Taking it day by day

Lately I never know if it will be a good or bad day until I wake up...or even halfway through the day. Some days Scott has such a good day we forget for just a moment that he has a terrible disease attacking his body. But days like today remind me that we have quite a road ahead of us.

Scott gets fevers, he continues to lose weight, he looks so pale and today his face even looks a bit sunken in. He gets pain in his body that makes it hard to function and do everyday tasks. Yesterday he had one of his tired and feeling weak days. He went to open an envelope with a card in it and barely got it opened or the card out.

It kills me to watch daily as he goes further downhill, or watch a new symptom show up. I try very hard to be strong for him, but it takes all I have to keep going, or more accurately, it's God keeping me going.

I have started praying daily that the cancer has not spread elsewhere, but I remind myself that with all the signs I see there is a very real possibility that his cancer has spread.

This is the toughest road we've been down so far, but it has helped so much to have family that lets me get angry and vent to them. They are so patient with me and I love them dearly for helping me be strong.

My sister-in-law also decided to order bracelets for our family to wear and to sell as a fundraiser. This means so much to me as I watch people requesting a bracelet to support Scott. This has given me strength as well.

I know that this road will be a long tough journey, and I have no idea what the outcome truly will be, so I'll keep moving on and being strong. With God I can do this.

Vow Renewal

Today was such a special day for us. I surprised Scott this morning at church. The pastor helped me as did our children. I've been planning it for about 5 weeks and couldn't hardly wait for it to get here. Since we will be celebrating our 10th anniversary next month, we renewed our vows this morning in front of our church, friends and family. It was a surprise to Scott.

There were so many tears this morning by not only Scott and myself, but just about everyone in the congregation. But renewing our vows had so much more meaning than it did the first time we said them to each other. We've learned what it means to actually live out our vows. It was so important to me for us to do it, especially finding out about Scotts cancer this past week. I want him to know that I'm there by his side through this next trial in our lives.

I really don't know what else to say, so I'll just post a picture from this morning.

A New Day

Well, it's real. Wednesday was not a dream and the journey is upon us. The shock has officially worn off and that was realized last night when Scott had to work late. This is not uncommon for him during this season because of harvest, but I still did not take it well. I called Scott and said some not nice things. I think I remember saying to him something like: "All the other guys at work can shove it up their butts. I don't care if one of them had a grandma die....I want you home and they can do your work for you."

I'm a bit ashamed that I had an outburst like this...and where the comments about the grandma thing came from, I'm not sure. If someone's grandma were to pass away, I would really not be that heartless. I do care about others.

But my actions and words were explained a little bit when Scott finally came home and went to me to see how I was doing. I turned around buried my face in his chest and cried "I can't do this." I guess we'll have to take turns being strong and it was Scott's turn last night.

This morning I felt a bit renewed and somewhat refreshed (still didn't get enough sleep) and I was ready for battle again. I made a facebook page for prayers and encouragement to Scott and the rest of us. I know that the more prayers we have, the better it will be...no matter what the outcome is.

I may have to use this blog to vent some when I don't want to be negative in front of Scott, but need to get out my fears and frustrations. I don't know how many people I know really read this, but if you are reading this and praying for my husband and our family, thank you from the bottom of my heart. The prayers are what is holding us together at this point. Thank you.

I'm in shock...

I sit here as my shock is starting to wear off. How do I react to the news we got today? My husband has lung cancer. Melanoma to be exact....leftovers from his eye cancer. I want to be strong, but I don't feel strong. All the what-ifs go through my mind and I wonder what the future holds. How long will this battle be? Will it be over quickly or go on and on and on? I can do this...with God by my side I CAN do it. But I'm speechless...I can't think. Today feels like it was just a bad dream that might be over soon...but it's not a dream. Its real and I just want it to go away. Just keep us in your prayers as we start the process of surgeries and possibly radiation. Lord, be by our side through our trial.

My Gut

I'm known in my family for getting "gut feelings" as we call them, and about 90% of the time my gut is right. I do this a lot with my kiddos, but it's happened in other areas as well. A funny example would be the times I've "baby whispered" family and friends. I'm under strict orders not to "baby whisper my sister-in-law in Topeka anymore....for now anyway.

But sometimes my gut lets me in on things that I don't like. The year my husband was diagnosed with his eye cancer my gut kept telling me to "prepare". I didn't know what, but I found out within a couple months why this message was so important as I heard my husband say the words "I have cancer".

I also knew in my gut that my timeline for trying for a baby would end when I was 30 and sure enough I turned 30 just a few months before my hysterectomy.

I have not always been right on everything...but enough to be scary. Thats why I'm a little scared about whats going on now. My husband has to have a biopsy done on a spot found in his lung. As much as I've tried to pray "God please don't let this be cancer" I've found that the words are blocked each time I try and pray them. Instead the words that come out are "please help us through this time. Give me strength to endure." I've talked to people who normally would tell me not to think negative thoughts of cancer and what that future might hold and they have talked me through how to prepare for the worst.

I do not want the worst to happen, but I do feel a strange peace, a comfort that no matter what the outcome, I will be fine. I will endure and I will do it with the joy of the Lord.

I do hope this time my gut is wrong. But if for some reason it is not, you will see this woman pick herself up off the floor after the shock wears off and she will keep fighting the battle.

ps....I just want to say that I know we refer to MY gut, but I do believe that these gut feelings are God speaking to me...I take no credit.