My story part 3....

Before Scott and I were married, we discussed how soon we would want to have kids. It was one thing we never could agree on. He wanted to wait 5 years to have a baby, and I wanted to wait 2 years....well, out loud I said that. I honestly wanted to try as soon as we got married, but I thought 2 years was a good compromise.

I started on birth control a couple months before we were married because Scott was worried we might get pregnant right away. I went along with it until about 6 months after our wedding. Then I used every excuse in the book to quit taking birth control and eventually just quit.

I expected that we would be pregnant very soon, especially since Scott was still very scared that it would happen right away. He didn't feel ready to be a daddy yet. And he had very good reasons for that, because our marriage was not in a good place.

Months went by, and more months went by...no pregnancy. I had researched online that it could take up to a year for a couple to get pregnant, so I hoped that within the year it would happen. (but deep down I had a nagging feeling that I would not have a baby of my own)

After 1 year of trying, we were living in Healy and I had met a woman who had moved to town that was in the same boat, they were trying and not getting pregnant. It was nice to have someone to talk to that understood how I was feeling. Scott took it as a sign that we just weren't supposed to have a baby yet...I didn't want to hear that.

Late summer of 2005 I did a concert in Garden City and started suspecting that I was pregnant. I was having all sorts of signs, my cycle was "MIA", and I kept thinking this was it. My best friend and I went to a county fair in the neighboring county. We both love the fast, spinning rides, so we rode on all of them. After a few rides, we got off our last ride of the evening and we both got sick to our stomach. (very unusual for us)

We both started suspecting that we were pregnant. It was awesome because what could be better than sharing the infertility journey with a friend, but sharing the pregnancy journey together. I was too scared to take one more pregnancy test, so I just waited. My good friend came over shortly after that and was sobbing...she had taken a test and was pregnant! This could only mean one thing....I had to be pregnant as well.

She had invited me to a women of faith weekend that was to take place within a week or so of her finding out she was pregnant (it was August). I was still suspecting I was pregnant. When we got there, I started feeling crampy and then started spotting. At first I really thought it was just my period. But when I had my period I never had cramps. After the first night of spotting, the bleeding got worse and the cramping was different than normal menstrual cramps.

I would have a terrible tightening cramp in my lower tummy (all I could do was grab something and squeeze) and then it would go away for awhile. It kept going on and on during the weekend. This was not like a normal cycle for me, so I started asking God what was going on with my body. I know this may sound strange to everyone else, but as I sat at this women of faith weekend I clearly heard God say to me "It will be ok, she's in my arms now". This told me all I needed to know. I was having a miscarriage.

The cramping got worse and worse as the 2 days went on, and by Sunday I was feeling so miserable. I had a concert to do Sunday evening on the way home and Scott was meeting us on the way home to bring me to this. I somehow made it through singing, and on our way home I kept telling Scott to pull over because I had a strange feeling like I had to push something out and needed to go to the bathroom. We stopped at a convenience store and when I got in there I was "pushing" and heard a plop....in the toilet was a blood clot with gray-ish blob in it. Call it a woman's instinct, but I knew what it was. I felt numb all over, and just flushed the toilet. I went out to our pick-up and calmly said "I just flushed our baby down the toilet."

It was after all the cramping and bleeding stopped (about 2 weeks later) that I finally started letting myself grieve. But it would be years before I fully grieved over it all (and many more miscarriages). This was a time in our marriage that we didn't need an added stress. It was around this time that I really dove into my counseling so that I could get past everything. By the end of the year I was able to work on our marriage and life started getting better. It was also time to start going to a Dr. for help in getting pregnant.

I guess I'll stop at this point, the next part adds a new twist to our lives that nobody expected. I know at this point things sound so hopeless and depressing, but I promise that once we get past all this, you will see all the hope and faith that these trials brought to us.

to be continued....