To go even further back, I've had PCOS for as long as I can remember. I was told in High School that I might never be able to have a baby. I was never sure if it was the dr that said that making me think it or if it was God, but I've always felt that wouldn't have my own children. But that never kept me from trying.
I also remember saying that Scott and I had a time limit on our trying. For some reason, even in my early 20's, I would say that Scott and I only had until I was 30 to try for a baby. This used to make Scott frustrated because he didn't feel that we should put a time limit on it. But there was more to it than just selfishness.
My PCOS got worse and worse as time went on, and finally this year Scott and I made a decision that took a lot of faith. I knew deep down that I would not be having my own baby and I kept trying not to try. I kept trying to give it all to God, but I would end up wanting to "try" again.
At the beginning of the year, Scott and I decided that we wanted to ask a dr to let me have a hysterectomy. We saw one dr that told us just to do birth control since we weren't trying anymore. I didn't want that, I wanted it all gone. It was just time. So finally I went to see my normal dr at the clinic and he set it up for me to see the ob/gyn that visits the clinic. Somewhere around the end of April/beginning of May we saw the dr and set the date for my hysterectomy.
I thought I would cry and be upset, but it was amazing how much lighter I felt about it. Not that it was the easiest thing, but I felt so much joy and peace that I couldn't be upset.
About a week after I set my date I got a phone call about a woman who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. We called her and started contact. I wasn't sure that it would work out, but we wanted to go out on faith and see what God could do.
At the end of May, I had my hysterectomy. That day could be a blog post in itself. That's when it got tough for me. Since then, I've had 3 scars on my stomach. They have slowly gotten a little bit lighter, but I think they will always be there. Scott sees them and will sometimes comment that they remind him of the hardest decision he's seen me make. But I'm proud of my scars.
Why?
Because if it wasn't for my scars, and me giving my fertility up to God once and for all, I would not have my baby. So I look at my scars with joy, not resentment. I see my scars the same way a woman with c-section scars sees her scars...as a reminder of the child God has blessed them with.
We all have scars, we all have things we've given up, either because we have to or because we have chosen to. Look at those scars with joy, not resentment, because there is always a purpose for your scars.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Chef Melissa...
I'm gonna post twice today. This time will be much more light-hearted. I've just noticed that my meals at home have been blah....or even non-existent. I used to love cooking and in the past while have just kind of quit cooking food. What' wrong with me? I have all these cookbooks sitting in my kitchen and I haven't used half of the recipes in them. Why have so many cookbooks and recipes if you aren't going to use them?
So I had an idea that hit me today. I hope it will make meal-planning a little more fun. I'm going to cook my way through all my cookbooks, one at a time. I am also hoping that this will make me eat better (right now I just grab something junk-foodish because I just don't have the energy) but it's time to make a change. I'm trying a new diet to lose my last little bit of weight (plus some I gained over the summer after my last weight loss plan) and maybe this will help me. I think my family will appreciate it as well since they will be eating better too.
So starting tonight, I'm going to grab one of my family cookbooks and start my journey through some family recipes. Who knows, I might just find a new recipe to fall in love with.
So I had an idea that hit me today. I hope it will make meal-planning a little more fun. I'm going to cook my way through all my cookbooks, one at a time. I am also hoping that this will make me eat better (right now I just grab something junk-foodish because I just don't have the energy) but it's time to make a change. I'm trying a new diet to lose my last little bit of weight (plus some I gained over the summer after my last weight loss plan) and maybe this will help me. I think my family will appreciate it as well since they will be eating better too.
So starting tonight, I'm going to grab one of my family cookbooks and start my journey through some family recipes. Who knows, I might just find a new recipe to fall in love with.
My story part 3....
Before Scott and I were married, we discussed how soon we would want to have kids. It was one thing we never could agree on. He wanted to wait 5 years to have a baby, and I wanted to wait 2 years....well, out loud I said that. I honestly wanted to try as soon as we got married, but I thought 2 years was a good compromise.
I started on birth control a couple months before we were married because Scott was worried we might get pregnant right away. I went along with it until about 6 months after our wedding. Then I used every excuse in the book to quit taking birth control and eventually just quit.
I expected that we would be pregnant very soon, especially since Scott was still very scared that it would happen right away. He didn't feel ready to be a daddy yet. And he had very good reasons for that, because our marriage was not in a good place.
Months went by, and more months went by...no pregnancy. I had researched online that it could take up to a year for a couple to get pregnant, so I hoped that within the year it would happen. (but deep down I had a nagging feeling that I would not have a baby of my own)
After 1 year of trying, we were living in Healy and I had met a woman who had moved to town that was in the same boat, they were trying and not getting pregnant. It was nice to have someone to talk to that understood how I was feeling. Scott took it as a sign that we just weren't supposed to have a baby yet...I didn't want to hear that.
Late summer of 2005 I did a concert in Garden City and started suspecting that I was pregnant. I was having all sorts of signs, my cycle was "MIA", and I kept thinking this was it. My best friend and I went to a county fair in the neighboring county. We both love the fast, spinning rides, so we rode on all of them. After a few rides, we got off our last ride of the evening and we both got sick to our stomach. (very unusual for us)
We both started suspecting that we were pregnant. It was awesome because what could be better than sharing the infertility journey with a friend, but sharing the pregnancy journey together. I was too scared to take one more pregnancy test, so I just waited. My good friend came over shortly after that and was sobbing...she had taken a test and was pregnant! This could only mean one thing....I had to be pregnant as well.
She had invited me to a women of faith weekend that was to take place within a week or so of her finding out she was pregnant (it was August). I was still suspecting I was pregnant. When we got there, I started feeling crampy and then started spotting. At first I really thought it was just my period. But when I had my period I never had cramps. After the first night of spotting, the bleeding got worse and the cramping was different than normal menstrual cramps.
I would have a terrible tightening cramp in my lower tummy (all I could do was grab something and squeeze) and then it would go away for awhile. It kept going on and on during the weekend. This was not like a normal cycle for me, so I started asking God what was going on with my body. I know this may sound strange to everyone else, but as I sat at this women of faith weekend I clearly heard God say to me "It will be ok, she's in my arms now". This told me all I needed to know. I was having a miscarriage.
The cramping got worse and worse as the 2 days went on, and by Sunday I was feeling so miserable. I had a concert to do Sunday evening on the way home and Scott was meeting us on the way home to bring me to this. I somehow made it through singing, and on our way home I kept telling Scott to pull over because I had a strange feeling like I had to push something out and needed to go to the bathroom. We stopped at a convenience store and when I got in there I was "pushing" and heard a plop....in the toilet was a blood clot with gray-ish blob in it. Call it a woman's instinct, but I knew what it was. I felt numb all over, and just flushed the toilet. I went out to our pick-up and calmly said "I just flushed our baby down the toilet."
It was after all the cramping and bleeding stopped (about 2 weeks later) that I finally started letting myself grieve. But it would be years before I fully grieved over it all (and many more miscarriages). This was a time in our marriage that we didn't need an added stress. It was around this time that I really dove into my counseling so that I could get past everything. By the end of the year I was able to work on our marriage and life started getting better. It was also time to start going to a Dr. for help in getting pregnant.
I guess I'll stop at this point, the next part adds a new twist to our lives that nobody expected. I know at this point things sound so hopeless and depressing, but I promise that once we get past all this, you will see all the hope and faith that these trials brought to us.
to be continued....
I started on birth control a couple months before we were married because Scott was worried we might get pregnant right away. I went along with it until about 6 months after our wedding. Then I used every excuse in the book to quit taking birth control and eventually just quit.
I expected that we would be pregnant very soon, especially since Scott was still very scared that it would happen right away. He didn't feel ready to be a daddy yet. And he had very good reasons for that, because our marriage was not in a good place.
Months went by, and more months went by...no pregnancy. I had researched online that it could take up to a year for a couple to get pregnant, so I hoped that within the year it would happen. (but deep down I had a nagging feeling that I would not have a baby of my own)
After 1 year of trying, we were living in Healy and I had met a woman who had moved to town that was in the same boat, they were trying and not getting pregnant. It was nice to have someone to talk to that understood how I was feeling. Scott took it as a sign that we just weren't supposed to have a baby yet...I didn't want to hear that.
Late summer of 2005 I did a concert in Garden City and started suspecting that I was pregnant. I was having all sorts of signs, my cycle was "MIA", and I kept thinking this was it. My best friend and I went to a county fair in the neighboring county. We both love the fast, spinning rides, so we rode on all of them. After a few rides, we got off our last ride of the evening and we both got sick to our stomach. (very unusual for us)
We both started suspecting that we were pregnant. It was awesome because what could be better than sharing the infertility journey with a friend, but sharing the pregnancy journey together. I was too scared to take one more pregnancy test, so I just waited. My good friend came over shortly after that and was sobbing...she had taken a test and was pregnant! This could only mean one thing....I had to be pregnant as well.
She had invited me to a women of faith weekend that was to take place within a week or so of her finding out she was pregnant (it was August). I was still suspecting I was pregnant. When we got there, I started feeling crampy and then started spotting. At first I really thought it was just my period. But when I had my period I never had cramps. After the first night of spotting, the bleeding got worse and the cramping was different than normal menstrual cramps.
I would have a terrible tightening cramp in my lower tummy (all I could do was grab something and squeeze) and then it would go away for awhile. It kept going on and on during the weekend. This was not like a normal cycle for me, so I started asking God what was going on with my body. I know this may sound strange to everyone else, but as I sat at this women of faith weekend I clearly heard God say to me "It will be ok, she's in my arms now". This told me all I needed to know. I was having a miscarriage.
The cramping got worse and worse as the 2 days went on, and by Sunday I was feeling so miserable. I had a concert to do Sunday evening on the way home and Scott was meeting us on the way home to bring me to this. I somehow made it through singing, and on our way home I kept telling Scott to pull over because I had a strange feeling like I had to push something out and needed to go to the bathroom. We stopped at a convenience store and when I got in there I was "pushing" and heard a plop....in the toilet was a blood clot with gray-ish blob in it. Call it a woman's instinct, but I knew what it was. I felt numb all over, and just flushed the toilet. I went out to our pick-up and calmly said "I just flushed our baby down the toilet."
It was after all the cramping and bleeding stopped (about 2 weeks later) that I finally started letting myself grieve. But it would be years before I fully grieved over it all (and many more miscarriages). This was a time in our marriage that we didn't need an added stress. It was around this time that I really dove into my counseling so that I could get past everything. By the end of the year I was able to work on our marriage and life started getting better. It was also time to start going to a Dr. for help in getting pregnant.
I guess I'll stop at this point, the next part adds a new twist to our lives that nobody expected. I know at this point things sound so hopeless and depressing, but I promise that once we get past all this, you will see all the hope and faith that these trials brought to us.
to be continued....
Friday, October 19, 2012
My story part 2...
I shared my wedding day story for you guys the last time I shared my story (ok, the first time I shared my story), so now it's time to move on. Wedding day over, honeymoon over, let's go right into "happily ever after".
I expected quite a bit of the happily ever after that you see in fairy tales. I mean, I waited 6 years to marry the man that I had a crush on from the moment I first saw him. How could it not go well? Ummm..let's see... on top of putting two different people together who come from different backgrounds, let's add some emotional baggage from the past. Let's let the emotional baggage be feelings of rejection and abandonment, being severely teased and tormented in school, and looking for love in all the wrong places as a teenager (if you know what I mean).
Put all this together and you don't really get a happily ever after. I was looking for my marriage to fix what happened in my past. I wanted it to fill the void of feeling abandoned by my birth mother. I wanted it to automatically take away the scars of having classmates tell me to commit suicide, call me nasty names, push me down the stairs. I expected marriage to make me forget the fact that I gave away my innocence way too soon. But marriage doesn't take it all away...in fact if you expect it to fix everything, it only adds to it.
Our marriage was not from a fairy tale. I was hurt, so in turn I hurt my husband. I learned to manipulate at a young age, so I used my skills to the fullest on my one true love. I really don't want to get in to very many details, but lets just say that our first 2 years of marriage was very hard. I would like to say it was harder than most, but I've never been in another marriage before.
To top it all off, 6 months after we got married, I quit taking birth control pills and started trying to get pregnant. I will admit to you now (I never wanted to admit it before) but I wanted to have a baby to try and fill that void that my marriage didn't fill. As we tried and tried and tried some more, the tension in our marriage got worse as I blamed my husband for not getting me pregnant. There were times he told me that he felt like I was just using him for a sperm bank.
In the first 2 years of our marriage, there were times we didn't think we'd make it as couple. I was stressed, he was stressed and sometimes we just didn't believe it was worth it to go through this kind of "hell" just to be married and have a family.
I remember yelling and screaming at Scott. I would expect him to do certain things and if he didn't do them I yelled, if he did do them I still yelled because I would find something about it that he did wrong. It was totally unfair for Scott.
In 2005, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I was still very depressed. I still had a bad habit that started as a teenager. When my emotional pain got to be too much, I would cut myself with a razor. Scott couldn't handle it anymore and asked me to please go get some counseling. He never outright said it, but I think he was giving me the choice to get help, or he was done with our marriage.
I went in to see a Christian counselor and as time went on (and with some mailed letters from Scott) I was on track to letting my past go. I was letting go of the hurt and scars. I learned that I was not defined by what happened in my past, but I could let it help me and even help others. I learned that I didn't even need good "self-esteem" I needed good "God-esteem". It was one of the most freeing things in my life. I did something that the counselor called "Soul Restoration" which is really just an intense prayer session that allows us to let God take our baggage that we don't need.
Wow....just remembering all this has been an emotional journey. It seems like such a long time ago, and almost like a totally different person. I'm so glad that we didn't quit this journey, because as I keep telling the different stories of our life together, you will see the moments of awesome joy even though there are times of trial.
Keep watching for part 3 of this gripping drama....lol.
to be continued...........
I expected quite a bit of the happily ever after that you see in fairy tales. I mean, I waited 6 years to marry the man that I had a crush on from the moment I first saw him. How could it not go well? Ummm..let's see... on top of putting two different people together who come from different backgrounds, let's add some emotional baggage from the past. Let's let the emotional baggage be feelings of rejection and abandonment, being severely teased and tormented in school, and looking for love in all the wrong places as a teenager (if you know what I mean).
Put all this together and you don't really get a happily ever after. I was looking for my marriage to fix what happened in my past. I wanted it to fill the void of feeling abandoned by my birth mother. I wanted it to automatically take away the scars of having classmates tell me to commit suicide, call me nasty names, push me down the stairs. I expected marriage to make me forget the fact that I gave away my innocence way too soon. But marriage doesn't take it all away...in fact if you expect it to fix everything, it only adds to it.
Our marriage was not from a fairy tale. I was hurt, so in turn I hurt my husband. I learned to manipulate at a young age, so I used my skills to the fullest on my one true love. I really don't want to get in to very many details, but lets just say that our first 2 years of marriage was very hard. I would like to say it was harder than most, but I've never been in another marriage before.
To top it all off, 6 months after we got married, I quit taking birth control pills and started trying to get pregnant. I will admit to you now (I never wanted to admit it before) but I wanted to have a baby to try and fill that void that my marriage didn't fill. As we tried and tried and tried some more, the tension in our marriage got worse as I blamed my husband for not getting me pregnant. There were times he told me that he felt like I was just using him for a sperm bank.
In the first 2 years of our marriage, there were times we didn't think we'd make it as couple. I was stressed, he was stressed and sometimes we just didn't believe it was worth it to go through this kind of "hell" just to be married and have a family.
I remember yelling and screaming at Scott. I would expect him to do certain things and if he didn't do them I yelled, if he did do them I still yelled because I would find something about it that he did wrong. It was totally unfair for Scott.
In 2005, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I was still very depressed. I still had a bad habit that started as a teenager. When my emotional pain got to be too much, I would cut myself with a razor. Scott couldn't handle it anymore and asked me to please go get some counseling. He never outright said it, but I think he was giving me the choice to get help, or he was done with our marriage.
I went in to see a Christian counselor and as time went on (and with some mailed letters from Scott) I was on track to letting my past go. I was letting go of the hurt and scars. I learned that I was not defined by what happened in my past, but I could let it help me and even help others. I learned that I didn't even need good "self-esteem" I needed good "God-esteem". It was one of the most freeing things in my life. I did something that the counselor called "Soul Restoration" which is really just an intense prayer session that allows us to let God take our baggage that we don't need.
Wow....just remembering all this has been an emotional journey. It seems like such a long time ago, and almost like a totally different person. I'm so glad that we didn't quit this journey, because as I keep telling the different stories of our life together, you will see the moments of awesome joy even though there are times of trial.
Keep watching for part 3 of this gripping drama....lol.
to be continued...........
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Too much excitement
I had a crazy afternoon today..or I guess yesterday. Everything was good up until almost 4:00. Let me share how my day went.
I spent the morning resting (as usual) and then had a "date" with a good friend at our local convenience store. I decided to get milk and other groceries at the store after that and then wanted to go home and relax.
I got home, parked in the garage, carried in the groceries, and then let our little malti-poo go outside to go potty. As I was getting ready to pull John out of the van, I heard barking, a yelp, and then heard the distinct sound of rattling.
I looked over in time to see a rattle snake near our garage (within 6 feet of me) ready to strike. And my little puppy running back to the garage. Instinct told me that the snake already bit Boogie (the dog) but I needed to get him in the house...as well as get John inside.
I had Martie check Boogie over and sure enough on his chest near his leg were two fang marks with blood and a clear liquid oozing out. I panicked...I love this dog like I love my children. I couldn't let him die!
I called his vet and they informed me they had no dr in the office. So I called another...still no one to help. I frantically called a 3rd vet and the said they could help. But then they shared the cost....pretty much the majority of our emergency money. I'll be honest I wasn't even thinking money at that point.
I packed John back in the van, had Martie grab Boogie and we were off. Boogie's leg was already swelling and he was getting more and more groggy. I drove 80 the whole way. We made it to the vet and they rushed him to the back.
Martie, John, and I waited till they had news. Boogie was going to be fine but had to spend the night there. The vet told me that we got there just in time because when they got Boogie in the back he was starting to be unresponsive. But he was responding well now.
Tomorrow we get to bring Boogie home as long as he does well till then. The worst part of this whole thing is thinking about the fact that a rattlesnake was just a few feet from my house. Where my family liked to hang out.
I called Scott right after it happened and he and some of hos co-workers tried to find and kill it, but it was gone. I hope it's gone for good, but I am scared it will be back.
This was too much of a day for me...I'd rather have a boring day.
I spent the morning resting (as usual) and then had a "date" with a good friend at our local convenience store. I decided to get milk and other groceries at the store after that and then wanted to go home and relax.
I got home, parked in the garage, carried in the groceries, and then let our little malti-poo go outside to go potty. As I was getting ready to pull John out of the van, I heard barking, a yelp, and then heard the distinct sound of rattling.
I looked over in time to see a rattle snake near our garage (within 6 feet of me) ready to strike. And my little puppy running back to the garage. Instinct told me that the snake already bit Boogie (the dog) but I needed to get him in the house...as well as get John inside.
I had Martie check Boogie over and sure enough on his chest near his leg were two fang marks with blood and a clear liquid oozing out. I panicked...I love this dog like I love my children. I couldn't let him die!
I called his vet and they informed me they had no dr in the office. So I called another...still no one to help. I frantically called a 3rd vet and the said they could help. But then they shared the cost....pretty much the majority of our emergency money. I'll be honest I wasn't even thinking money at that point.
I packed John back in the van, had Martie grab Boogie and we were off. Boogie's leg was already swelling and he was getting more and more groggy. I drove 80 the whole way. We made it to the vet and they rushed him to the back.
Martie, John, and I waited till they had news. Boogie was going to be fine but had to spend the night there. The vet told me that we got there just in time because when they got Boogie in the back he was starting to be unresponsive. But he was responding well now.
Tomorrow we get to bring Boogie home as long as he does well till then. The worst part of this whole thing is thinking about the fact that a rattlesnake was just a few feet from my house. Where my family liked to hang out.
I called Scott right after it happened and he and some of hos co-workers tried to find and kill it, but it was gone. I hope it's gone for good, but I am scared it will be back.
This was too much of a day for me...I'd rather have a boring day.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Dreams
I have spent a lot of time lately just looking at John. Sometimes I can't believe that he's really here. After almost 9 years of longing and trying for a baby made me think it was impossible and would never happen. And now I spend my days and nights staring at this beautiful baby boy that God created. A baby that spent 9 months with someone else, but somehow looks just like Scott.
Here's the crazy thing about John looking likely Scott. Our whole time trying for a baby, I prayed that God would make our baby look like Scott. I wanted our baby to have Scott's hair and eye color above all else. So far the hair color fits...and even the way his hair lays. We will see if his eyes turn out like Scott's eyes.
John is such a great testimony of how God works in lives. Sometimes our deepest desires do not match Gods desires for us...but He always had a perfect plan. Sometimes it's not in the time we think, but God has perfect timing.
I challenge you today to look at the things that didn't seem to go your way and look closely at how God worked it out. Or look at something that you want but haven't gotten yet, and patiently wait to see what God will do with your situation. He knows best even if you don't see it. Sometimes you have to give your dreams to Him before the dreams He has for you can become reality.
Here's the crazy thing about John looking likely Scott. Our whole time trying for a baby, I prayed that God would make our baby look like Scott. I wanted our baby to have Scott's hair and eye color above all else. So far the hair color fits...and even the way his hair lays. We will see if his eyes turn out like Scott's eyes.
John is such a great testimony of how God works in lives. Sometimes our deepest desires do not match Gods desires for us...but He always had a perfect plan. Sometimes it's not in the time we think, but God has perfect timing.
I challenge you today to look at the things that didn't seem to go your way and look closely at how God worked it out. Or look at something that you want but haven't gotten yet, and patiently wait to see what God will do with your situation. He knows best even if you don't see it. Sometimes you have to give your dreams to Him before the dreams He has for you can become reality.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
The story begins....
October is a good month for me because I get to celebrate one of the best decisions of my life. It's the month that Scott and I get to celebrate our wedding anniversary...a chance to celebrate the start of our family.
October 18, 2003
The day dawned bright and very warm for the middle of October. The sky was clear and I had to get up early to go all the way to Garden City (an hour away) to get my hair done. I hate getting up early, but I was so excited. I had waited 6 years to marry the man that I wanted to marry from the moment I saw him...literally.
My mom, sister (Michaela), and my brothers girlfriend, Tanna, came with me. Michaela and Tanna got their hair done as well. Michaela was my flower girl and a junior bridesmaid and Tanna was my "personal attendant". I just really wanted her to be a big part of my wedding because I loved her a lot and hoped that she would someday be my sister-in-law.
After getting my hair done, I remember stopping at a convenience store to get gum...so that my breath would be good for the "kiss" at the end of the ceremony. I also remember the feeling of riding in the front seat of the vehicle and enjoying people turning to watch a young woman with a veil on her head go by. It made me feel like a celebrity.
When we got out to Camp Christy (where we got married) I remember being very careful so that Scott didn't see me. I wasn't worried about the superstition of it, I just wanted it to be a surprise when he saw me in my dress and my hair done.
I got ready and then just waited for the car to bring my dad and I to the ceremony. I remember my parents coming over to me and praying over me and this new chapter in my life. Then my dad jokingly asked me if I wanted to run away and not get married. I didn't even hesitate when I told him "no way!"
Everyone left my dad, Tanna and myself to wait for the car. When the clock showed the right time, and the car was outside waiting for us, we made our way to the ceremony. We didn't know it at the time, but the clock we saw was off by about 10 minutes. I was actually about 10-15 minutes late for my own wedding! Good thing everyone knew I wasn't going to run away.
I readied myself outside the chapel door as everyone else made their way down the chapel aisle. Then my song came on, the one I recorded special for my daddy. I had my dad and my grandpa walk me down the aisle. They both took it very seriously and you can see it in the pictures that were taken.
The day was wonderful. The ceremony was very special, the amount of guests was perfect, and we had lots of fellowship time at the reception. I can remember most of the details of that day even now.
We had two Steven Curtis Chapman songs at our wedding. "Go There With You" and "I Will Be Here". What's crazy is that we didn't mean for these songs to be prophetic to our lives, but they were very much prophetic to what we would go through in our marriage. If you know our story and then go listen to these songs (especially "I Will Be Here") you will see what I mean.
We said "for better or for worse" and even though we've had lots of good times we didn't realize how much "for worse" we would really have in our 9 years of marriage this far. But it was a great start to a life with a man that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.
To be continued......
October 18, 2003
The day dawned bright and very warm for the middle of October. The sky was clear and I had to get up early to go all the way to Garden City (an hour away) to get my hair done. I hate getting up early, but I was so excited. I had waited 6 years to marry the man that I wanted to marry from the moment I saw him...literally.
My mom, sister (Michaela), and my brothers girlfriend, Tanna, came with me. Michaela and Tanna got their hair done as well. Michaela was my flower girl and a junior bridesmaid and Tanna was my "personal attendant". I just really wanted her to be a big part of my wedding because I loved her a lot and hoped that she would someday be my sister-in-law.
After getting my hair done, I remember stopping at a convenience store to get gum...so that my breath would be good for the "kiss" at the end of the ceremony. I also remember the feeling of riding in the front seat of the vehicle and enjoying people turning to watch a young woman with a veil on her head go by. It made me feel like a celebrity.
When we got out to Camp Christy (where we got married) I remember being very careful so that Scott didn't see me. I wasn't worried about the superstition of it, I just wanted it to be a surprise when he saw me in my dress and my hair done.
I got ready and then just waited for the car to bring my dad and I to the ceremony. I remember my parents coming over to me and praying over me and this new chapter in my life. Then my dad jokingly asked me if I wanted to run away and not get married. I didn't even hesitate when I told him "no way!"
Everyone left my dad, Tanna and myself to wait for the car. When the clock showed the right time, and the car was outside waiting for us, we made our way to the ceremony. We didn't know it at the time, but the clock we saw was off by about 10 minutes. I was actually about 10-15 minutes late for my own wedding! Good thing everyone knew I wasn't going to run away.
I readied myself outside the chapel door as everyone else made their way down the chapel aisle. Then my song came on, the one I recorded special for my daddy. I had my dad and my grandpa walk me down the aisle. They both took it very seriously and you can see it in the pictures that were taken.
The day was wonderful. The ceremony was very special, the amount of guests was perfect, and we had lots of fellowship time at the reception. I can remember most of the details of that day even now.
We had two Steven Curtis Chapman songs at our wedding. "Go There With You" and "I Will Be Here". What's crazy is that we didn't mean for these songs to be prophetic to our lives, but they were very much prophetic to what we would go through in our marriage. If you know our story and then go listen to these songs (especially "I Will Be Here") you will see what I mean.
We said "for better or for worse" and even though we've had lots of good times we didn't realize how much "for worse" we would really have in our 9 years of marriage this far. But it was a great start to a life with a man that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.
To be continued......
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Worth the Wait
I started out thinking that I would be blogging about our new expanded family every single day because I was so excited. I am learning one lesson with a newborn: Even if you thought you were gonna get it done, chances are you won't actually get it done. I knew that babies were time consuming and I knew that parents didn't sleep as much, but I didn't know it would go to this extent.
Don't get me wrong, as exhausted as I am, I am loving every moment of this. I am taking pictures like crazy (at least one every day) because of how fast he's growing and changing. And I'm savoring every moment of every day because I know that it will go by fast and that everything will get here soon enough.
I have a onesie that John will eventually wear that says "worth the wait". It is so true. He was worth the wait. It was a long and hard (almost) 9 years. Scott and I went through a lot before we got to where we are today. In fact, I was telling him just the other day that we could almost take our lives together and write a book. If I was really going to do that, I would want to share the bad, but most of all have the hope and our faith shine through.
Ok, how did I get from John to our life together. I think it's because I've been thinking about the things that I've been through in life and how it brought me to where I am and also made me who I am. My struggles started long before I married my true love, and didn't end once we had our wedding day and thought we were gonna have a "happily ever after."
It might sound crazy, but looking back, I am grateful for the struggles that I/we have had. They were tough at the time, but I wouldn't have grown without them. I am thinking that I would like to share my story (piece by piece) on my blog. Doesn't mean that I will post everyday, and not even every single post. But it's always been my hearts desire for my struggles to give hope to others facing similar things that I faced. I want people to share in some the sorrow, so that they can truly see the hope that shines in every situation.
Don't get me wrong, as exhausted as I am, I am loving every moment of this. I am taking pictures like crazy (at least one every day) because of how fast he's growing and changing. And I'm savoring every moment of every day because I know that it will go by fast and that everything will get here soon enough.
I have a onesie that John will eventually wear that says "worth the wait". It is so true. He was worth the wait. It was a long and hard (almost) 9 years. Scott and I went through a lot before we got to where we are today. In fact, I was telling him just the other day that we could almost take our lives together and write a book. If I was really going to do that, I would want to share the bad, but most of all have the hope and our faith shine through.
Ok, how did I get from John to our life together. I think it's because I've been thinking about the things that I've been through in life and how it brought me to where I am and also made me who I am. My struggles started long before I married my true love, and didn't end once we had our wedding day and thought we were gonna have a "happily ever after."
It might sound crazy, but looking back, I am grateful for the struggles that I/we have had. They were tough at the time, but I wouldn't have grown without them. I am thinking that I would like to share my story (piece by piece) on my blog. Doesn't mean that I will post everyday, and not even every single post. But it's always been my hearts desire for my struggles to give hope to others facing similar things that I faced. I want people to share in some the sorrow, so that they can truly see the hope that shines in every situation.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Baby Boy
I had to add some pictures. I finally found some time to do it.
"Mommy" and "Mama" as we have dubbed ourselves. I'm mommy and she's mama.
John right after his first bath from the nurse.
She loves him so much. I know that it broke her heart to give him up. But she's a strong woman.
The Happy Family of 5!
This is my favorite picture of John. It's with my Grandpa Jerry. I think that this is the picture that John looks the most like Scott. I'm amazed at how God works things out.
I prayed for some specific things as we were trying for our own baby. I wanted our baby to look just like Scott, have his eyes and hair. I also wanted a calm baby that wasn't overly fussy. I don't remember if there were any other details I prayed about, but God gave me these so far..and it wasn't even through our blood.
If this doesn't prove that there's a God out there, then I just don't know what else could convince someone that we have a loving God.
"Mommy" and "Mama" as we have dubbed ourselves. I'm mommy and she's mama.
John right after his first bath from the nurse.
She loves him so much. I know that it broke her heart to give him up. But she's a strong woman.
The Happy Family of 5!
This is my favorite picture of John. It's with my Grandpa Jerry. I think that this is the picture that John looks the most like Scott. I'm amazed at how God works things out.
I prayed for some specific things as we were trying for our own baby. I wanted our baby to look just like Scott, have his eyes and hair. I also wanted a calm baby that wasn't overly fussy. I don't remember if there were any other details I prayed about, but God gave me these so far..and it wasn't even through our blood.
If this doesn't prove that there's a God out there, then I just don't know what else could convince someone that we have a loving God.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Bittersweet
So today was bittersweet. The papers got signed by the birth mother. We are overjoyed to have this precious baby for our own. But as we watched this birth mother make her decision, our hearts broke. We know this was the hardest decision of her life.
We went to her room after it was all over just to say thank you and give her a hug. We talked for a few minutes and watched her fight back her tears. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
We walked back to our room which was filled with the joyous celebration of a new family member and couldn't take it anymore. Scott and I both burst into tears and wept over the birth mothers grief. My mom came over and hugged me as I kept repeating "my heart is breaking for her". Scott sat on the bed with tears streaming down one cheek (for obvious reasons).
My girls then each took turns hugging me and I whispered I love you to each. I think my heart breaks because as a mother already I know that I could not ever be strong enough to do what she has done.
I think what makes it so personal is that she and I have gotten close enough that I can truly call her a friend. And my love for this woman runs deep as she gave us one of the greatest gifts a person can give.
I want so many prayers to go up on behalf of this woman who had so much love for her baby that she put her own feelings aside for his good. This is a woman to be honored.
We went to her room after it was all over just to say thank you and give her a hug. We talked for a few minutes and watched her fight back her tears. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
We walked back to our room which was filled with the joyous celebration of a new family member and couldn't take it anymore. Scott and I both burst into tears and wept over the birth mothers grief. My mom came over and hugged me as I kept repeating "my heart is breaking for her". Scott sat on the bed with tears streaming down one cheek (for obvious reasons).
My girls then each took turns hugging me and I whispered I love you to each. I think my heart breaks because as a mother already I know that I could not ever be strong enough to do what she has done.
I think what makes it so personal is that she and I have gotten close enough that I can truly call her a friend. And my love for this woman runs deep as she gave us one of the greatest gifts a person can give.
I want so many prayers to go up on behalf of this woman who had so much love for her baby that she put her own feelings aside for his good. This is a woman to be honored.
John William is here
John had his own idea of when his birthday would be. Friday, September 21, 2012. He was born at 11:10 am. He weighed 7 lbs 8 oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. I watched him come into the world and then got to cut the cord. I am already madly in love with this sweet baby boy.
He barely cries. His first real cry that I heard was just a bit ago when he decided a small cry would wake mommy enough to feed him. :) When I say small cry, I literally mean small cry.
He's eating about every 3 hours and is not afraid to mess his diaper...especially right after mommy changes it...lol. Oh and he is so far quite a night owl...especially after he just spent all day sleeping through all the visitors.
He and daddy just had some good snuggle time and daddy put him to sleep. Yippee for daddy cause mommy needs more than 2 hours of sleep (in 24 hours) to really function. Welcome to having a newborn.
Overall, even in my "lack-of-sleep" brain, I am filled to overflowing with joy and love. I will try and post pics tomorrow....wait, later today.
He barely cries. His first real cry that I heard was just a bit ago when he decided a small cry would wake mommy enough to feed him. :) When I say small cry, I literally mean small cry.
He's eating about every 3 hours and is not afraid to mess his diaper...especially right after mommy changes it...lol. Oh and he is so far quite a night owl...especially after he just spent all day sleeping through all the visitors.
He and daddy just had some good snuggle time and daddy put him to sleep. Yippee for daddy cause mommy needs more than 2 hours of sleep (in 24 hours) to really function. Welcome to having a newborn.
Overall, even in my "lack-of-sleep" brain, I am filled to overflowing with joy and love. I will try and post pics tomorrow....wait, later today.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Johns Birthdate
My John William has a birthdate! He will be born September 25, 2012. The Dr. decided to induce the birth mom this coming Tuesday. This last little bit has been the hardest wait in the world. This is even worse than waiting to see the results of a pregnancy test.
We are very excited, but still very nervous. There is still the possibility that the birth mom could change her mind after he's born. I think that's what makes the wait so hard. We are waiting on a baby that could end up not being ours. But we are going to think positive and have faith that God will help her make the right choice in the end.
We have things all ready for this little miracle to come into our lives. His room is ready, the carseat is installed, and he has more clothes than a fashion model...lol. We have formula on hand, bottles, wipes, and some diapers (until we get the cloth diapers that we want to use). We have bags packed and the camera always charged. I'm not about to miss any photo opps with this little guy.
It's been a tough road, but we've grown. We've increased our faith, as we've questioned everything we believe. But look at us now, almost 3 kids. Not exactly how we planned it, but it's exactly as God planned it. I think when we have John in our home, our family will be 100% complete.
In less than a week, I will be posting pictures of our beautiful baby boy, so make sure you keep checking for updates Tuesday or Wednesday.
God Bless you all!!!!!
We are very excited, but still very nervous. There is still the possibility that the birth mom could change her mind after he's born. I think that's what makes the wait so hard. We are waiting on a baby that could end up not being ours. But we are going to think positive and have faith that God will help her make the right choice in the end.
We have things all ready for this little miracle to come into our lives. His room is ready, the carseat is installed, and he has more clothes than a fashion model...lol. We have formula on hand, bottles, wipes, and some diapers (until we get the cloth diapers that we want to use). We have bags packed and the camera always charged. I'm not about to miss any photo opps with this little guy.
It's been a tough road, but we've grown. We've increased our faith, as we've questioned everything we believe. But look at us now, almost 3 kids. Not exactly how we planned it, but it's exactly as God planned it. I think when we have John in our home, our family will be 100% complete.
In less than a week, I will be posting pictures of our beautiful baby boy, so make sure you keep checking for updates Tuesday or Wednesday.
God Bless you all!!!!!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Wanting Baby John
I didn't realize how waiting for a baby makes you learn patience. I know it's 9 months of waiting (in our case only about 5 months) but this last month is about to drive me insane.
I didn't realize how bad I wanted to hold my little guy. Sometimes my arms literally ache for him. But I've tried to spend my time either cleaning, or cross-stitching for my little man.
The girls are so excited for him to come. I think they are feeling the frustration as well. They come home from school and ask if there's any news on John. Everyday that I have to tell them "no news" I see their faces drop just a bit. I think we are all ready to meet John.
Even Scott has went from being totally careful, to allowing some hope to creep in. He now talks about the future with "Little John" and that just warms my heart. I had my moments where I thought I was the only one keeping my hopes up. But it is a tough situation, so I can't blame anyone for wanting to be careful about it. There is still a slight possibility that the birth mother may change her mind, but I'm gonna pray that it doesn't happen.
I've also been thinking about things from her side. If someone asked me to give up my girls I don't think I could do it. My heart would break and I think I would literally die with grief. So why would I sit here and pray that this woman make a choice that would break her heart? Am I really that selfish of a woman? To wish so much pain on a woman because my arms want to hold a baby?
Don't get me wrong, I plan on adopting this baby. But I've just been trying to see the other side and be very careful about the birth mothers feelings. I can also see that she doesn't have the means to care for this baby. She has stated this to me many times.
It just goes to show how complicated adoption can be. This baby will grow up knowing that the woman who carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him and handed him over to us. Here's what I plan to say to him: "Just because your mommy who carried you in her tummy gave you to us, doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. She loved you so, so much that she wanted you to have a life that she couldn't give you. Don't think she didn't love you, think how much she does love you."
I pray everyday that John will grow up with joy knowing what was involved in the adoption. Not resentment or anger, but love for a woman who loved him enough to sacrifice for him.
I didn't realize how bad I wanted to hold my little guy. Sometimes my arms literally ache for him. But I've tried to spend my time either cleaning, or cross-stitching for my little man.
The girls are so excited for him to come. I think they are feeling the frustration as well. They come home from school and ask if there's any news on John. Everyday that I have to tell them "no news" I see their faces drop just a bit. I think we are all ready to meet John.
Even Scott has went from being totally careful, to allowing some hope to creep in. He now talks about the future with "Little John" and that just warms my heart. I had my moments where I thought I was the only one keeping my hopes up. But it is a tough situation, so I can't blame anyone for wanting to be careful about it. There is still a slight possibility that the birth mother may change her mind, but I'm gonna pray that it doesn't happen.
I've also been thinking about things from her side. If someone asked me to give up my girls I don't think I could do it. My heart would break and I think I would literally die with grief. So why would I sit here and pray that this woman make a choice that would break her heart? Am I really that selfish of a woman? To wish so much pain on a woman because my arms want to hold a baby?
Don't get me wrong, I plan on adopting this baby. But I've just been trying to see the other side and be very careful about the birth mothers feelings. I can also see that she doesn't have the means to care for this baby. She has stated this to me many times.
It just goes to show how complicated adoption can be. This baby will grow up knowing that the woman who carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him and handed him over to us. Here's what I plan to say to him: "Just because your mommy who carried you in her tummy gave you to us, doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. She loved you so, so much that she wanted you to have a life that she couldn't give you. Don't think she didn't love you, think how much she does love you."
I pray everyday that John will grow up with joy knowing what was involved in the adoption. Not resentment or anger, but love for a woman who loved him enough to sacrifice for him.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Life's Not Perfect
I had a bad day today. I don't say this because I want this post to be a "oh, woe is me.....pity me" kind of post. I want to share my day because even though it was a bad "earthly" day, I saw God work a small miracle in my life.
I've been sharing the past couple days about some lessons God has shared after my "encounter" weekend. I'll admit that since my weekend with God, there's been a big change in me. My husband and girls have noticed such a big difference in me that they make comments to me how different I am.
But do not be deceived. This doesn't mean my life has suddenly become perfect. I still falter, I still make mistakes. My change is the biggest in my attitude and my anger. I used to blow up at every little thing (and cussing was a part of it too) and then I would let my attitude be stinky for extended periods of time. I still have bouts of anger (for good reason sometimes), but not once have I cussed since my weekend. And like today, I may have rough days (and believe me I've had a few doozies since then) but they don't seem to last.
Ok, back to my day. I had some hurtful words spoken to me. They were not spoken on purpose and the person didn't even realize that they were going to hurt me. In fact, they spoke out of some physical pain and in some weird way I think they were trying to pay me a compliment. A few other things happened after that. Normally these other things would not bother me, but when you've had a hurt, there's already a wound and it's very easy for someone to pour salt on a wound without meaning it.
Normally, I would have blown up at these people. I would have cussed, yelled, thrown a pity party, and then put a post on facebook about how "insensitive some people are". But I didn't. I had an hour drive home after these hurts (and grocery shopping) and I spent the time just crying out to God. I literally was crying(sobbing) and praying. Telling God how alone I felt and that I just needed Him. That I didn't like feeling like this and I don't want it to control my life and to please take it away. Can you imagine how this looked to the people passing me...cause I was only going 62 on the highway?
By the time I got to Scott City (1/2 an hour into my trip home) I was already feeling better. In fact, I was feeling better enough to share with one of those that had said words at the wrong time to me. I was able to explain my feelings and why I was hurt and that it was not them, it was just the timing of it all.
Lesson for today: It's ok if you feel hurt when things are said or done. God never told us we had to be doormats. We are even allowed to be angry about things. It's when we take it too far and let it control us that it gets out of hand. If you can cry out to God and let Him truly have it, He WILL take it away.
I've been sharing the past couple days about some lessons God has shared after my "encounter" weekend. I'll admit that since my weekend with God, there's been a big change in me. My husband and girls have noticed such a big difference in me that they make comments to me how different I am.
But do not be deceived. This doesn't mean my life has suddenly become perfect. I still falter, I still make mistakes. My change is the biggest in my attitude and my anger. I used to blow up at every little thing (and cussing was a part of it too) and then I would let my attitude be stinky for extended periods of time. I still have bouts of anger (for good reason sometimes), but not once have I cussed since my weekend. And like today, I may have rough days (and believe me I've had a few doozies since then) but they don't seem to last.
Ok, back to my day. I had some hurtful words spoken to me. They were not spoken on purpose and the person didn't even realize that they were going to hurt me. In fact, they spoke out of some physical pain and in some weird way I think they were trying to pay me a compliment. A few other things happened after that. Normally these other things would not bother me, but when you've had a hurt, there's already a wound and it's very easy for someone to pour salt on a wound without meaning it.
Normally, I would have blown up at these people. I would have cussed, yelled, thrown a pity party, and then put a post on facebook about how "insensitive some people are". But I didn't. I had an hour drive home after these hurts (and grocery shopping) and I spent the time just crying out to God. I literally was crying(sobbing) and praying. Telling God how alone I felt and that I just needed Him. That I didn't like feeling like this and I don't want it to control my life and to please take it away. Can you imagine how this looked to the people passing me...cause I was only going 62 on the highway?
By the time I got to Scott City (1/2 an hour into my trip home) I was already feeling better. In fact, I was feeling better enough to share with one of those that had said words at the wrong time to me. I was able to explain my feelings and why I was hurt and that it was not them, it was just the timing of it all.
Lesson for today: It's ok if you feel hurt when things are said or done. God never told us we had to be doormats. We are even allowed to be angry about things. It's when we take it too far and let it control us that it gets out of hand. If you can cry out to God and let Him truly have it, He WILL take it away.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Adoption
The second day back from my "encounter" God did a similar thing that He did on my first morning. I didn't have a vision, but I did have a moment where God taught me through a life experience and His Word.
I woke up the same way, with God on my mind first thing (which I have found is the best way to wake up). My very second thought, which occurred within moments of waking up was of my two girls. My girls are adopted. I was overwhelmed with this love that I have for them. That I would give my life for them if need be. That I would defend them tooth and nail if I have to. This miraculous love for children that I did not grow within my womb, that I didn't even meet until they were teenagers. He then confirmed how much He loved an orphan like me and chose to adopt me.
There are verses in the Bible that tell us about taking care of orphans, but above that there are verses in which God tells us that we are His adopted children. God created the concept of being adopted.
Here are a couple verses about how we are orphans:
"For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, 'Abba, Father.'" Romans 8:14-16
"But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons." Galatians 4:4-6
"And I chose you to be My child from the beginning of time." 2 Thessalonians 2:13
"But we should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth." 2 Thessalonians 2:13
"He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved." Ephesians 1:5-6
God adopts us as His own. The love He has for us is an awesome and powerful love. His love is so powerful that we can't even truly love someone without His love in us.
1 John 4:19 says, "We love because He first loved us."
I love the idea that I was a chosen person. That He chose to love me when He didn't have to. I am a sinner, a lowly sinner. But He loved me so much that He sent His son to die on the cross for me that I might live eternally with Him. (John 3:16-17)
Are you ready to be adopted, dear orphan of this world?
I woke up the same way, with God on my mind first thing (which I have found is the best way to wake up). My very second thought, which occurred within moments of waking up was of my two girls. My girls are adopted. I was overwhelmed with this love that I have for them. That I would give my life for them if need be. That I would defend them tooth and nail if I have to. This miraculous love for children that I did not grow within my womb, that I didn't even meet until they were teenagers. He then confirmed how much He loved an orphan like me and chose to adopt me.
There are verses in the Bible that tell us about taking care of orphans, but above that there are verses in which God tells us that we are His adopted children. God created the concept of being adopted.
Here are a couple verses about how we are orphans:
"For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, 'Abba, Father.'" Romans 8:14-16
"But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons." Galatians 4:4-6
"And I chose you to be My child from the beginning of time." 2 Thessalonians 2:13
"But we should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth." 2 Thessalonians 2:13
"He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved." Ephesians 1:5-6
God adopts us as His own. The love He has for us is an awesome and powerful love. His love is so powerful that we can't even truly love someone without His love in us.
1 John 4:19 says, "We love because He first loved us."
I love the idea that I was a chosen person. That He chose to love me when He didn't have to. I am a sinner, a lowly sinner. But He loved me so much that He sent His son to die on the cross for me that I might live eternally with Him. (John 3:16-17)
Are you ready to be adopted, dear orphan of this world?
Monday, August 20, 2012
Names for the stars
When I woke up that first Monday morning after my 'encounter' weekend, God gave me a vision...literally a vision. I laid in bed and was fully awake as God showed me a night sky full of twinkling stars. One small group of stars caught my eye. It was 3 stars in a triangle shape. Gods voice came from this sky asking me to look at these stars. "See that star there" he said referring to the brightest star in the triangle. "This is the star with your name on it." At that moment a shooting star shot right through the middle of the triangle. Then the vision was over.
I asked my husband that morning if there were verses in the Bible that said something about stars and names.He said he didn't know but to look it up in his concordance. I actually ended up searching the Internet and found a couple verses about how God gives each star a name and how much more important we are than stars in the heavens. The verses I found were:
"He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name." Psalm 147:4
"Lift your eyes up on high and see who has created these stars, The One who leads forth their host by number, He calls them all by name; because of the greatness of His might, and the strength of His power, not one of them is missing." Isaiah 40:26
This got me to thinking about the parable of the lost sheep in Luke 15. How the shepherd will leave 99 sheep to go find that one lost sheep. Not one of the stars goes missing, therefore God won't "lose"any of us. He wants to go find you. Will you let Him lead you home?
I asked my husband that morning if there were verses in the Bible that said something about stars and names.He said he didn't know but to look it up in his concordance. I actually ended up searching the Internet and found a couple verses about how God gives each star a name and how much more important we are than stars in the heavens. The verses I found were:
"He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name." Psalm 147:4
"Lift your eyes up on high and see who has created these stars, The One who leads forth their host by number, He calls them all by name; because of the greatness of His might, and the strength of His power, not one of them is missing." Isaiah 40:26
This got me to thinking about the parable of the lost sheep in Luke 15. How the shepherd will leave 99 sheep to go find that one lost sheep. Not one of the stars goes missing, therefore God won't "lose"any of us. He wants to go find you. Will you let Him lead you home?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Humble new beginnings
I sit here at my computer a very humbled woman. I just spent the last little bit reading my old blog (waiting for a blessing). It's crazy to see what God was trying to do in my life and then what I allowed Him to do and kept Him from doing. I truly believe that it was all a process to get me to where I am today, but it was very hard to see my lack of faith.
As I sat here reading, I felt like I was reading the story of someone else besides myself. I wanted to reach through the computer screen and shake this strange person sharing my life story with such negativity. Yes, life has been rough at times, but that doesn't mean that God wasn't working. I could see as I read, the evidence of His working in everything. Scott's cancer, our infertility, the loss of babies, and the joy of becoming parents to Martie. God's work is woven through it all.
There's nothing wrong with being tired, a little depressed or overwhelmed, or any other feelings. But I am glad that I don't sit here letting it all take over my life. I admit, I was a bit embarrassed to read about this strange woman who had daily pity parties. Where was the contentment? Where was the true Joy of the Lord that I "claimed" to have at times? But in the past month things have truly changed with me.
I can only put the blame for that change on God Himself. I gave it all to Him, nailed it on the cross , and He made me a new woman. A changed, forgiven, and free woman. Life will still be tough at times. And with two teenagers in the house and a baby on the way it's sometimes very tough. But I spend time reading His word and praying almost everyday...I'm still not perfect you know. Lol! I can't do this life without Him. He is the source of my true joy!
I want from this point on, to be able to come back and read this blog and see the confidence that I had in God. To see the evidence of His work with no doubts about how He went about it. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He has never left me or forsaken me. I could sit here right now and make a list of all my blessings and not be done with that list for weeks and weeks. And here's a challenge to you (as well as me): Think of what you thanked God for yesterday....what would you have woken up with today if He took everything away except what you thanked Him for yesterday? Are we truly thanking Him for what He does?
I end this post as I started it...sitting here as a humble woman, knowing that all I have is from God and it's my job to give it all back to Him as an offering.
"I love you, Lord
and I lift my voice,
to worship you.
Oh, my soul, rejoice.
Take joy my King,
in what you hear.
May it be a sweet,
sweet sound in Your ear."
As I sat here reading, I felt like I was reading the story of someone else besides myself. I wanted to reach through the computer screen and shake this strange person sharing my life story with such negativity. Yes, life has been rough at times, but that doesn't mean that God wasn't working. I could see as I read, the evidence of His working in everything. Scott's cancer, our infertility, the loss of babies, and the joy of becoming parents to Martie. God's work is woven through it all.
There's nothing wrong with being tired, a little depressed or overwhelmed, or any other feelings. But I am glad that I don't sit here letting it all take over my life. I admit, I was a bit embarrassed to read about this strange woman who had daily pity parties. Where was the contentment? Where was the true Joy of the Lord that I "claimed" to have at times? But in the past month things have truly changed with me.
I can only put the blame for that change on God Himself. I gave it all to Him, nailed it on the cross , and He made me a new woman. A changed, forgiven, and free woman. Life will still be tough at times. And with two teenagers in the house and a baby on the way it's sometimes very tough. But I spend time reading His word and praying almost everyday...I'm still not perfect you know. Lol! I can't do this life without Him. He is the source of my true joy!
I want from this point on, to be able to come back and read this blog and see the confidence that I had in God. To see the evidence of His work with no doubts about how He went about it. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He has never left me or forsaken me. I could sit here right now and make a list of all my blessings and not be done with that list for weeks and weeks. And here's a challenge to you (as well as me): Think of what you thanked God for yesterday....what would you have woken up with today if He took everything away except what you thanked Him for yesterday? Are we truly thanking Him for what He does?
I end this post as I started it...sitting here as a humble woman, knowing that all I have is from God and it's my job to give it all back to Him as an offering.
"I love you, Lord
and I lift my voice,
to worship you.
Oh, my soul, rejoice.
Take joy my King,
in what you hear.
May it be a sweet,
sweet sound in Your ear."
Monday, August 13, 2012
Almost there!
We are almost parents to a little baby. A baby boy!!!! The birth mom is 36 weeks this week. She has been having some preterm labor but has kept him in this far. We are so ready to welcome our John William into the world. I can't wait to post pictures for everyone to see. :)
Just wanted to update everyone quick. I will add pictures of the nursery tomorrow.
God bless!
Just wanted to update everyone quick. I will add pictures of the nursery tomorrow.
God bless!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Tomorrow is the first Dr. appointment that I get to go to. I am soooooo excited to be a part of this. I still hope she goes through with it. I have bought a few clothes and even a swing (winnie the pooh of course). I registered some more on another site....one that actually had the stroller and carseat combo I wanted. I think I'm finally in too deep not to get hurt. But I just decided that I want to have something to look forward to.
Oh, and one other thing.....I started on some pooh cross-stitch bib's that I have been saving for "someday".
22 weeks this week, which means 18 weeks to go!
We still don't know boy or girl yet. Some days I wanna know so bad and other days I love the idea of a surprise. So I will let God make the decision whether or not we find out.
Oh, and one other thing.....I started on some pooh cross-stitch bib's that I have been saving for "someday".
22 weeks this week, which means 18 weeks to go!
We still don't know boy or girl yet. Some days I wanna know so bad and other days I love the idea of a surprise. So I will let God make the decision whether or not we find out.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
BREAKING NEWS!!!!
So is everyone ready for this news? My blog says we are a family of 4, but we may be adding one more to make us a family of 5!
I've always said that if I were to adopt an infant that it would have to be privately through an attorney and that God would have to drop it in my lap. Well, I guess God thought my lap was empty enough. Here, I'll share how it happened:
I was in Alta Vista a week and a half ago (Martie went to prom with my sister). While there, I got a phone call from a family member who knew someone, who knew a woman who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. I thought, ok, won't hurt to call and find out what's up with this.
We have now met the woman, I have a sonogram picture of the baby, am meeting with the attorney this afternoon, and she just called and invited me to the drs appointment for next Wednesday.
I know that adoption can go either way until the baby is born, but I can't help but get excited. We are wanting to wait on big purchases until after we have the baby, but we'll see if I can actually go without buying a thing....I just might have to go out on a limb and just buy a few things. I actually made a wish list online for my Winnie the Pooh baby stuff. But I'll keep it a secret for now.
So I guess I need to really work on keeping my blog updated. This is the easiest way to share what is going on with all that.
On a different note, our lives are changing one other way at the end of this month. Things have physically gotten so bad with me that I am having a hysterectomy on the 31st. My parents told me that the baby was my reward for having to give up my "woman parts". I guess we'll see. For now I'll leave it at that and ask that everyone pray hard that this works out for us. The girls are so, so excited (as are our extended families).
Our potential baby
I've always said that if I were to adopt an infant that it would have to be privately through an attorney and that God would have to drop it in my lap. Well, I guess God thought my lap was empty enough. Here, I'll share how it happened:
I was in Alta Vista a week and a half ago (Martie went to prom with my sister). While there, I got a phone call from a family member who knew someone, who knew a woman who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. I thought, ok, won't hurt to call and find out what's up with this.
We have now met the woman, I have a sonogram picture of the baby, am meeting with the attorney this afternoon, and she just called and invited me to the drs appointment for next Wednesday.
I know that adoption can go either way until the baby is born, but I can't help but get excited. We are wanting to wait on big purchases until after we have the baby, but we'll see if I can actually go without buying a thing....I just might have to go out on a limb and just buy a few things. I actually made a wish list online for my Winnie the Pooh baby stuff. But I'll keep it a secret for now.
So I guess I need to really work on keeping my blog updated. This is the easiest way to share what is going on with all that.
On a different note, our lives are changing one other way at the end of this month. Things have physically gotten so bad with me that I am having a hysterectomy on the 31st. My parents told me that the baby was my reward for having to give up my "woman parts". I guess we'll see. For now I'll leave it at that and ask that everyone pray hard that this works out for us. The girls are so, so excited (as are our extended families).
Our potential baby
Friday, January 6, 2012
The Holidays
So Christmas was good this year...like usual. We spent the time with my husbands family. I love being there. I love seeing nieces and nephews and watching them open presents. I made like oodles of cookies and other goodies (some of which are still in the freezer...yeah, like I said oodles). One of my favorite things is getting my brother-in-law, Randy all riled up. It's pretty easy. Just call jello a dessert and you've got a full-fledged argument on your hands (he swears that all jello is a salad). To be honest, I really don't care what you consider it, I just love jello.
Being with my husbands family is a very relaxing time. Most of the adults take turns napping so that someone is always watching the little ones...but we all end up sleeping. It's a good time.
Then for New Year's we went to my family's place in Alta Vista. I love being there, too. I love the food that we all eat (oodles and gobs...and I still have cookies left). I love my nieces and nephews all the same on this side of the family too.
But you know, after all those similarities, my family is totally opposite. Where I get rested up at my in-laws house, I usually wear myself out at my parents house. We stay up all hours of the night and then get up early the next morning (or just a few hours later) so that we don't miss a single moment with anyone.
This year my older sister and her boyfriend came down. This thrilled all of us because she lives in Minnesota and doesn't get to travel to Kansas very often. And her boyfriend, Robbie, is so much fun to be around. I'm very adamant about couples being married before living together, but I guess in this case I will love them anyway and call him brother-in-law.
It's so neat to watch the family grow and watch us have to use a bigger table each year. We used to be able to fit on the dining room table with a card table in the living room close by. Not anymore...my parents pull out the full-size ping-pong table and we cover it with a pretty table cloth and set the chairs around it. Then we have a dining room size table set up for the teenagers (and a couple or two that think they are still young...lol). And then there's the really little kid table...a plastic "little tykes" table. This seats the 3 that are old enough to sit by themselves. (there's still one that is an infant) I'm pretty sure I won't even try to count because I would get lost.
And this year it was our turn to add to the table. Yeppers...Katryna got to spend New Years Day with us. She didn't get to spend the night, but we left at 4:00 in the morning to pick her up by 6:00. Then we got back to my parents house at 8:00 and got ready for church. It was so much fun to watch her interact with everyone again (I say again, because she was with us at Easter just as a guest). She did meet a few new people that weren't there at Easter. She had to be back to the place she's staying at 10:00 pm. Boo =(
She got to open a bunch of presents from everyone, and was even a part of our white elephant gift exchange. We took pictures as a family, even though we were dressed in sweats and "play" clothes instead of "good" clothes. We are so ready for her to be in our house.
She started talking that day about changing her name. My older sister asked her what her last name was and Katryna almost wasn't going to tell her. Daggers almost shot out of her eyes. (I can't blame her for not liking her last name...I can't share, but there's a good reason). She then talked about changing her facebook page asap and putting the Soodsma name on it. And she wants the yearbook to have it as Soodsma as of when she gets back. It made me tear up to hear her talk about taking our name.
And then, to top it all off, she plays piano. Ok, let me back up a little to share the whole story. Martie got a keyboard for Christmas from Santa. Within a week she had a song learned and was playing (two-handed chords) and singing with it. So we had her play for my family on the piano. Martie gets done, and Katryna asks if she can play a song. All I have to say is that my girls are very talented and I can't wait to polish it all up and get them performing with me on stage.
Well, I could go on forever and ever, but I'll save some for another post. If you can't tell, I'm so excited. I love being a mommy to two beautiful and amazing girls. What a blessed woman I am.
Below is our family of four...and of course the new sisters:
Being with my husbands family is a very relaxing time. Most of the adults take turns napping so that someone is always watching the little ones...but we all end up sleeping. It's a good time.
Then for New Year's we went to my family's place in Alta Vista. I love being there, too. I love the food that we all eat (oodles and gobs...and I still have cookies left). I love my nieces and nephews all the same on this side of the family too.
But you know, after all those similarities, my family is totally opposite. Where I get rested up at my in-laws house, I usually wear myself out at my parents house. We stay up all hours of the night and then get up early the next morning (or just a few hours later) so that we don't miss a single moment with anyone.
This year my older sister and her boyfriend came down. This thrilled all of us because she lives in Minnesota and doesn't get to travel to Kansas very often. And her boyfriend, Robbie, is so much fun to be around. I'm very adamant about couples being married before living together, but I guess in this case I will love them anyway and call him brother-in-law.
It's so neat to watch the family grow and watch us have to use a bigger table each year. We used to be able to fit on the dining room table with a card table in the living room close by. Not anymore...my parents pull out the full-size ping-pong table and we cover it with a pretty table cloth and set the chairs around it. Then we have a dining room size table set up for the teenagers (and a couple or two that think they are still young...lol). And then there's the really little kid table...a plastic "little tykes" table. This seats the 3 that are old enough to sit by themselves. (there's still one that is an infant) I'm pretty sure I won't even try to count because I would get lost.
And this year it was our turn to add to the table. Yeppers...Katryna got to spend New Years Day with us. She didn't get to spend the night, but we left at 4:00 in the morning to pick her up by 6:00. Then we got back to my parents house at 8:00 and got ready for church. It was so much fun to watch her interact with everyone again (I say again, because she was with us at Easter just as a guest). She did meet a few new people that weren't there at Easter. She had to be back to the place she's staying at 10:00 pm. Boo =(
She got to open a bunch of presents from everyone, and was even a part of our white elephant gift exchange. We took pictures as a family, even though we were dressed in sweats and "play" clothes instead of "good" clothes. We are so ready for her to be in our house.
She started talking that day about changing her name. My older sister asked her what her last name was and Katryna almost wasn't going to tell her. Daggers almost shot out of her eyes. (I can't blame her for not liking her last name...I can't share, but there's a good reason). She then talked about changing her facebook page asap and putting the Soodsma name on it. And she wants the yearbook to have it as Soodsma as of when she gets back. It made me tear up to hear her talk about taking our name.
And then, to top it all off, she plays piano. Ok, let me back up a little to share the whole story. Martie got a keyboard for Christmas from Santa. Within a week she had a song learned and was playing (two-handed chords) and singing with it. So we had her play for my family on the piano. Martie gets done, and Katryna asks if she can play a song. All I have to say is that my girls are very talented and I can't wait to polish it all up and get them performing with me on stage.
Well, I could go on forever and ever, but I'll save some for another post. If you can't tell, I'm so excited. I love being a mommy to two beautiful and amazing girls. What a blessed woman I am.
Below is our family of four...and of course the new sisters:
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