Wanting Baby John

I didn't realize how waiting for a baby makes you learn patience. I know it's 9 months of waiting (in our case only about 5 months) but this last month is about to drive me insane.

I didn't realize how bad I wanted to hold my little guy. Sometimes my arms literally ache for him. But I've tried to spend my time either cleaning, or cross-stitching for my little man.

The girls are so excited for him to come. I think they are feeling the frustration as well. They come home from school and ask if there's any news on John. Everyday that I have to tell them "no news" I see their faces drop just a bit. I think we are all ready to meet John.

Even Scott has went from being totally careful, to allowing some hope to creep in. He now talks about the future with "Little John" and that just warms my heart. I had my moments where I thought I was the only one keeping my hopes up. But it is a tough situation, so I can't blame anyone for wanting to be careful about it. There is still a slight possibility that the birth mother may change her mind, but I'm gonna pray that it doesn't happen.

I've also been thinking about things from her side. If someone asked me to give up my girls I don't think I could do it. My heart would break and I think I would literally die with grief. So why would I sit here and pray that this woman make a choice that would break her heart? Am I really that selfish of a woman? To wish so much pain on a woman because my arms want to hold a baby?

Don't get me wrong, I plan on adopting this baby. But I've just been trying to see the other side and be very careful about the birth mothers feelings. I can also see that she doesn't have the means to care for this baby. She has stated this to me many times.

It just goes to show how complicated adoption can be. This baby will grow up knowing that the woman who carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him and handed him over to us. Here's what I plan to say to him: "Just because your mommy who carried you in her tummy gave you to us, doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. She loved you so, so much that she wanted you to have a life that she couldn't give you. Don't think she didn't love you, think how much she does love you."

I pray everyday that John will grow up with joy knowing what was involved in the adoption. Not resentment or anger, but love for a woman who loved him enough to sacrifice for him.