Faith....real faith

I had someone ask me today if I was having meltdowns regarding the cancer. This person said they would be concerned about me if I didn't. I was honest with them and said that I do have meltdowns (maybe too many of them at times). But then it got me thinking. I know that we have the facebook page to let people know how things are going, but I try to stay so positive when I'm posting and most people don't see my meltdowns. They don't hear the words I say when I'm venting all my feelings about Scott's cancer.

I haven't lost my faith through the cancer and I want others to see that it's possible to praise God in the storm. But in doing so, have I hidden the fact that I'm human and am capable of yelling, screaming, and yes, even cussing when the going gets tough? It doesn't mean I wallow in it. I do pick myself back up, brush off what I just did, ask forgiveness where needed, and keep walking on.

I'm not perfect, just a forgiven child of God who still has "moments". This is my faith, my everyday, human faith. I stumble, I do fall, but God never leaves me, He never lets me go. I know when trials like Scott's cancer come to us, (this goes for all Christians) people watch to see if our faith stays steady or if we fall away from our faith when the going gets tough.

I want others to see a faith that's strong, but I also don't want them to think that I'm a "praise Jesus when I stub my toe" kind of person. That's the person that puts on such a good front that they end up looking fake...and they also get on my nerves with how much they smile...makes me wanna slap a frown on their face just for 5 minutes. (ok, enough with that) I do praise God in my trials, but I also get angry at times. I can promise you, more times than not, my first response to stubbing my toe is trying not to say the word/phrase that made it to my tongue....and it's not "Praise Jesus!"

I have screamed the word "WHY" angrily at God. I have sat in our recliner sobbing and yelling, "THIS IS SO STUPID!" As hard as this is to admit, but I have family members that have heard words come out of my mouth that would shock those who don't know that well. God knows what's in my heart, so it's better to get it out and move on. Holding on to it just makes the "volcano" erupt more violently later on (emotionally speaking).

It's on my heart to write a book about our journey with Scott's cancer. I want to do this for two reasons: 1)I have only found one book about melanoma and as real as it was, I found no hope in the book and I want people to be able to read a book about melanoma and find hope 2)When I write, I can get my feelings out and not bottle them up inside. The name that my mom and I came up with for a title is, "Joy in the Mourning". I want this book to be about finding hope and joy even when your husband is told that he has terminal cancer.

I want to have joy in ALL things, but joy is not always the "happy" and "giddy" feeling we think of. Joy is a lot like love....it's a choice. It's choosing to count your blessings when all you can see is the probability of your husband dying within 2 years. It's choosing to sing praises when you want to be angry and yell at God for your situation. It's going out of the house when all you want to do is to stay at home and wallow in your emotions. It's dreaming about the future when the future is uncertain.

I guess in all my ramblings my message is really one thing. FAITH...real faith, it's the relationship you have with Christ, even through the trials. It's not about being or acting perfect so the world sees a perfect life. It's about being real, knowing this world is full of trials and tribulations, but having the hope for a wonderful future with our Lord and Savior. My life verse says this about faith in Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."

What do I see with my earthly eyes? I see a dark future of uncertainty, where my children may grow up without their daddy. I see a future of possibly being a single mother someday, of saying goodbye to the love of my life. A life where I sit by my husbands bed-side and say good bye.

But what does my faith see? It sees a future where God makes good things come of bad situations. It sees that my children will always have a daddy in God. And most of all, I see a future where all my family and friends who have accepted God's gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ, will get to spend eternity (forever and ever and ever) together in Heaven.