Warning....this post is going to be hard to read and may cause you to be very emotional.
Today my dad gave my husband a word from God. It was something that my mom and I have discussed a lot lately, but there aren't many people I can discuss it with who truly listen. This has been something in my heart for awhile but have kept to myself for fear of offending anyone. But here goes, I'm going to bare my heart even more than I have so far. (and I hope I can make it through typing this)
The word my dad gave Scott was this verse. "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." Philippians 1:20. I went to the Bible and read the little bit before that verse starting in 18b and here's the whole thing: "Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death."
This is interesting that the first part talks about rejoicing....I guess I might have to start at the beginning for everyone to fully understand.
The one word that I hear God saying to me over and over has been "rejoice". I know He is telling me to rejoice no matter what life throws at us. So it's very interesting that the word rejoice is in this scripture. I have been looking up the word rejoice and I can't even begin to put into this post what I'm learning about the word rejoice, so that will be another post itself.
Back to the word my dad gave Scott. The end of the verse says "so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death". This is where it gets hard to read. Scott and I have felt for awhile now, that no matter how strong our faith is or isn't, Scott will not be healed (on earth that is). I know God is very capable of it, I have the faith that He can heal Scott in an instant. But what does the verse say....by life or by DEATH.
My dad finally understood today that there will come a time when we do say "so long for now" to Scott and that this time will be much sooner than any of us wants. It's such a fine line to walk where Scott and I are right now. We must have a hope for the future and dream about that future, all while knowing that this future probably won't happen. We also have to have the faith that God CAN heal Scott, all the while know that we just know deep down that God won't heal Scott on earth.
Because of this, Scott and I continually pray that God would use his death for Christ to be exalted. That maybe by celebrating Scott's life, others would see his faith and come to know the Lord in a new way.
I know that this post might be very hard to read...trust me when I say that it's very hard to write. Sometimes I wonder how I can even get my fingers to type my husbands name in the same sentence that I type the word death. And I can tell you that it's only by the grace of God that I can even function on a daily basis. It's only because God Himself holds me up.
Can I challenge you all to something? Will you examine your life right now today and ask yourself if you will rejoice in the hard times? Will you have courage to let Christ be exalted in your body whether by your life or your death?
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Faith....real faith
I had someone ask me today if I was having meltdowns regarding the cancer. This person said they would be concerned about me if I didn't. I was honest with them and said that I do have meltdowns (maybe too many of them at times). But then it got me thinking. I know that we have the facebook page to let people know how things are going, but I try to stay so positive when I'm posting and most people don't see my meltdowns. They don't hear the words I say when I'm venting all my feelings about Scott's cancer.
I haven't lost my faith through the cancer and I want others to see that it's possible to praise God in the storm. But in doing so, have I hidden the fact that I'm human and am capable of yelling, screaming, and yes, even cussing when the going gets tough? It doesn't mean I wallow in it. I do pick myself back up, brush off what I just did, ask forgiveness where needed, and keep walking on.
I'm not perfect, just a forgiven child of God who still has "moments". This is my faith, my everyday, human faith. I stumble, I do fall, but God never leaves me, He never lets me go. I know when trials like Scott's cancer come to us, (this goes for all Christians) people watch to see if our faith stays steady or if we fall away from our faith when the going gets tough.
I want others to see a faith that's strong, but I also don't want them to think that I'm a "praise Jesus when I stub my toe" kind of person. That's the person that puts on such a good front that they end up looking fake...and they also get on my nerves with how much they smile...makes me wanna slap a frown on their face just for 5 minutes. (ok, enough with that) I do praise God in my trials, but I also get angry at times. I can promise you, more times than not, my first response to stubbing my toe is trying not to say the word/phrase that made it to my tongue....and it's not "Praise Jesus!"
I have screamed the word "WHY" angrily at God. I have sat in our recliner sobbing and yelling, "THIS IS SO STUPID!" As hard as this is to admit, but I have family members that have heard words come out of my mouth that would shock those who don't know that well. God knows what's in my heart, so it's better to get it out and move on. Holding on to it just makes the "volcano" erupt more violently later on (emotionally speaking).
It's on my heart to write a book about our journey with Scott's cancer. I want to do this for two reasons: 1)I have only found one book about melanoma and as real as it was, I found no hope in the book and I want people to be able to read a book about melanoma and find hope 2)When I write, I can get my feelings out and not bottle them up inside. The name that my mom and I came up with for a title is, "Joy in the Mourning". I want this book to be about finding hope and joy even when your husband is told that he has terminal cancer.
I want to have joy in ALL things, but joy is not always the "happy" and "giddy" feeling we think of. Joy is a lot like love....it's a choice. It's choosing to count your blessings when all you can see is the probability of your husband dying within 2 years. It's choosing to sing praises when you want to be angry and yell at God for your situation. It's going out of the house when all you want to do is to stay at home and wallow in your emotions. It's dreaming about the future when the future is uncertain.
I guess in all my ramblings my message is really one thing. FAITH...real faith, it's the relationship you have with Christ, even through the trials. It's not about being or acting perfect so the world sees a perfect life. It's about being real, knowing this world is full of trials and tribulations, but having the hope for a wonderful future with our Lord and Savior. My life verse says this about faith in Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."
What do I see with my earthly eyes? I see a dark future of uncertainty, where my children may grow up without their daddy. I see a future of possibly being a single mother someday, of saying goodbye to the love of my life. A life where I sit by my husbands bed-side and say good bye.
But what does my faith see? It sees a future where God makes good things come of bad situations. It sees that my children will always have a daddy in God. And most of all, I see a future where all my family and friends who have accepted God's gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ, will get to spend eternity (forever and ever and ever) together in Heaven.
I haven't lost my faith through the cancer and I want others to see that it's possible to praise God in the storm. But in doing so, have I hidden the fact that I'm human and am capable of yelling, screaming, and yes, even cussing when the going gets tough? It doesn't mean I wallow in it. I do pick myself back up, brush off what I just did, ask forgiveness where needed, and keep walking on.
I'm not perfect, just a forgiven child of God who still has "moments". This is my faith, my everyday, human faith. I stumble, I do fall, but God never leaves me, He never lets me go. I know when trials like Scott's cancer come to us, (this goes for all Christians) people watch to see if our faith stays steady or if we fall away from our faith when the going gets tough.
I want others to see a faith that's strong, but I also don't want them to think that I'm a "praise Jesus when I stub my toe" kind of person. That's the person that puts on such a good front that they end up looking fake...and they also get on my nerves with how much they smile...makes me wanna slap a frown on their face just for 5 minutes. (ok, enough with that) I do praise God in my trials, but I also get angry at times. I can promise you, more times than not, my first response to stubbing my toe is trying not to say the word/phrase that made it to my tongue....and it's not "Praise Jesus!"
I have screamed the word "WHY" angrily at God. I have sat in our recliner sobbing and yelling, "THIS IS SO STUPID!" As hard as this is to admit, but I have family members that have heard words come out of my mouth that would shock those who don't know that well. God knows what's in my heart, so it's better to get it out and move on. Holding on to it just makes the "volcano" erupt more violently later on (emotionally speaking).
It's on my heart to write a book about our journey with Scott's cancer. I want to do this for two reasons: 1)I have only found one book about melanoma and as real as it was, I found no hope in the book and I want people to be able to read a book about melanoma and find hope 2)When I write, I can get my feelings out and not bottle them up inside. The name that my mom and I came up with for a title is, "Joy in the Mourning". I want this book to be about finding hope and joy even when your husband is told that he has terminal cancer.
I want to have joy in ALL things, but joy is not always the "happy" and "giddy" feeling we think of. Joy is a lot like love....it's a choice. It's choosing to count your blessings when all you can see is the probability of your husband dying within 2 years. It's choosing to sing praises when you want to be angry and yell at God for your situation. It's going out of the house when all you want to do is to stay at home and wallow in your emotions. It's dreaming about the future when the future is uncertain.
I guess in all my ramblings my message is really one thing. FAITH...real faith, it's the relationship you have with Christ, even through the trials. It's not about being or acting perfect so the world sees a perfect life. It's about being real, knowing this world is full of trials and tribulations, but having the hope for a wonderful future with our Lord and Savior. My life verse says this about faith in Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."
What do I see with my earthly eyes? I see a dark future of uncertainty, where my children may grow up without their daddy. I see a future of possibly being a single mother someday, of saying goodbye to the love of my life. A life where I sit by my husbands bed-side and say good bye.
But what does my faith see? It sees a future where God makes good things come of bad situations. It sees that my children will always have a daddy in God. And most of all, I see a future where all my family and friends who have accepted God's gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ, will get to spend eternity (forever and ever and ever) together in Heaven.
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