I shared my wedding day story for you guys the last time I shared my story (ok, the first time I shared my story), so now it's time to move on. Wedding day over, honeymoon over, let's go right into "happily ever after".
I expected quite a bit of the happily ever after that you see in fairy tales. I mean, I waited 6 years to marry the man that I had a crush on from the moment I first saw him. How could it not go well? Ummm..let's see... on top of putting two different people together who come from different backgrounds, let's add some emotional baggage from the past. Let's let the emotional baggage be feelings of rejection and abandonment, being severely teased and tormented in school, and looking for love in all the wrong places as a teenager (if you know what I mean).
Put all this together and you don't really get a happily ever after. I was looking for my marriage to fix what happened in my past. I wanted it to fill the void of feeling abandoned by my birth mother. I wanted it to automatically take away the scars of having classmates tell me to commit suicide, call me nasty names, push me down the stairs. I expected marriage to make me forget the fact that I gave away my innocence way too soon. But marriage doesn't take it all away...in fact if you expect it to fix everything, it only adds to it.
Our marriage was not from a fairy tale. I was hurt, so in turn I hurt my husband. I learned to manipulate at a young age, so I used my skills to the fullest on my one true love. I really don't want to get in to very many details, but lets just say that our first 2 years of marriage was very hard. I would like to say it was harder than most, but I've never been in another marriage before.
To top it all off, 6 months after we got married, I quit taking birth control pills and started trying to get pregnant. I will admit to you now (I never wanted to admit it before) but I wanted to have a baby to try and fill that void that my marriage didn't fill. As we tried and tried and tried some more, the tension in our marriage got worse as I blamed my husband for not getting me pregnant. There were times he told me that he felt like I was just using him for a sperm bank.
In the first 2 years of our marriage, there were times we didn't think we'd make it as couple. I was stressed, he was stressed and sometimes we just didn't believe it was worth it to go through this kind of "hell" just to be married and have a family.
I remember yelling and screaming at Scott. I would expect him to do certain things and if he didn't do them I yelled, if he did do them I still yelled because I would find something about it that he did wrong. It was totally unfair for Scott.
In 2005, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I was still very depressed. I still had a bad habit that started as a teenager. When my emotional pain got to be too much, I would cut myself with a razor. Scott couldn't handle it anymore and asked me to please go get some counseling. He never outright said it, but I think he was giving me the choice to get help, or he was done with our marriage.
I went in to see a Christian counselor and as time went on (and with some mailed letters from Scott) I was on track to letting my past go. I was letting go of the hurt and scars. I learned that I was not defined by what happened in my past, but I could let it help me and even help others. I learned that I didn't even need good "self-esteem" I needed good "God-esteem". It was one of the most freeing things in my life. I did something that the counselor called "Soul Restoration" which is really just an intense prayer session that allows us to let God take our baggage that we don't need.
Wow....just remembering all this has been an emotional journey. It seems like such a long time ago, and almost like a totally different person. I'm so glad that we didn't quit this journey, because as I keep telling the different stories of our life together, you will see the moments of awesome joy even though there are times of trial.
Keep watching for part 3 of this gripping drama....lol.
to be continued...........
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