I haven't posted on here since July. That was back when Scott's meds first quit working. I remember being devastated and crying like crazy. The future was so unknown and we just didn't know where we would end up or how long we might truly have with Scott.
We tried 4 treatments of Yervoy and they did not work. That whole time my husbands tumors continued to grow and every couple weeks we were increasing his pain meds and still could just barely get on top of it.
At the end of October, we had someone tell us to try alkaline water. Our thoughts were "it's just water, what's it going to hurt?" So Scott's been drinking the alkaline water since then. After being on the water for a week, Scott wanted to try the first meds again. We had about a months worth of Tafinlar and Mekinist, so we thought we'd give them a try. The meds and the water together worked very quickly and most of Scott's tumors that could be felt on the outside of his body went down or disappeared. We hoped this was our miracle...it just had to be.
But I sit here tonight, needing to vent my thoughts, and knowing that this is the only place I have to post my true, deep down feelings. Things quit working once again. The people who wanted us to try the water, want us to keep going. I don't mind doing so, because the water tastes very good and it has helped in many other areas. But I just don't know if it's going to work on my husband.
We have been going to an oncologist in Denver, but in a week and a half we will be meeting a new "team" of oncologists at a cancer treatment center in Chicago. I don't know what their options will be. I know in Denver we are down to our last treatment option with a 30% chance of actually working. I don't like those chances whatsoever...so I'm willing to try water or another cancer place.
This morning Scott said something to me that just broke my heart.....and this one phrase was the one reason that I couldn't post on facebook. As Scott got ready for work, we talked about getting the paperwork done and scheduling an appointment in Chicago. Scott has been very pale and ashy lately (not a good sign) and I was asking him how he was feeling. He said "If we don't go to this treatment center and find a treatment that works, I can feel that I won't make it through next year." What does a woman say to her husband who is just about saying that he won't make it through the next year.
Deep down, we know that his chances of making it to the 5 year mark with stage IV melanoma is about 15-20%, but I don't like to think about that. A life without my husband just doesn't seem right. I'm trying to be happy about Christmas, a time that's always given me warm fuzzy's and made me feel good, but I just can't get there again this year. I just can't destroy anyone else's Christmas with my deep down feelings of sadness and depressing thoughts of a possible last Christmas with my true love, so I have kept it all to myself.
I smile when people ask "hows it going". I make jokes and laugh about as much as I can.....if only they knew that my laugh is fake, my smile is more of a mask than a real smile. It's much easier to just say "we're doing ok" than to go into the whole thing about how our world is crashing down around us once again. That the future is so scary that I can't sleep at night....I watch my husband sleep....I make sure I can see his chest rise and fall with every breath, because that means he's alive and breathing. I try not to picture in my mind, that moment when his chest will no longer rise and fall and he will have left this earth, because even imagining it, takes my breath away...it makes my heart want to stop beating for fear that my imagination has become reality.
This is the world I live in. Family and friends continue on with life....continue on with the normal world of taking each other for granted and not having to fear that any day could be the last. They can fight without fearing that they might go to sleep angry and never be able to say I'm sorry. They can plan trips, church functions, get-together's with family and friends without worrying that they will have to call it off because the day is not a good day. I envy their normalcy, I envy that they can keep moving forward in a life that does not include cancer day in and day out.
As I sit here finishing up my post I'm actually praying that God will allow me to shed one tear...just one. A tear that would tell me that I have not hardened my heart so much that I can't feel emotion. I just can't cry anymore.....I've had to be tough for so long...I truly worry that I have lost the ability to feel normal everyday emotions. But I also fear that if I start the tears, I will not be able to stop them and they will overtake me.
I do not wish cancer on anyone or their loved ones. This is not the way life is meant to be lived.
