So I just had a pretty good breakdown in my own home. I had my baby boy sleeping (finally...after a night of very very little sleep) and the girl I'm babysitting for (who is 2) started throwing a fit and screaming, which woke up my finally sleeping baby. If you have ever been in the situation you know that it's very frustrating to finally get a child sleeping just to have him/her woke up and then not go back to sleep once again. So I did what any rational, clear-thinking, sleep-deprived, "had-it-up-to-here" mom would do. I lost it! As in, I took the dog dish (with food and water in it) and threw it all over the floor. I happened to have a container of frosted mini wheats on the counter....which ended up on the floor. All while I was "calmly" telling my children that I wanted to trash the house as much as possible. I was able to stop myself just short of tipping the dvd shelves over onto the living room floor. Ok, not my best moment and actually a first for me in my journey of mommy-hood. I used to have a pretty good temper, and I've honestly done very well in keeping this temper in check, for quite a few years. Until now......
There were multiple facctors leading up to this embarrasing moment, but I think the biggest would be the lack of sleep that my husband and I have been getting. I don't think many parents can say that they get less sleep when their child is 10 months old than they did when their child was a newborn. We question what we are doing wrong, what did we do to deserve a child who won't sleep, what is wrong with him, does he have an illness we aren't aware of? We've been to the dr multiple times, we started going to the chiropractor, we've tried medicines, all the tips and tricks told to us by veteran parents; and nothing seems to help.
Here's how bad our nights can be at times (such as last night): We try to get John to sleep at night by 8:30 or so. But on nights like these, he fights sleep to the death. He finally "passes out" about 11:00-11:30 and then he will only sleep for 20-30 min increments. When he wakes up, it's a fight to get him back to sleep and when we finally do, it's only another 20-30 minutes before we know we will be doing it all over again. And some nights, like last night, he will pick a time like 4:30 in the morning to decide to be awake for good. It gets tough. These rough nights that go like this usually include John not wanting a bottle, and then crying as if in pain. We just don't know what to do for him. We try rocking him, cuddling him, bringing him outside in the cool air, teething meds, pain meds...and just about everything else people have suggested. We've tried in our bed, in his playpen, in his crib, in a cradle, in his carseat, on the couch, on the floor, in the recliner, we've even tried driving him around in the car and none of them really work. We've tried dressing him in warm jammie's, cooler jammies, no jammies, blanket, sheet, no blanket, fan, no fan, lights, no lights....and nothing seems to help.
I have always wanted to be a mommy, and becoming a mommy was a long, hard journey that didn't go in any way like I dreamed and planned it. But being a mommy hasn't gone the way I imagined it either. I never imagined that I would start with teenage girls, one of whom seems to disappear off the face of the planet most of the time now that she's moved out. Or that my daughters would come with so much baggage that we struggle on a daily basis with emotions and things that trigger unpleasant moods. I really never planned on having a baby boy that would struggle in the way of sleep; who can be the happiest baby one moment and screaming the next.
I am blessed....I know that I'm blessed. It's just that some days I have to remind myself how blessed I truly am. I wonder sometimes if I'm the only mom out there that just has those days when nothing seems to go right; those days that life kicks your butt and then knocks you on it. But my kids can't be that abnormal that I would be the only one. There's gotta be moms out there having the same kind of day that I am. A day when all your brain can think to do is pour the dog food and cereal on the floor.
Hold on, fellow Mommy's! Motherhood is a rough road. It's the toughest job out there. But God has called us to do this tough job. He wouldn't have asked us to do it if He thought we couldn't. This is when we gotta rely solely on Him. Only He can help us raise our children (and keep us from going insane...most days).
Now that I've vented and calmed down, I think I will go thank my 15 year old, who recognized that I had just had a very intimate dance with temporary insanity, tried to vocally calm me down with soothing words, then when that didn't work she calmly pulled out the vacuum and cleaned up the mess, and then took the two kids to the back bedroom while I had a chance to cool down. Just pray with me that God can use a mess like me to still be an example to my children who watch me come close to insanity everyday.
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