I am this woman...

I never wanted to be this woman. I wanted a simple, boring life where we all lived happily ever after, with a little bit of dysfunctional thrown in there at times. Where my husband and I grew old together and our children came to visit us in the nursing home when we were 80 and 90 years old. I was not supposed to be the woman fighting alongside her husband for his life, all the while knowing that the battle is only for more time, and not for the dream of growing old. I didn't want to be that woman who knows her children will be going through big moments in their lives without their dad. I didn't want to be this woman who figures out who she can tell the God-awful truth to, and who it is that she must sugar-coat the truth. I never wanted to be this woman who has a small notebook hidden from sight with the plans for her husbands funeral. I never wanted to be a 31 year old woman slowly losing her husband.

But I am this woman. I am this woman who knows that every moment counts. Every moment is something to be cherished. It's something that everyone should live like, but we don't. We just don't always remember to cherish the little moments, until we are watching our husband go downhill everyday. To watch his pain increase as his energy decreases. Waiting for test results to see which treatment might prolong his life just a little more. I am this woman who knows she must try and paint the picture a little prettier for her children, so they can hope for those big moments when they are older. I am the woman who keeps a pretty face of hope and faith, even on the days when she's not feeling it. I am the woman who finds out how strong she can be, but also finds her ultimate breaking point. I am this woman who some days stays positive only for the sake of her husband, so that he will continue to fight as hard as he can. I am this woman who borders on keeping her hope alive that God can do a miracle anytime He wants, but also knows to prepare for a grim future ahead.

I am this woman.....this woman I never wanted to be. I am the woman who's husband has metastasized melanoma....the kind of cancer that is referred to as the most malignant of all cancers. There is no cure, only treatments to try and prolong life as much as possible. It's a cancer that sneaks around the body undetected until one day, it's just suddenly there. It's a kind of cancer that refuses to respond to any of the treatments another cancer will respond to. That travels through the blood stream as one cell and chooses which organ to plant itself into next. And unfortunately this process is not detected through normal ways of checking for cancer.

I want to be any woman but this one...ANY woman but this. But that is not to be, because I already am this woman.....and there's no going back now.

Breathe, Mel, Breathe

I've been hearing that phrase a lot today. So I've tried to literally sit down at times and do that. It is hitting me today that the battle is real and as of tomorrow, the battle is on. It is like being punched in the gut that knocks the wind out of you. And all that's left to do is sit down and take deep breaths.

I was nervous about the eye cancer, but this is different. It's different in that it's inside his body, not on the surface of his eye. It's also different because I was a lot more ignorant before. I guess ignorance is bliss, as they say. One last reason: OUR KIDS! They don't understand this at all. They can't get why their daddy would get cancer in his lungs. The problem is that all I can do is be here for them. I can't take it away, I have to just be there and help them grieve this. All the while I have to find my own time to grieve and do what I need for me.

So today as I pack and get ready for the trip, you'll find me occasionally sitting down and repeating to myself "Breathe, Mel, Breathe."