Why is it that some of us wait until life is shortened to add quality to our lives? Why can't we all just live that way before illness and other things happen to us? The ideal life would be one where you always take each day and live it to the fullest, as if it might possibly be your last day with the ones you love.
I can't say that my life with my husband has never been full of quality life and wonderful moments. I just know that we could have always made a bigger deal out of the small things in life. Maybe not have complained so much about things that really didn't matter. To have cherished each moment we were in instead of longing for the next moment.
But from this moment on, I want my life to be about the moment that I'm in. I don't want to long for things in the past that I can't get back, and I don't want to long for things in the future that might look better. I know better than to long for what's next, because I'm not sure when "next" won't be there.
Scott and I are talking a little more everyday about what to do with this time of our lives. We each feel that our time is limited. We're not sure how limited it is, but that doesn't matter so much right now. We have talked about trips we may want to take, places we would like to see, people that we want to visit with. We have talked with my parents about whether to go on a cruise or to do a Disney Vacation with the WHOLE family. I guess it will depend on when we do it and what we can handle.
I am at a point right now where I feel like I should be somewhat emotional, but there's something keeping me from being so emotional. It's like I just truly can't cry. I know that I should and there's a part of me that wants to, but it just won't happen. It makes me think that there's something wrong with me at times, but then I wonder if it's God's way of keeping me in the fight for as long as we can fight. To stay in the moment and not in the future.
This post almost seems to be a bit like I'm rambling. It's like I go from one thought to the next....I guess that's the way my post should be as it's the way I am on an everyday basis. My thoughts sometimes just ramble from one to the next with no warning. I think it's from the deep down exhaustion that I feel. I can sleep a whole night and still feel like I could sleep for a week.
My days at home pretty much consist of waking up when John wakes up, changing his diaper, feeding him breakfast, getting Scott's meds, changing the dressing on Scott's back, changing Johns clothes, keeping both of my boys occupied and maybe get them to take a morning nap, do lunch for us all, do more meds for Scott, spend time with both my guys, try and get them to take an afternoon nap (now that I'm home this is when I'll do my housecleaning), start some supper, eat supper, get Scott more meds, then make sure John gets a bath and Scott gets a shower, change scott's dressing, change John into his jammies, get John a bottle and get him to bed by 9:00 at the latest.
Unfortunately this does not include the time I want to spend with Lizzy, paying the bills that are due and getting the checkbook caught up. It's also hard to go someplace by myself because I can't leave John with Scott and I can't leave Scott alone. I have to make sure I have a "babysitter" for them both. It's just much easier to stay at home with these two wonderful guys that fill my days. At least I know we are getting quantity time as well as quality.
I urge you to look at your life right now and ask yourself if you are living life to the fullest. None of us is promised tomorrow, so remember to live quality of life in case you don't get the quantity of life you want.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
I am this woman...
I never wanted to be this woman. I wanted a simple, boring life where we all lived happily ever after, with a little bit of dysfunctional thrown in there at times. Where my husband and I grew old together and our children came to visit us in the nursing home when we were 80 and 90 years old. I was not supposed to be the woman fighting alongside her husband for his life, all the while knowing that the battle is only for more time, and not for the dream of growing old. I didn't want to be that woman who knows her children will be going through big moments in their lives without their dad. I didn't want to be this woman who figures out who she can tell the God-awful truth to, and who it is that she must sugar-coat the truth. I never wanted to be this woman who has a small notebook hidden from sight with the plans for her husbands funeral. I never wanted to be a 31 year old woman slowly losing her husband.
But I am this woman. I am this woman who knows that every moment counts. Every moment is something to be cherished. It's something that everyone should live like, but we don't. We just don't always remember to cherish the little moments, until we are watching our husband go downhill everyday. To watch his pain increase as his energy decreases. Waiting for test results to see which treatment might prolong his life just a little more. I am this woman who knows she must try and paint the picture a little prettier for her children, so they can hope for those big moments when they are older. I am the woman who keeps a pretty face of hope and faith, even on the days when she's not feeling it. I am the woman who finds out how strong she can be, but also finds her ultimate breaking point. I am this woman who some days stays positive only for the sake of her husband, so that he will continue to fight as hard as he can. I am this woman who borders on keeping her hope alive that God can do a miracle anytime He wants, but also knows to prepare for a grim future ahead.
I am this woman.....this woman I never wanted to be. I am the woman who's husband has metastasized melanoma....the kind of cancer that is referred to as the most malignant of all cancers. There is no cure, only treatments to try and prolong life as much as possible. It's a cancer that sneaks around the body undetected until one day, it's just suddenly there. It's a kind of cancer that refuses to respond to any of the treatments another cancer will respond to. That travels through the blood stream as one cell and chooses which organ to plant itself into next. And unfortunately this process is not detected through normal ways of checking for cancer.
I want to be any woman but this one...ANY woman but this. But that is not to be, because I already am this woman.....and there's no going back now.
But I am this woman. I am this woman who knows that every moment counts. Every moment is something to be cherished. It's something that everyone should live like, but we don't. We just don't always remember to cherish the little moments, until we are watching our husband go downhill everyday. To watch his pain increase as his energy decreases. Waiting for test results to see which treatment might prolong his life just a little more. I am this woman who knows she must try and paint the picture a little prettier for her children, so they can hope for those big moments when they are older. I am the woman who keeps a pretty face of hope and faith, even on the days when she's not feeling it. I am the woman who finds out how strong she can be, but also finds her ultimate breaking point. I am this woman who some days stays positive only for the sake of her husband, so that he will continue to fight as hard as he can. I am this woman who borders on keeping her hope alive that God can do a miracle anytime He wants, but also knows to prepare for a grim future ahead.
I am this woman.....this woman I never wanted to be. I am the woman who's husband has metastasized melanoma....the kind of cancer that is referred to as the most malignant of all cancers. There is no cure, only treatments to try and prolong life as much as possible. It's a cancer that sneaks around the body undetected until one day, it's just suddenly there. It's a kind of cancer that refuses to respond to any of the treatments another cancer will respond to. That travels through the blood stream as one cell and chooses which organ to plant itself into next. And unfortunately this process is not detected through normal ways of checking for cancer.
I want to be any woman but this one...ANY woman but this. But that is not to be, because I already am this woman.....and there's no going back now.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Breathe, Mel, Breathe
I've been hearing that phrase a lot today. So I've tried to literally sit down at times and do that. It is hitting me today that the battle is real and as of tomorrow, the battle is on. It is like being punched in the gut that knocks the wind out of you. And all that's left to do is sit down and take deep breaths.
I was nervous about the eye cancer, but this is different. It's different in that it's inside his body, not on the surface of his eye. It's also different because I was a lot more ignorant before. I guess ignorance is bliss, as they say. One last reason: OUR KIDS! They don't understand this at all. They can't get why their daddy would get cancer in his lungs. The problem is that all I can do is be here for them. I can't take it away, I have to just be there and help them grieve this. All the while I have to find my own time to grieve and do what I need for me.
So today as I pack and get ready for the trip, you'll find me occasionally sitting down and repeating to myself "Breathe, Mel, Breathe."
I was nervous about the eye cancer, but this is different. It's different in that it's inside his body, not on the surface of his eye. It's also different because I was a lot more ignorant before. I guess ignorance is bliss, as they say. One last reason: OUR KIDS! They don't understand this at all. They can't get why their daddy would get cancer in his lungs. The problem is that all I can do is be here for them. I can't take it away, I have to just be there and help them grieve this. All the while I have to find my own time to grieve and do what I need for me.
So today as I pack and get ready for the trip, you'll find me occasionally sitting down and repeating to myself "Breathe, Mel, Breathe."
Monday, September 30, 2013
Taking it day by day
Lately I never know if it will be a good or bad day until I wake up...or even halfway through the day. Some days Scott has such a good day we forget for just a moment that he has a terrible disease attacking his body. But days like today remind me that we have quite a road ahead of us.
Scott gets fevers, he continues to lose weight, he looks so pale and today his face even looks a bit sunken in. He gets pain in his body that makes it hard to function and do everyday tasks. Yesterday he had one of his tired and feeling weak days. He went to open an envelope with a card in it and barely got it opened or the card out.
It kills me to watch daily as he goes further downhill, or watch a new symptom show up. I try very hard to be strong for him, but it takes all I have to keep going, or more accurately, it's God keeping me going.
I have started praying daily that the cancer has not spread elsewhere, but I remind myself that with all the signs I see there is a very real possibility that his cancer has spread.
This is the toughest road we've been down so far, but it has helped so much to have family that lets me get angry and vent to them. They are so patient with me and I love them dearly for helping me be strong.
My sister-in-law also decided to order bracelets for our family to wear and to sell as a fundraiser. This means so much to me as I watch people requesting a bracelet to support Scott. This has given me strength as well.
I know that this road will be a long tough journey, and I have no idea what the outcome truly will be, so I'll keep moving on and being strong. With God I can do this.
Scott gets fevers, he continues to lose weight, he looks so pale and today his face even looks a bit sunken in. He gets pain in his body that makes it hard to function and do everyday tasks. Yesterday he had one of his tired and feeling weak days. He went to open an envelope with a card in it and barely got it opened or the card out.
It kills me to watch daily as he goes further downhill, or watch a new symptom show up. I try very hard to be strong for him, but it takes all I have to keep going, or more accurately, it's God keeping me going.
I have started praying daily that the cancer has not spread elsewhere, but I remind myself that with all the signs I see there is a very real possibility that his cancer has spread.
This is the toughest road we've been down so far, but it has helped so much to have family that lets me get angry and vent to them. They are so patient with me and I love them dearly for helping me be strong.
My sister-in-law also decided to order bracelets for our family to wear and to sell as a fundraiser. This means so much to me as I watch people requesting a bracelet to support Scott. This has given me strength as well.
I know that this road will be a long tough journey, and I have no idea what the outcome truly will be, so I'll keep moving on and being strong. With God I can do this.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Vow Renewal
Today was such a special day for us. I surprised Scott this morning at church. The pastor helped me as did our children. I've been planning it for about 5 weeks and couldn't hardly wait for it to get here. Since we will be celebrating our 10th anniversary next month, we renewed our vows this morning in front of our church, friends and family. It was a surprise to Scott.
There were so many tears this morning by not only Scott and myself, but just about everyone in the congregation. But renewing our vows had so much more meaning than it did the first time we said them to each other. We've learned what it means to actually live out our vows. It was so important to me for us to do it, especially finding out about Scotts cancer this past week. I want him to know that I'm there by his side through this next trial in our lives.
I really don't know what else to say, so I'll just post a picture from this morning.
There were so many tears this morning by not only Scott and myself, but just about everyone in the congregation. But renewing our vows had so much more meaning than it did the first time we said them to each other. We've learned what it means to actually live out our vows. It was so important to me for us to do it, especially finding out about Scotts cancer this past week. I want him to know that I'm there by his side through this next trial in our lives.
I really don't know what else to say, so I'll just post a picture from this morning.
Friday, September 27, 2013
A New Day
Well, it's real. Wednesday was not a dream and the journey is upon us. The shock has officially worn off and that was realized last night when Scott had to work late. This is not uncommon for him during this season because of harvest, but I still did not take it well. I called Scott and said some not nice things. I think I remember saying to him something like: "All the other guys at work can shove it up their butts. I don't care if one of them had a grandma die....I want you home and they can do your work for you."
I'm a bit ashamed that I had an outburst like this...and where the comments about the grandma thing came from, I'm not sure. If someone's grandma were to pass away, I would really not be that heartless. I do care about others.
But my actions and words were explained a little bit when Scott finally came home and went to me to see how I was doing. I turned around buried my face in his chest and cried "I can't do this." I guess we'll have to take turns being strong and it was Scott's turn last night.
This morning I felt a bit renewed and somewhat refreshed (still didn't get enough sleep) and I was ready for battle again. I made a facebook page for prayers and encouragement to Scott and the rest of us. I know that the more prayers we have, the better it will be...no matter what the outcome is.
I may have to use this blog to vent some when I don't want to be negative in front of Scott, but need to get out my fears and frustrations. I don't know how many people I know really read this, but if you are reading this and praying for my husband and our family, thank you from the bottom of my heart. The prayers are what is holding us together at this point. Thank you.
I'm a bit ashamed that I had an outburst like this...and where the comments about the grandma thing came from, I'm not sure. If someone's grandma were to pass away, I would really not be that heartless. I do care about others.
But my actions and words were explained a little bit when Scott finally came home and went to me to see how I was doing. I turned around buried my face in his chest and cried "I can't do this." I guess we'll have to take turns being strong and it was Scott's turn last night.
This morning I felt a bit renewed and somewhat refreshed (still didn't get enough sleep) and I was ready for battle again. I made a facebook page for prayers and encouragement to Scott and the rest of us. I know that the more prayers we have, the better it will be...no matter what the outcome is.
I may have to use this blog to vent some when I don't want to be negative in front of Scott, but need to get out my fears and frustrations. I don't know how many people I know really read this, but if you are reading this and praying for my husband and our family, thank you from the bottom of my heart. The prayers are what is holding us together at this point. Thank you.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
I'm in shock...
I sit here as my shock is starting to wear off. How do I react to the news we got today? My husband has lung cancer. Melanoma to be exact....leftovers from his eye cancer. I want to be strong, but I don't feel strong. All the what-ifs go through my mind and I wonder what the future holds. How long will this battle be? Will it be over quickly or go on and on and on? I can do this...with God by my side I CAN do it. But I'm speechless...I can't think. Today feels like it was just a bad dream that might be over soon...but it's not a dream. Its real and I just want it to go away. Just keep us in your prayers as we start the process of surgeries and possibly radiation. Lord, be by our side through our trial.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
My Gut
I'm known in my family for getting "gut feelings" as we call them, and about 90% of the time my gut is right. I do this a lot with my kiddos, but it's happened in other areas as well. A funny example would be the times I've "baby whispered" family and friends. I'm under strict orders not to "baby whisper my sister-in-law in Topeka anymore....for now anyway.
But sometimes my gut lets me in on things that I don't like. The year my husband was diagnosed with his eye cancer my gut kept telling me to "prepare". I didn't know what, but I found out within a couple months why this message was so important as I heard my husband say the words "I have cancer".
I also knew in my gut that my timeline for trying for a baby would end when I was 30 and sure enough I turned 30 just a few months before my hysterectomy.
I have not always been right on everything...but enough to be scary. Thats why I'm a little scared about whats going on now. My husband has to have a biopsy done on a spot found in his lung. As much as I've tried to pray "God please don't let this be cancer" I've found that the words are blocked each time I try and pray them. Instead the words that come out are "please help us through this time. Give me strength to endure." I've talked to people who normally would tell me not to think negative thoughts of cancer and what that future might hold and they have talked me through how to prepare for the worst.
I do not want the worst to happen, but I do feel a strange peace, a comfort that no matter what the outcome, I will be fine. I will endure and I will do it with the joy of the Lord.
I do hope this time my gut is wrong. But if for some reason it is not, you will see this woman pick herself up off the floor after the shock wears off and she will keep fighting the battle.
ps....I just want to say that I know we refer to MY gut, but I do believe that these gut feelings are God speaking to me...I take no credit.
But sometimes my gut lets me in on things that I don't like. The year my husband was diagnosed with his eye cancer my gut kept telling me to "prepare". I didn't know what, but I found out within a couple months why this message was so important as I heard my husband say the words "I have cancer".
I also knew in my gut that my timeline for trying for a baby would end when I was 30 and sure enough I turned 30 just a few months before my hysterectomy.
I have not always been right on everything...but enough to be scary. Thats why I'm a little scared about whats going on now. My husband has to have a biopsy done on a spot found in his lung. As much as I've tried to pray "God please don't let this be cancer" I've found that the words are blocked each time I try and pray them. Instead the words that come out are "please help us through this time. Give me strength to endure." I've talked to people who normally would tell me not to think negative thoughts of cancer and what that future might hold and they have talked me through how to prepare for the worst.
I do not want the worst to happen, but I do feel a strange peace, a comfort that no matter what the outcome, I will be fine. I will endure and I will do it with the joy of the Lord.
I do hope this time my gut is wrong. But if for some reason it is not, you will see this woman pick herself up off the floor after the shock wears off and she will keep fighting the battle.
ps....I just want to say that I know we refer to MY gut, but I do believe that these gut feelings are God speaking to me...I take no credit.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Keep your mind on Christ
It is sometimes really hard to keep our minds on the things of God. I say this because I've been doing research about some shows that my middle daughter has been watching lately. Scott and I have not felt right about them, but to try and explain to our daughter that she can't watch them because of a feeling we have wasn't working out to well. So I did some research today on these shows. What are the shows saying to our daughter, what is the christian perspective on them, were two questions that I wanted answered in my search today.
I found my answer in my internet search. I found a great article that spoke just what I needed to hear and what later today my daughter will hear. It's going to be very tough for her to hear all of this...and tougher yet will be our conclusion that she is not to watch these shows any longer. Why will it be tough? Because most of her friends are watching these shows, and it's very hard to give something up when our family knows full well that the other kids will be allowed to continue watching these shows.
We all have those things that we know are wrong for us to do, but yet we keep going with them. We know deep down that God does not approve of the action or thought, but it seems so innocent, it seems like it might be ok for us to do it because we are strong enough not to get in too deep, or we know God will forgive us anyway, right? These are not good attitudes to have. God knows what's best for us and that's why He gives us guidelines to follow.
The article I found used scripture to teach the reader how to judge for themselves whether something was good or not:
“Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
Think for a minute about that list of words: true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. This is a great verse to revisit time and time again not only with anime and manga but also with all our media decisions (such as movies, TV shows, video games and music)."
I will share the link at the bottom of my post if you want to read his article.
Is there something in your life that doesn't fit with this scripture? Something that gives you that "gut check" everytime you think about it, but you continue it anyway? I challenge you to give it up for Christ. He can see the world and our lives so much clearer. He sees the big picture when we can't.
If you aren't a parent right now, pretend you are for the sake of the example. Say your child is walking in a parking lot with you, and they want to run to the store entrance. You know that it's safer to walk and look for vehicles, but they don't understand this, so what do they do? They let go of your hand and take off running, right at the moment you see a car coming. You can see the car, but they cannot. You see the danger when they do not.
Remember God is our wonderful Father in Heaven. He sees the "cars" in this "parking lot" of a world. Let Him hold your hand and lead you safely to the "store entrance".
http://www.thechristiandefense.com/viewtopic.php?t=7776
I found my answer in my internet search. I found a great article that spoke just what I needed to hear and what later today my daughter will hear. It's going to be very tough for her to hear all of this...and tougher yet will be our conclusion that she is not to watch these shows any longer. Why will it be tough? Because most of her friends are watching these shows, and it's very hard to give something up when our family knows full well that the other kids will be allowed to continue watching these shows.
We all have those things that we know are wrong for us to do, but yet we keep going with them. We know deep down that God does not approve of the action or thought, but it seems so innocent, it seems like it might be ok for us to do it because we are strong enough not to get in too deep, or we know God will forgive us anyway, right? These are not good attitudes to have. God knows what's best for us and that's why He gives us guidelines to follow.
The article I found used scripture to teach the reader how to judge for themselves whether something was good or not:
“Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
Think for a minute about that list of words: true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. This is a great verse to revisit time and time again not only with anime and manga but also with all our media decisions (such as movies, TV shows, video games and music)."
I will share the link at the bottom of my post if you want to read his article.
Is there something in your life that doesn't fit with this scripture? Something that gives you that "gut check" everytime you think about it, but you continue it anyway? I challenge you to give it up for Christ. He can see the world and our lives so much clearer. He sees the big picture when we can't.
If you aren't a parent right now, pretend you are for the sake of the example. Say your child is walking in a parking lot with you, and they want to run to the store entrance. You know that it's safer to walk and look for vehicles, but they don't understand this, so what do they do? They let go of your hand and take off running, right at the moment you see a car coming. You can see the car, but they cannot. You see the danger when they do not.
Remember God is our wonderful Father in Heaven. He sees the "cars" in this "parking lot" of a world. Let Him hold your hand and lead you safely to the "store entrance".
http://www.thechristiandefense.com/viewtopic.php?t=7776
Monday, August 19, 2013
I'm bilingual!
No, I don't speak much spanish, don't speak any french, and I don't know any other language at all. But besides english I do speak one more language. It's the language of music. I actually speak the language of music just slightly better than I speak english. How is this? Because I find that I can express myself better through music than I can by telling people how I feel or what I'm thinking. I tend to find songs that speak about a situation I might be going through, or might express how I feel about a person better than I can tell them. So what do I do? I will post song lyrics, I will sing the song, or I'll even post a video of a song.
Each of my children has a song (a couple of them have more than one song because I found 2 or 3 songs that might speak how I feel about them). I even have songs that make me think of Scott and how I feel about him. We have talked about renewing our vows and I've already been planning the music that will be played at that ceremony.
I really believe that music is powerful. Have you ever been in a bad mood? Ha...that's a silly question, who hasn't been in a bad mood. Well, think about a time when you maybe felt angry or hurt and listened to some music that fed those feelings. A song that expressed anger at a person for doing you wrong or something similar to what you are going through. It keeps you in a bad mood and you keep re-living the bad situation instead of moving on.
Now think about a time you were in a bad mood and listened to positive music. It may have been worship music, other Christian music, positive secular music, or even classical music can work the same too. This music lifted your spirits. It helped you realize that it was time to let the hurt or anger go, right? That's how powerful music is. It can alter your mood! Songs can make us feel sad, they can make us laugh, we can feel happy feelings, we can feel love, or we can feel angry. Wow!!!!!
So if it ever seems like I'm struggling to find words to express myself in person or on here, I bet you will shortly find me posting some kind of music from somewhere that will help me express myself. Try using music as your language the next time you might be struggling to express a thought or a feeling. You might be surprised that you can speak one more language.
Each of my children has a song (a couple of them have more than one song because I found 2 or 3 songs that might speak how I feel about them). I even have songs that make me think of Scott and how I feel about him. We have talked about renewing our vows and I've already been planning the music that will be played at that ceremony.
I really believe that music is powerful. Have you ever been in a bad mood? Ha...that's a silly question, who hasn't been in a bad mood. Well, think about a time when you maybe felt angry or hurt and listened to some music that fed those feelings. A song that expressed anger at a person for doing you wrong or something similar to what you are going through. It keeps you in a bad mood and you keep re-living the bad situation instead of moving on.
Now think about a time you were in a bad mood and listened to positive music. It may have been worship music, other Christian music, positive secular music, or even classical music can work the same too. This music lifted your spirits. It helped you realize that it was time to let the hurt or anger go, right? That's how powerful music is. It can alter your mood! Songs can make us feel sad, they can make us laugh, we can feel happy feelings, we can feel love, or we can feel angry. Wow!!!!!
So if it ever seems like I'm struggling to find words to express myself in person or on here, I bet you will shortly find me posting some kind of music from somewhere that will help me express myself. Try using music as your language the next time you might be struggling to express a thought or a feeling. You might be surprised that you can speak one more language.
Friday, August 16, 2013
I pinch myself sometimes to make
sure I'm not in a dream. That's how
it seems, I close my eyes and
breath in the sweetes moments
I've ever known
It feels like home, and here
I am I wanna be your everything
There you are turning winter
into spring.
And everyone that sees you
always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you
always has a smile
Your standing ovation
after years of waiting
for a chance to finally Shine.
Everyone calls you amazing
yeah-eh
I Just call you mine
I fall apart, just a word from you
some how seems to fix, whatever's
wrong ohh
You reach into the weakest
moments and remind me that I'm
strong
You've gotta know
I'd be a fool, not to see your
even worse
To forget that your more than
I deserve
Cause everyone that sees you
always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you
always has a smile
Your standing ovation
after years of waiting
for a chance to finally Shine.
Everyone calls you amazing
I Just call you mine
Nothin' makes sense
when you're not here
as if my world disappears
without you what's the point
of it
Cause everyone that sees you
always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you
always has a smile
Your the dream that I've been
chasin'
after years of waiting
for a chance to finally Shine.
Everyone calls you amazing
I Just call you mine
Everyone calls you amazing
yeah yeah yeah
I just call you mine
I really like these lyrics. It's a song called "I Just Call You Mine" by Martina McBride. I think this song is very romantic and I've always thought of my husband when I hear this song....until this morning. It hit me that the lyrics to this song fit very well for our sweet baby boy.
Sometimes I do feel like I'm in a dream when I'm sitting there holding him in my arms. I waited so long to hold a baby that I could call my own. And of course when people see him (even in walmart or other stores) they want to come over and see him. Then there's the line that says "You're the dream that I've been chasin' after years of waiting for a chance to finally shine"...I really did wait years for him. I waited 9 years of our marriage for a baby.
Here's what John has to say about it:
hgtytyddjk h gg cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
Not only is he a blessing to us, but God chose to bless us in 2 ways we never expected to be blessed. We never expected to adopt 2 teenagers. It's very hard for teens to get adopted and this is where God called us to a place that we never thought. The road has been hard...but good. If I had a chance to redo my life and change the way it turned out, I don't think I'd change a thing. I know this is how God wanted it, so I wouldn't ask for anything but His will in my life. He knows best.
So here's my challenge to you: The road may seem hard and long, but don't lose faith and hope in the plan that God has for you. You might not be able to see it today, but someday you will see what he brought you through and it will all make sense (even if that moment is standing at the pearly gates hugging Jesus).
sure I'm not in a dream. That's how
it seems, I close my eyes and
breath in the sweetes moments
I've ever known
It feels like home, and here
I am I wanna be your everything
There you are turning winter
into spring.
And everyone that sees you
always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you
always has a smile
Your standing ovation
after years of waiting
for a chance to finally Shine.
Everyone calls you amazing
yeah-eh
I Just call you mine
I fall apart, just a word from you
some how seems to fix, whatever's
wrong ohh
You reach into the weakest
moments and remind me that I'm
strong
You've gotta know
I'd be a fool, not to see your
even worse
To forget that your more than
I deserve
Cause everyone that sees you
always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you
always has a smile
Your standing ovation
after years of waiting
for a chance to finally Shine.
Everyone calls you amazing
I Just call you mine
Nothin' makes sense
when you're not here
as if my world disappears
without you what's the point
of it
Cause everyone that sees you
always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you
always has a smile
Your the dream that I've been
chasin'
after years of waiting
for a chance to finally Shine.
Everyone calls you amazing
I Just call you mine
Everyone calls you amazing
yeah yeah yeah
I just call you mine
I really like these lyrics. It's a song called "I Just Call You Mine" by Martina McBride. I think this song is very romantic and I've always thought of my husband when I hear this song....until this morning. It hit me that the lyrics to this song fit very well for our sweet baby boy.
Sometimes I do feel like I'm in a dream when I'm sitting there holding him in my arms. I waited so long to hold a baby that I could call my own. And of course when people see him (even in walmart or other stores) they want to come over and see him. Then there's the line that says "You're the dream that I've been chasin' after years of waiting for a chance to finally shine"...I really did wait years for him. I waited 9 years of our marriage for a baby.
Here's what John has to say about it:
hgtytyddjk h gg cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
Not only is he a blessing to us, but God chose to bless us in 2 ways we never expected to be blessed. We never expected to adopt 2 teenagers. It's very hard for teens to get adopted and this is where God called us to a place that we never thought. The road has been hard...but good. If I had a chance to redo my life and change the way it turned out, I don't think I'd change a thing. I know this is how God wanted it, so I wouldn't ask for anything but His will in my life. He knows best.
So here's my challenge to you: The road may seem hard and long, but don't lose faith and hope in the plan that God has for you. You might not be able to see it today, but someday you will see what he brought you through and it will all make sense (even if that moment is standing at the pearly gates hugging Jesus).
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Give unto others....
Something hit me today as I was just sitting on my couch. Like literally 2 minutes ago. It hit me so hard, I had to stop what I was doing and blog about it.
A few days ago I was feeling very down about some things in my life. My feelings were hurt and I was hanging onto the hurt and dwelling on it. It was something that legitimately hurt me and I had every right to feel the way I did, but it was something that was not life and death.
My tendency in life is to hang onto those things that hurt me. I actually have to consciously make myself let things go and forgive when needed. But this time, before I made the decision to do this, I accidentally stumbled upon something that caused me to let it all go, without consciously thinking about it.
It will be grandparents day on September 8. So I decided to send a couple books to my parents, since they live far enough away to miss quite a few things. They called me up last night and today to thank me for the books.
Their phone call today is when it hit me that by giving a gift to someone else, I forgot about how I was feeling. I forgot to feel sorry for me and dwell on my hurt. So my lesson today as clear as clear could be:
When feeling bad about yourself (whether you think it's legitimate or not) give to others, do something for someone and you will forget all about your own troubles. It was a great feeling to suddenly realize that I had made a choice to free myself from a burden without actually knowing I had done so.
A few days ago I was feeling very down about some things in my life. My feelings were hurt and I was hanging onto the hurt and dwelling on it. It was something that legitimately hurt me and I had every right to feel the way I did, but it was something that was not life and death.
My tendency in life is to hang onto those things that hurt me. I actually have to consciously make myself let things go and forgive when needed. But this time, before I made the decision to do this, I accidentally stumbled upon something that caused me to let it all go, without consciously thinking about it.
It will be grandparents day on September 8. So I decided to send a couple books to my parents, since they live far enough away to miss quite a few things. They called me up last night and today to thank me for the books.
Their phone call today is when it hit me that by giving a gift to someone else, I forgot about how I was feeling. I forgot to feel sorry for me and dwell on my hurt. So my lesson today as clear as clear could be:
When feeling bad about yourself (whether you think it's legitimate or not) give to others, do something for someone and you will forget all about your own troubles. It was a great feeling to suddenly realize that I had made a choice to free myself from a burden without actually knowing I had done so.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
I've found blogging to be a very relaxing end to my day. I can take thoughts from my day and get them out before going to bed. It has helped me sleep. I understand that not too many people read it, and that's ok, because it doesn't matter how many people might read it. It's all about me getting my feelings out. Ok, I will admit that it feels good to know that I have people who read it, but I've still blogged when I didn't think anyone was reading it.
Life is getting much better around our house. I got a bunch of cleaning done yesterday, while Scott watched the kiddos (John and the little girl I babysit). It felt good to get those things done. John is doing better at night and during the day at naptime. We got him some amber teething beads and they actually have helped. We really just ordered them as a last resort, thinking that we would be wasting our money. But they have helped, not to mention that John has a really cute necklace that looks good on him.
I still can't believe that it's almost John's first birthday. Actually we realized that this year marked big milestone birthdays for all three of our kiddos. Martie turned 18, Lizzy will be 16 in October, and John's 1st birthday next month. Since Martie moved out before her birthday, she chose to have a party with her birth father. John's birthday is already a pretty big affair (not people-wise, but celebration-wise). Then Lizzy's party is one that we're not sure what to do about. We should do something really special, but I don't know what. At one point Scott wanted to rent a limo for a 16th birthday party, so it could be that we decide to do that.
Ok, that really probably means nothing to my readers, but I guess it was on my mind tonight. :)
Well, I am actually feeling relaxed and ready to go to bed soon. I hope you all had a good weekend and I wish you all a great week ahead. God Bless!!!
Life is getting much better around our house. I got a bunch of cleaning done yesterday, while Scott watched the kiddos (John and the little girl I babysit). It felt good to get those things done. John is doing better at night and during the day at naptime. We got him some amber teething beads and they actually have helped. We really just ordered them as a last resort, thinking that we would be wasting our money. But they have helped, not to mention that John has a really cute necklace that looks good on him.
I still can't believe that it's almost John's first birthday. Actually we realized that this year marked big milestone birthdays for all three of our kiddos. Martie turned 18, Lizzy will be 16 in October, and John's 1st birthday next month. Since Martie moved out before her birthday, she chose to have a party with her birth father. John's birthday is already a pretty big affair (not people-wise, but celebration-wise). Then Lizzy's party is one that we're not sure what to do about. We should do something really special, but I don't know what. At one point Scott wanted to rent a limo for a 16th birthday party, so it could be that we decide to do that.
Ok, that really probably means nothing to my readers, but I guess it was on my mind tonight. :)
Well, I am actually feeling relaxed and ready to go to bed soon. I hope you all had a good weekend and I wish you all a great week ahead. God Bless!!!
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Proverbs 31 Woman
There's a book that I've loved reading since I was 19 years old. I continue to read it at least once a year. I worked at a camp as a cook for 5 years in a row (and loved it!) I found this book in the little house that I would stay in for the summer. It wasn't a new book at the time, and it's definitely not a new book now. It was published in 1984 (I was 2 at the time) and its called "The Proverbs 31 Lady and Other Impossible Dreams." It's by a woman named Marsha Drake.
I don't know Marsha Drake and I don't expect to ever meet her, but her book is such a great read. As the title suggests, she wrote about the passage in Proverbs that talks about "The Virtuous Woman." The book is not written in any way that you would think. She writes it from what I assume is her own life, and her struggles with becoming like the Proverbs 31 Lady that she reads about. It's filled with a number of humorous stories from her life.
I love this book in the fact that it relates to me. When she reads what this virtuous woman was like, she criticizes how she lives her life. Now this is a woman I can relate to. A woman who desires to be like the woman in Proverbs 31, but has not gotten it down perfect at all. This is how I feel like my life is. I want to be like that virtuous woman, I try really hard to be, but daily I feel like I fail.
I'm not a morning person and if you read the scripture, this woman is described as getting up early to start her work. I've tried this and not only do I just hit the snooze button until the alarm literally shuts itself off, but if I do manage to get up, my mood stinks and the work I do is not very good. I am a night person, so when the scripture mentions her staying up late to get her work done I can relate to that. I'm not a Bible scholar and I won't even pretend to have studied this scripture and looked up every word in Bible study books. I just know that some things I can do and some things I can't.
It's also very hard for me to keep my house as clean as what my mind thinks it should be. I've learned that when you have a baby in the house, you just have to lower your standards a bit, for your own sanity and for the sanity of your children.
In the book, she takes the whole Bible passage literally and tries to apply it to her life. She tries to take up sewing and it ends up in disaster (much like what might happen if I took up sewing on a regular basis). This book is filled with so many humorous stories of trying to take the passage literally.
In the end of the book, her husband praises her and she finds out that even when she thought she was failing everyday, her husband saw her efforts, he saw her to be that virtuous woman from the Bible.
That's just it, Ladies, God calls us to use this woman out of Scripture to be an example. He knows we can't be exactly like her, every moment of every day. But He calls us to strive to be like her. Just like He calls us to be Christ-like. We can't be perfect while we live on this earth, but He sees our hearts, He sees our motives. He knows when we are truly trying to be like the virtuous woman.
I recommend reading this book if you can. And let's all try to be the best "Proverbs 31 Ladies" we can be. I will continue my journey to becoming more like her, even if I feel like I fail everyday.
I don't know Marsha Drake and I don't expect to ever meet her, but her book is such a great read. As the title suggests, she wrote about the passage in Proverbs that talks about "The Virtuous Woman." The book is not written in any way that you would think. She writes it from what I assume is her own life, and her struggles with becoming like the Proverbs 31 Lady that she reads about. It's filled with a number of humorous stories from her life.
I love this book in the fact that it relates to me. When she reads what this virtuous woman was like, she criticizes how she lives her life. Now this is a woman I can relate to. A woman who desires to be like the woman in Proverbs 31, but has not gotten it down perfect at all. This is how I feel like my life is. I want to be like that virtuous woman, I try really hard to be, but daily I feel like I fail.
I'm not a morning person and if you read the scripture, this woman is described as getting up early to start her work. I've tried this and not only do I just hit the snooze button until the alarm literally shuts itself off, but if I do manage to get up, my mood stinks and the work I do is not very good. I am a night person, so when the scripture mentions her staying up late to get her work done I can relate to that. I'm not a Bible scholar and I won't even pretend to have studied this scripture and looked up every word in Bible study books. I just know that some things I can do and some things I can't.
It's also very hard for me to keep my house as clean as what my mind thinks it should be. I've learned that when you have a baby in the house, you just have to lower your standards a bit, for your own sanity and for the sanity of your children.
In the book, she takes the whole Bible passage literally and tries to apply it to her life. She tries to take up sewing and it ends up in disaster (much like what might happen if I took up sewing on a regular basis). This book is filled with so many humorous stories of trying to take the passage literally.
In the end of the book, her husband praises her and she finds out that even when she thought she was failing everyday, her husband saw her efforts, he saw her to be that virtuous woman from the Bible.
That's just it, Ladies, God calls us to use this woman out of Scripture to be an example. He knows we can't be exactly like her, every moment of every day. But He calls us to strive to be like her. Just like He calls us to be Christ-like. We can't be perfect while we live on this earth, but He sees our hearts, He sees our motives. He knows when we are truly trying to be like the virtuous woman.
I recommend reading this book if you can. And let's all try to be the best "Proverbs 31 Ladies" we can be. I will continue my journey to becoming more like her, even if I feel like I fail everyday.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Changing moments
Exactly one year ago, we were sitting on the edge of our seats wondering when a baby boy would make his appearance. We were also sitting on the edge of our seats because we didn't know if the baby boy would really be our baby boy. It was a time of great stress for our family (immediate and extended) as we waited. We knew we had to plan some things, but yet had to be ready for the news that our sons birth mother might not choose to give him to us. That we might need to un-decorate a nursery, sell baby items, and grieve yet another loss.
I remember when I first got the phone call that told us to call a woman who wanted to give her baby up for adoption to a nice Christian couple. I remember a few weeks later driving to Garden City to meet her in person. Hoping with all my heart that this could be the woman carrying my precious gift from God, that I had waited years to get. I remember being so nervous and wanting to make a good impression. My heart was pounding, my hands were sweaty, and Scott told me I was doing my nervous giggle. I knew the ball was in her court and I prayed that we would be the ones she chose to raise the baby she was carrying.
When we got there, if you looked really close, you could see she was starting to show. As much as I tried to be polite, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her belly, the home of a tiny baby that just might make its home in my arms in a few months. We asked each other questions, surface talk really. Then she pulled out the sonogram picture. Oh....if she had known what that picture was doing to my insides. Contrary to what my husband (and my brain) told me, I fell in love with that baby on the spot. My arms immediately ached to hold this tiny bundle. Now what would I do? She could easily send us away without a second thought...and my heart had just been stolen by a picture of a barely human-looking creature.
As left the apartment, she said one phrase that would change my life forever. "I think you guys are the parents I want to raise my baby." At the moment I knew that whatever her choice would end up being, my life would never be the same. It would either be filled with unending joy (and exhaustion) or it would be filled with the heartache of one more loss. One single moment, one single phrase, one singe picture, and life was different.
The months following were filled with drs appts, text messages, a few phone calls. Always trying (and failing) not to get too close, not to fall too much in love. In July we had a second sonogram that told us the baby was a boy. I fell in love even more, knowing that Scott and the girls wanted the baby to be a boy. But I knew that if this woman changed her mind now, it would break not only my heart, but the hearts of everyone in my family.
I know I had that "expectant mother glow", and as excited as people were for us, I was warned on numerous occasions not to get my hopes up too high. I knew my heart had to keep hoping. Hope was the only thing that had gotten me to this point. So many times, while we were trying to have our own baby, I was so close to losing my hope. But I just felt in my heart that this baby boy was gonna be mine. So I defended my position to decorate the nursery, buy cute baby boy outfits, and plan the future of my little boy. My family told me they just couldn't bear to see me get my heart broken one more time. They said to be careful and not put my heart into it yet....but little did they know that my heart was in it from the first day. My heart would be broken whether I decorated a nursery or not.
As July turned to August, we knew the time was getting closer. I received texts almost everyday about braxton hicks contractions that kept feeling a little more like the real thing. We knew everyday brought us closer to the day of Johns arrival, and some days it about killed me to have to wait one more day. But after almost 9 years of waiting, 6 weeks wasn't much at all, I tried to remind myself. :)
And now, it's 6 weeks from a day that I thought would take forever to get here. I mean, the 4 month wait for John to be born seemed to take forever...so I just knew that a whole year would take even longer to get here. But in what seemed to be a shorter time span than the wait for him, it's almost time to celebrate one year from the day John William was born; another moment that changed our lives forever (but I'll leave that story for another post).
Every moment of our lives is something that can change our lives, for better or worse. And every change in our lives happens in a moment (a year really only takes a moment).
I remember when I first got the phone call that told us to call a woman who wanted to give her baby up for adoption to a nice Christian couple. I remember a few weeks later driving to Garden City to meet her in person. Hoping with all my heart that this could be the woman carrying my precious gift from God, that I had waited years to get. I remember being so nervous and wanting to make a good impression. My heart was pounding, my hands were sweaty, and Scott told me I was doing my nervous giggle. I knew the ball was in her court and I prayed that we would be the ones she chose to raise the baby she was carrying.
When we got there, if you looked really close, you could see she was starting to show. As much as I tried to be polite, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her belly, the home of a tiny baby that just might make its home in my arms in a few months. We asked each other questions, surface talk really. Then she pulled out the sonogram picture. Oh....if she had known what that picture was doing to my insides. Contrary to what my husband (and my brain) told me, I fell in love with that baby on the spot. My arms immediately ached to hold this tiny bundle. Now what would I do? She could easily send us away without a second thought...and my heart had just been stolen by a picture of a barely human-looking creature.
As left the apartment, she said one phrase that would change my life forever. "I think you guys are the parents I want to raise my baby." At the moment I knew that whatever her choice would end up being, my life would never be the same. It would either be filled with unending joy (and exhaustion) or it would be filled with the heartache of one more loss. One single moment, one single phrase, one singe picture, and life was different.
The months following were filled with drs appts, text messages, a few phone calls. Always trying (and failing) not to get too close, not to fall too much in love. In July we had a second sonogram that told us the baby was a boy. I fell in love even more, knowing that Scott and the girls wanted the baby to be a boy. But I knew that if this woman changed her mind now, it would break not only my heart, but the hearts of everyone in my family.
I know I had that "expectant mother glow", and as excited as people were for us, I was warned on numerous occasions not to get my hopes up too high. I knew my heart had to keep hoping. Hope was the only thing that had gotten me to this point. So many times, while we were trying to have our own baby, I was so close to losing my hope. But I just felt in my heart that this baby boy was gonna be mine. So I defended my position to decorate the nursery, buy cute baby boy outfits, and plan the future of my little boy. My family told me they just couldn't bear to see me get my heart broken one more time. They said to be careful and not put my heart into it yet....but little did they know that my heart was in it from the first day. My heart would be broken whether I decorated a nursery or not.
As July turned to August, we knew the time was getting closer. I received texts almost everyday about braxton hicks contractions that kept feeling a little more like the real thing. We knew everyday brought us closer to the day of Johns arrival, and some days it about killed me to have to wait one more day. But after almost 9 years of waiting, 6 weeks wasn't much at all, I tried to remind myself. :)
And now, it's 6 weeks from a day that I thought would take forever to get here. I mean, the 4 month wait for John to be born seemed to take forever...so I just knew that a whole year would take even longer to get here. But in what seemed to be a shorter time span than the wait for him, it's almost time to celebrate one year from the day John William was born; another moment that changed our lives forever (but I'll leave that story for another post).
Every moment of our lives is something that can change our lives, for better or worse. And every change in our lives happens in a moment (a year really only takes a moment).
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Learning to be Content
Last night went much better than the night before. I'm not sure if it was the tylenol/motrin and the benadryl we gave John every so many hours or if he just was so exhausted. I'll be honest my husband broke down yesterday evening and called his parents to come stay with John for a few hours so we could get some rest. It was a big deal for me to have my in-laws over at my house when it was a total disaster area. I had to let my pride go...no I had to kick my pride out of the house.
But it was a good evening. They took John for a drive to try and relax him, and we got some rest in. I didn't sleep, but I took the time to have a movie/snack date with Lizzy in the back bedroom (on an air mattress). She gets so neglected in these sleepless/busy with John times. That's why I felt it was necessary to spend some one-on-one time with her instead of sleeping.
It didn't go over very well with my husband. He was certain that all I needed was sleep, which is a good thing too, but as a mom I just can't sleep well if I know one of my children is feeling neglected. But it worked out, cause Scott took a bit of a nap and then was able to take some of the early night shift while I got to sleep for a bit. It's all good!
I know I'll miss John being this age when he's older, but I gotta be honest that I won't miss the nights of little or no sleep. I do try on a daily basis to enjoy the good things. It's like that country song "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins. When you're in the moment you tend to see the bad things of the situation you're in now and you want to get on to the next thing in life. Each time we go from situation to situation, we look back and miss what we had, see the bad in where we are, and want to go on to the next thing....and the cycle just continues. That's why God wants us to be content where we are. Even if things aren't the best, there are always good things going on at the moment.
Another song that comes to mind is "It Won't Be Like This For Long" by Darius Rucker. Maybe that one fits even better than the other song. But I guess the lesson here would be the same in that we need to be content where God has us now. The Bible even talks about being content in whatever circumstance.
Philippians 4:11-12
Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.
I will work on being content even when I have a screaming, won't go to sleep baby.
But it was a good evening. They took John for a drive to try and relax him, and we got some rest in. I didn't sleep, but I took the time to have a movie/snack date with Lizzy in the back bedroom (on an air mattress). She gets so neglected in these sleepless/busy with John times. That's why I felt it was necessary to spend some one-on-one time with her instead of sleeping.
It didn't go over very well with my husband. He was certain that all I needed was sleep, which is a good thing too, but as a mom I just can't sleep well if I know one of my children is feeling neglected. But it worked out, cause Scott took a bit of a nap and then was able to take some of the early night shift while I got to sleep for a bit. It's all good!
I know I'll miss John being this age when he's older, but I gotta be honest that I won't miss the nights of little or no sleep. I do try on a daily basis to enjoy the good things. It's like that country song "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins. When you're in the moment you tend to see the bad things of the situation you're in now and you want to get on to the next thing in life. Each time we go from situation to situation, we look back and miss what we had, see the bad in where we are, and want to go on to the next thing....and the cycle just continues. That's why God wants us to be content where we are. Even if things aren't the best, there are always good things going on at the moment.
Another song that comes to mind is "It Won't Be Like This For Long" by Darius Rucker. Maybe that one fits even better than the other song. But I guess the lesson here would be the same in that we need to be content where God has us now. The Bible even talks about being content in whatever circumstance.
Philippians 4:11-12
Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.
I will work on being content even when I have a screaming, won't go to sleep baby.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Temporary (we hope) Insanity
So I just had a pretty good breakdown in my own home. I had my baby boy sleeping (finally...after a night of very very little sleep) and the girl I'm babysitting for (who is 2) started throwing a fit and screaming, which woke up my finally sleeping baby. If you have ever been in the situation you know that it's very frustrating to finally get a child sleeping just to have him/her woke up and then not go back to sleep once again. So I did what any rational, clear-thinking, sleep-deprived, "had-it-up-to-here" mom would do. I lost it! As in, I took the dog dish (with food and water in it) and threw it all over the floor. I happened to have a container of frosted mini wheats on the counter....which ended up on the floor. All while I was "calmly" telling my children that I wanted to trash the house as much as possible. I was able to stop myself just short of tipping the dvd shelves over onto the living room floor. Ok, not my best moment and actually a first for me in my journey of mommy-hood. I used to have a pretty good temper, and I've honestly done very well in keeping this temper in check, for quite a few years. Until now......
There were multiple facctors leading up to this embarrasing moment, but I think the biggest would be the lack of sleep that my husband and I have been getting. I don't think many parents can say that they get less sleep when their child is 10 months old than they did when their child was a newborn. We question what we are doing wrong, what did we do to deserve a child who won't sleep, what is wrong with him, does he have an illness we aren't aware of? We've been to the dr multiple times, we started going to the chiropractor, we've tried medicines, all the tips and tricks told to us by veteran parents; and nothing seems to help.
Here's how bad our nights can be at times (such as last night): We try to get John to sleep at night by 8:30 or so. But on nights like these, he fights sleep to the death. He finally "passes out" about 11:00-11:30 and then he will only sleep for 20-30 min increments. When he wakes up, it's a fight to get him back to sleep and when we finally do, it's only another 20-30 minutes before we know we will be doing it all over again. And some nights, like last night, he will pick a time like 4:30 in the morning to decide to be awake for good. It gets tough. These rough nights that go like this usually include John not wanting a bottle, and then crying as if in pain. We just don't know what to do for him. We try rocking him, cuddling him, bringing him outside in the cool air, teething meds, pain meds...and just about everything else people have suggested. We've tried in our bed, in his playpen, in his crib, in a cradle, in his carseat, on the couch, on the floor, in the recliner, we've even tried driving him around in the car and none of them really work. We've tried dressing him in warm jammie's, cooler jammies, no jammies, blanket, sheet, no blanket, fan, no fan, lights, no lights....and nothing seems to help.
I have always wanted to be a mommy, and becoming a mommy was a long, hard journey that didn't go in any way like I dreamed and planned it. But being a mommy hasn't gone the way I imagined it either. I never imagined that I would start with teenage girls, one of whom seems to disappear off the face of the planet most of the time now that she's moved out. Or that my daughters would come with so much baggage that we struggle on a daily basis with emotions and things that trigger unpleasant moods. I really never planned on having a baby boy that would struggle in the way of sleep; who can be the happiest baby one moment and screaming the next.
I am blessed....I know that I'm blessed. It's just that some days I have to remind myself how blessed I truly am. I wonder sometimes if I'm the only mom out there that just has those days when nothing seems to go right; those days that life kicks your butt and then knocks you on it. But my kids can't be that abnormal that I would be the only one. There's gotta be moms out there having the same kind of day that I am. A day when all your brain can think to do is pour the dog food and cereal on the floor.
Hold on, fellow Mommy's! Motherhood is a rough road. It's the toughest job out there. But God has called us to do this tough job. He wouldn't have asked us to do it if He thought we couldn't. This is when we gotta rely solely on Him. Only He can help us raise our children (and keep us from going insane...most days).
Now that I've vented and calmed down, I think I will go thank my 15 year old, who recognized that I had just had a very intimate dance with temporary insanity, tried to vocally calm me down with soothing words, then when that didn't work she calmly pulled out the vacuum and cleaned up the mess, and then took the two kids to the back bedroom while I had a chance to cool down. Just pray with me that God can use a mess like me to still be an example to my children who watch me come close to insanity everyday.
There were multiple facctors leading up to this embarrasing moment, but I think the biggest would be the lack of sleep that my husband and I have been getting. I don't think many parents can say that they get less sleep when their child is 10 months old than they did when their child was a newborn. We question what we are doing wrong, what did we do to deserve a child who won't sleep, what is wrong with him, does he have an illness we aren't aware of? We've been to the dr multiple times, we started going to the chiropractor, we've tried medicines, all the tips and tricks told to us by veteran parents; and nothing seems to help.
Here's how bad our nights can be at times (such as last night): We try to get John to sleep at night by 8:30 or so. But on nights like these, he fights sleep to the death. He finally "passes out" about 11:00-11:30 and then he will only sleep for 20-30 min increments. When he wakes up, it's a fight to get him back to sleep and when we finally do, it's only another 20-30 minutes before we know we will be doing it all over again. And some nights, like last night, he will pick a time like 4:30 in the morning to decide to be awake for good. It gets tough. These rough nights that go like this usually include John not wanting a bottle, and then crying as if in pain. We just don't know what to do for him. We try rocking him, cuddling him, bringing him outside in the cool air, teething meds, pain meds...and just about everything else people have suggested. We've tried in our bed, in his playpen, in his crib, in a cradle, in his carseat, on the couch, on the floor, in the recliner, we've even tried driving him around in the car and none of them really work. We've tried dressing him in warm jammie's, cooler jammies, no jammies, blanket, sheet, no blanket, fan, no fan, lights, no lights....and nothing seems to help.
I have always wanted to be a mommy, and becoming a mommy was a long, hard journey that didn't go in any way like I dreamed and planned it. But being a mommy hasn't gone the way I imagined it either. I never imagined that I would start with teenage girls, one of whom seems to disappear off the face of the planet most of the time now that she's moved out. Or that my daughters would come with so much baggage that we struggle on a daily basis with emotions and things that trigger unpleasant moods. I really never planned on having a baby boy that would struggle in the way of sleep; who can be the happiest baby one moment and screaming the next.
I am blessed....I know that I'm blessed. It's just that some days I have to remind myself how blessed I truly am. I wonder sometimes if I'm the only mom out there that just has those days when nothing seems to go right; those days that life kicks your butt and then knocks you on it. But my kids can't be that abnormal that I would be the only one. There's gotta be moms out there having the same kind of day that I am. A day when all your brain can think to do is pour the dog food and cereal on the floor.
Hold on, fellow Mommy's! Motherhood is a rough road. It's the toughest job out there. But God has called us to do this tough job. He wouldn't have asked us to do it if He thought we couldn't. This is when we gotta rely solely on Him. Only He can help us raise our children (and keep us from going insane...most days).
Now that I've vented and calmed down, I think I will go thank my 15 year old, who recognized that I had just had a very intimate dance with temporary insanity, tried to vocally calm me down with soothing words, then when that didn't work she calmly pulled out the vacuum and cleaned up the mess, and then took the two kids to the back bedroom while I had a chance to cool down. Just pray with me that God can use a mess like me to still be an example to my children who watch me come close to insanity everyday.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Busy, busy time
So I finally updated my profile picture and some of my information on my profile. I can't believe that the picture I had was still from 2009 and I had on there that Scott and I had been married for only 6 years. That means I was almost 4 years behind on some information on my profile. Crazy how fast time goes and how quickly things change in life.
We got back from our vacation and are now preparing to leave again on Friday for one more trip. My niece is graduating from high school and we just can't miss that. But I am ready to be home for awhile.
In two weeks I also have a concert in Garden City. It's my annual Stevens Park concert and I love doing it. I've been doing these concerts for like 15 years now. Wait...am I really old enough to have been doing something like this for that long? I'm getting old!!!! :)
After the next trip and before my concert we will move Martie out of the house. I can't believe that she's actually old enough to be moving out of the house and will be starting her life as an adult very soon. How time flies.
After all of that going on, things finally settle down as far as traveling, singing, and moving. Then I get to move on to the fun of fixing up the house. We will be moving some rooms around and doing some painting. I love doing this kind of stuff to our house. It's like getting a new house...or the closest thing to it for the moment.
I hope to have a bit more time to blog and keep things updated once things slow down. But then again, we have an 8 month old crawling all over our house, so I don't know that things will really "slow down". But one can only hope.
We got back from our vacation and are now preparing to leave again on Friday for one more trip. My niece is graduating from high school and we just can't miss that. But I am ready to be home for awhile.
In two weeks I also have a concert in Garden City. It's my annual Stevens Park concert and I love doing it. I've been doing these concerts for like 15 years now. Wait...am I really old enough to have been doing something like this for that long? I'm getting old!!!! :)
After the next trip and before my concert we will move Martie out of the house. I can't believe that she's actually old enough to be moving out of the house and will be starting her life as an adult very soon. How time flies.
After all of that going on, things finally settle down as far as traveling, singing, and moving. Then I get to move on to the fun of fixing up the house. We will be moving some rooms around and doing some painting. I love doing this kind of stuff to our house. It's like getting a new house...or the closest thing to it for the moment.
I hope to have a bit more time to blog and keep things updated once things slow down. But then again, we have an 8 month old crawling all over our house, so I don't know that things will really "slow down". But one can only hope.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Vacation
We've had such a good time on our vacation. It was a good choice to come to Michigan to see my husbands brother and wife. They are so good to us while we are here. They drive us around to what we want to see and they don't complain that we take up all their time. It's also been very refreshing as we haven't stayed busy the whole time. We have had plenty of downtime and relaxing.
We went to the mall yesterday and just had a good time. Today we went to Shipshewana, Indiana, which is Amish country. We saw amish stores, people, horses and buggies, and so much more. We went on a buggy ride, went to some farms that have stores that sell their products...the popcorn farm, the cheese factory, and a honey farm. We went there a few years ago when we were up here on a vacation and it was great to have Lizzy experience it.
Tomorrow we plan to go to the zoo and to a place called Craigs Cruisers (it's like a family fun place with lots to do). It will be nice after today to have a day close to their home and not as crazy and rushed as today was.
It's also been really neat to experience Johns first vacation ever. I know he won't remember any of it, but we have plenty of pictures we will share with him. He has been such a good baby this whole time (even on the planes and in the airports).
I love our yearly vacation time. I've always loved to travel, to experience new places, new food, and see new sights. I don't think I will ever stop enjoying this. I want Scott and I to be the retired couple that just travels all over the country having a good old time!
We went to the mall yesterday and just had a good time. Today we went to Shipshewana, Indiana, which is Amish country. We saw amish stores, people, horses and buggies, and so much more. We went on a buggy ride, went to some farms that have stores that sell their products...the popcorn farm, the cheese factory, and a honey farm. We went there a few years ago when we were up here on a vacation and it was great to have Lizzy experience it.
Tomorrow we plan to go to the zoo and to a place called Craigs Cruisers (it's like a family fun place with lots to do). It will be nice after today to have a day close to their home and not as crazy and rushed as today was.
It's also been really neat to experience Johns first vacation ever. I know he won't remember any of it, but we have plenty of pictures we will share with him. He has been such a good baby this whole time (even on the planes and in the airports).
I love our yearly vacation time. I've always loved to travel, to experience new places, new food, and see new sights. I don't think I will ever stop enjoying this. I want Scott and I to be the retired couple that just travels all over the country having a good old time!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Endings and beginnings
This weekend Scott and I, once again, embark on a new journey in life. We are about to learn what it means to be parents to a child that no longer goes to school, a child that has her own ideas about life; and in just a short couple weeks, a child who doesn't live at home. This is a tougher role to take on than I thought it would be. I find myself being a bit of a control freak and I worry constantly (already)about the decisions that she will make. I guess we just hope we did most of the right things and that she knows how to be a productive adult in society.
One of my biggest worries is that she will get out there (oh, and she is living with her birth dad when she moves out) and she'll decide never to see us again. I don't know if this feeling is normal, but it would kill me if she decided to make my worst fears a reality. There's more to this story than I can share on here that makes my fears a bit more legitimate, but I can't go into it on here.
Of course on the other hand we will be starting a journey with our middle daughter that we do understand...and that would be high school. We know whats involved in that. Lets see how this next 4 years goes with our 2nd child. I hope it's a bit less stressful than the last 4 years.
And then there's John and his whole life has been a new journey for us. So I guess we have learned that new journeys can be fun and exciting even in the midst of the uncertainty. So I can see how our newest journey might be a bit exciting and maybe even a bit fun. Fun in the way of seeing our oldest child make something of herself in the world. To follow her dreams and make them come true.
So here's to embarking on our new adventures in life.
One of my biggest worries is that she will get out there (oh, and she is living with her birth dad when she moves out) and she'll decide never to see us again. I don't know if this feeling is normal, but it would kill me if she decided to make my worst fears a reality. There's more to this story than I can share on here that makes my fears a bit more legitimate, but I can't go into it on here.
Of course on the other hand we will be starting a journey with our middle daughter that we do understand...and that would be high school. We know whats involved in that. Lets see how this next 4 years goes with our 2nd child. I hope it's a bit less stressful than the last 4 years.
And then there's John and his whole life has been a new journey for us. So I guess we have learned that new journeys can be fun and exciting even in the midst of the uncertainty. So I can see how our newest journey might be a bit exciting and maybe even a bit fun. Fun in the way of seeing our oldest child make something of herself in the world. To follow her dreams and make them come true.
So here's to embarking on our new adventures in life.
Friday, May 10, 2013
New ministry and a busy life
So I've added a ministry to my life in the past couple months besides my singing. The one thing I've always disliked doing and felt that I wasn't any good at.....I've become a speaker! I went to my 3rd women's encounter at the end of April (my 2nd that I've spoken at) and it was even more of a blessing than the other one I spoke at. I added a teaching as well as doing my testimony. I could really feel God moving through the place as I watched the Holy Spirit speaking to the ladies at the encounter. What an awesome weekend full of healing and freedom.
I plan to go back to my next encounter in July and I can't wait. And not only is God using me at these encounters as a server and a speaker, but I am actually speaking at my church this Sunday for mothers day. I love how God is taking me outside my comfort zone and then using me in ways that even I never thought. I still plan to sing, but I also plan to keep the speaking up. I guess the saying is true, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." Totally true!!!
It's been very busy in our family besides singing and speaking. We are getting ready for graduation and family vacation...all coming up within 2 weeks. Martie is graduating from high school and Lizzy is graduating from 8th grade. We are planning the party and trying to figure out graduation gifts for the girls as well as the others we've gotten announcements from. It's crazy busy, but good.
I'm excited for our vacation, too. It will be the first time on a plane for all our kids. Martie and Lizzy are scared about it, but it will be fun. We are going to Michigan to visit Scott's brother and his wife. They have not met Lizzy or John yet. We were there in 2010, so it's been a few years since we've seen them. Last time we went on a train, so it will be fun experiencing going on a plane.
Our baby is now almost 8 months old. Can you believe it!? He is crawling all over (army crawling), saying a few words (dada, ba, and I swear yesterday he tried to say dog but it came out "doook"). He is wearing pretty much only 12 month clothes, so he's a big boy. He's almost 20 pounds and he's probably about 29 inches long. He tries to pull himself up to furniture and he's almost there, he just needs a little help to get up. It's been amazing to watch him grow and learn things. He is so smiley and he loves kisses. He will "ask" for a kiss by opening his mouth, grabbing my cheeks or hair and kissing me right on the mouth. But I love every slobbery kiss he ever gives.
So it's been a very good year for us so far. Time just keeps going by so fast, so we try to cherish every moment of it. What a blessing God gives our family each day as we celebrate life together.
I plan to go back to my next encounter in July and I can't wait. And not only is God using me at these encounters as a server and a speaker, but I am actually speaking at my church this Sunday for mothers day. I love how God is taking me outside my comfort zone and then using me in ways that even I never thought. I still plan to sing, but I also plan to keep the speaking up. I guess the saying is true, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." Totally true!!!
It's been very busy in our family besides singing and speaking. We are getting ready for graduation and family vacation...all coming up within 2 weeks. Martie is graduating from high school and Lizzy is graduating from 8th grade. We are planning the party and trying to figure out graduation gifts for the girls as well as the others we've gotten announcements from. It's crazy busy, but good.
I'm excited for our vacation, too. It will be the first time on a plane for all our kids. Martie and Lizzy are scared about it, but it will be fun. We are going to Michigan to visit Scott's brother and his wife. They have not met Lizzy or John yet. We were there in 2010, so it's been a few years since we've seen them. Last time we went on a train, so it will be fun experiencing going on a plane.
Our baby is now almost 8 months old. Can you believe it!? He is crawling all over (army crawling), saying a few words (dada, ba, and I swear yesterday he tried to say dog but it came out "doook"). He is wearing pretty much only 12 month clothes, so he's a big boy. He's almost 20 pounds and he's probably about 29 inches long. He tries to pull himself up to furniture and he's almost there, he just needs a little help to get up. It's been amazing to watch him grow and learn things. He is so smiley and he loves kisses. He will "ask" for a kiss by opening his mouth, grabbing my cheeks or hair and kissing me right on the mouth. But I love every slobbery kiss he ever gives.
So it's been a very good year for us so far. Time just keeps going by so fast, so we try to cherish every moment of it. What a blessing God gives our family each day as we celebrate life together.
Monday, January 28, 2013
ENCOUNTER!
My daughter, Martaysha and I, went to a women's encounter this weekend. I had been once before so I went as a server and she went as an attendee. This was the best thing we could have done together.
Our relationship was always a little strained. We managed to get along but we have never been really close. That has all changed! We bonded and healed this weekend
I'll share my part of the story and then share hers. Like I said I was a server. Kind of like a camp counselor. We are there to do what we neeed to for the ladies in our room. Along with serving, I shared my testimony of infertility and adoption. The whole weekend brought me out of my comfort zone and stretched me in many ways.
I was able to boldly pray out loud, in front of strangers. I spoke (not sang) in front of the whole group. God showed me that my shyness was there because of fear and lack of confidence and "God-esteem". I don't need to be afraid. God is with me always.
It was a different experience as a server. Watching the ladies pour their hearts out, lay down past hurts and baggage, and find true freedom in Christ. AMAZING AND AWESOME!!!!
Martie went reluctantly but she did go. I think she had her mind made up to get nothing out of it. Thank God He had His own plan. From the first night, God was working on her heart. As the weekend went on she layed down her baggage. Hurts from the past, unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness. I brought a new daughter home and left the old daughter there. She has a new zeal for life and for her God and Savior. He put worship in her heart. She hasn't quit worshipping him since we left the encounter.
We started doing devotions in the morning together and prayer before bed at night and it's been great. And we put on our worship cs's and sing at the top of our lungs in the house or the car/van.
It hasn't fully been a breeze. Satan started working on us from the moment we walked in our house. But we claimed in Jesus name that we will not be discouraged. We will boldly walk forward and hold on to God. We know there will be more spiritual warfare as time goes on. But we will put on the armor of God daily.
What a great testimony of what God can do in two broken lives. God has amazing things in store for us. Praise the Lord!!!!!!
Our relationship was always a little strained. We managed to get along but we have never been really close. That has all changed! We bonded and healed this weekend
I'll share my part of the story and then share hers. Like I said I was a server. Kind of like a camp counselor. We are there to do what we neeed to for the ladies in our room. Along with serving, I shared my testimony of infertility and adoption. The whole weekend brought me out of my comfort zone and stretched me in many ways.
I was able to boldly pray out loud, in front of strangers. I spoke (not sang) in front of the whole group. God showed me that my shyness was there because of fear and lack of confidence and "God-esteem". I don't need to be afraid. God is with me always.
It was a different experience as a server. Watching the ladies pour their hearts out, lay down past hurts and baggage, and find true freedom in Christ. AMAZING AND AWESOME!!!!
Martie went reluctantly but she did go. I think she had her mind made up to get nothing out of it. Thank God He had His own plan. From the first night, God was working on her heart. As the weekend went on she layed down her baggage. Hurts from the past, unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness. I brought a new daughter home and left the old daughter there. She has a new zeal for life and for her God and Savior. He put worship in her heart. She hasn't quit worshipping him since we left the encounter.
We started doing devotions in the morning together and prayer before bed at night and it's been great. And we put on our worship cs's and sing at the top of our lungs in the house or the car/van.
It hasn't fully been a breeze. Satan started working on us from the moment we walked in our house. But we claimed in Jesus name that we will not be discouraged. We will boldly walk forward and hold on to God. We know there will be more spiritual warfare as time goes on. But we will put on the armor of God daily.
What a great testimony of what God can do in two broken lives. God has amazing things in store for us. Praise the Lord!!!!!!
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