Exactly one year ago, we were sitting on the edge of our seats wondering when a baby boy would make his appearance. We were also sitting on the edge of our seats because we didn't know if the baby boy would really be our baby boy. It was a time of great stress for our family (immediate and extended) as we waited. We knew we had to plan some things, but yet had to be ready for the news that our sons birth mother might not choose to give him to us. That we might need to un-decorate a nursery, sell baby items, and grieve yet another loss.
I remember when I first got the phone call that told us to call a woman who wanted to give her baby up for adoption to a nice Christian couple. I remember a few weeks later driving to Garden City to meet her in person. Hoping with all my heart that this could be the woman carrying my precious gift from God, that I had waited years to get. I remember being so nervous and wanting to make a good impression. My heart was pounding, my hands were sweaty, and Scott told me I was doing my nervous giggle. I knew the ball was in her court and I prayed that we would be the ones she chose to raise the baby she was carrying.
When we got there, if you looked really close, you could see she was starting to show. As much as I tried to be polite, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her belly, the home of a tiny baby that just might make its home in my arms in a few months. We asked each other questions, surface talk really. Then she pulled out the sonogram picture. Oh....if she had known what that picture was doing to my insides. Contrary to what my husband (and my brain) told me, I fell in love with that baby on the spot. My arms immediately ached to hold this tiny bundle. Now what would I do? She could easily send us away without a second thought...and my heart had just been stolen by a picture of a barely human-looking creature.
As left the apartment, she said one phrase that would change my life forever. "I think you guys are the parents I want to raise my baby." At the moment I knew that whatever her choice would end up being, my life would never be the same. It would either be filled with unending joy (and exhaustion) or it would be filled with the heartache of one more loss. One single moment, one single phrase, one singe picture, and life was different.
The months following were filled with drs appts, text messages, a few phone calls. Always trying (and failing) not to get too close, not to fall too much in love. In July we had a second sonogram that told us the baby was a boy. I fell in love even more, knowing that Scott and the girls wanted the baby to be a boy. But I knew that if this woman changed her mind now, it would break not only my heart, but the hearts of everyone in my family.
I know I had that "expectant mother glow", and as excited as people were for us, I was warned on numerous occasions not to get my hopes up too high. I knew my heart had to keep hoping. Hope was the only thing that had gotten me to this point. So many times, while we were trying to have our own baby, I was so close to losing my hope. But I just felt in my heart that this baby boy was gonna be mine. So I defended my position to decorate the nursery, buy cute baby boy outfits, and plan the future of my little boy. My family told me they just couldn't bear to see me get my heart broken one more time. They said to be careful and not put my heart into it yet....but little did they know that my heart was in it from the first day. My heart would be broken whether I decorated a nursery or not.
As July turned to August, we knew the time was getting closer. I received texts almost everyday about braxton hicks contractions that kept feeling a little more like the real thing. We knew everyday brought us closer to the day of Johns arrival, and some days it about killed me to have to wait one more day. But after almost 9 years of waiting, 6 weeks wasn't much at all, I tried to remind myself. :)
And now, it's 6 weeks from a day that I thought would take forever to get here. I mean, the 4 month wait for John to be born seemed to take forever...so I just knew that a whole year would take even longer to get here. But in what seemed to be a shorter time span than the wait for him, it's almost time to celebrate one year from the day John William was born; another moment that changed our lives forever (but I'll leave that story for another post).
Every moment of our lives is something that can change our lives, for better or worse. And every change in our lives happens in a moment (a year really only takes a moment).
No comments:
Post a Comment