Endings and beginnings

This weekend Scott and I, once again, embark on a new journey in life. We are about to learn what it means to be parents to a child that no longer goes to school, a child that has her own ideas about life; and in just a short couple weeks, a child who doesn't live at home. This is a tougher role to take on than I thought it would be. I find myself being a bit of a control freak and I worry constantly (already)about the decisions that she will make. I guess we just hope we did most of the right things and that she knows how to be a productive adult in society.

One of my biggest worries is that she will get out there (oh, and she is living with her birth dad when she moves out) and she'll decide never to see us again. I don't know if this feeling is normal, but it would kill me if she decided to make my worst fears a reality. There's more to this story than I can share on here that makes my fears a bit more legitimate, but I can't go into it on here.

Of course on the other hand we will be starting a journey with our middle daughter that we do understand...and that would be high school. We know whats involved in that. Lets see how this next 4 years goes with our 2nd child. I hope it's a bit less stressful than the last 4 years.

And then there's John and his whole life has been a new journey for us. So I guess we have learned that new journeys can be fun and exciting even in the midst of the uncertainty. So I can see how our newest journey might be a bit exciting and maybe even a bit fun. Fun in the way of seeing our oldest child make something of herself in the world. To follow her dreams and make them come true.

So here's to embarking on our new adventures in life.

New ministry and a busy life

So I've added a ministry to my life in the past couple months besides my singing. The one thing I've always disliked doing and felt that I wasn't any good at.....I've become a speaker! I went to my 3rd women's encounter at the end of April (my 2nd that I've spoken at) and it was even more of a blessing than the other one I spoke at. I added a teaching as well as doing my testimony. I could really feel God moving through the place as I watched the Holy Spirit speaking to the ladies at the encounter. What an awesome weekend full of healing and freedom.

I plan to go back to my next encounter in July and I can't wait. And not only is God using me at these encounters as a server and a speaker, but I am actually speaking at my church this Sunday for mothers day. I love how God is taking me outside my comfort zone and then using me in ways that even I never thought. I still plan to sing, but I also plan to keep the speaking up. I guess the saying is true, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." Totally true!!!

It's been very busy in our family besides singing and speaking. We are getting ready for graduation and family vacation...all coming up within 2 weeks. Martie is graduating from high school and Lizzy is graduating from 8th grade. We are planning the party and trying to figure out graduation gifts for the girls as well as the others we've gotten announcements from. It's crazy busy, but good.

I'm excited for our vacation, too. It will be the first time on a plane for all our kids. Martie and Lizzy are scared about it, but it will be fun. We are going to Michigan to visit Scott's brother and his wife. They have not met Lizzy or John yet. We were there in 2010, so it's been a few years since we've seen them. Last time we went on a train, so it will be fun experiencing going on a plane.

Our baby is now almost 8 months old. Can you believe it!? He is crawling all over (army crawling), saying a few words (dada, ba, and I swear yesterday he tried to say dog but it came out "doook"). He is wearing pretty much only 12 month clothes, so he's a big boy. He's almost 20 pounds and he's probably about 29 inches long. He tries to pull himself up to furniture and he's almost there, he just needs a little help to get up. It's been amazing to watch him grow and learn things. He is so smiley and he loves kisses. He will "ask" for a kiss by opening his mouth, grabbing my cheeks or hair and kissing me right on the mouth. But I love every slobbery kiss he ever gives.

So it's been a very good year for us so far. Time just keeps going by so fast, so we try to cherish every moment of it. What a blessing God gives our family each day as we celebrate life together.

ENCOUNTER!

My daughter, Martaysha and I, went to a women's encounter this weekend. I had been once before so I went as a server and she went as an attendee. This was the best thing we could have done together.

Our relationship was always a little strained. We managed to get along but we have never been really close. That has all changed! We bonded and healed this weekend

I'll share my part of the story and then share hers. Like I said I was a server. Kind of like a camp counselor. We are there to do what we neeed to for the ladies in our room. Along with serving, I shared my testimony of infertility and adoption. The whole weekend brought me out of my comfort zone and stretched me in many ways.

I was able to boldly pray out loud, in front of strangers. I spoke (not sang) in front of the whole group. God showed me that my shyness was there because of fear and lack of confidence and "God-esteem". I don't need to be afraid. God is with me always.

It was a different experience as a server. Watching the ladies pour their hearts out, lay down past hurts and baggage, and find true freedom in Christ. AMAZING AND AWESOME!!!!

Martie went reluctantly but she did go. I think she had her mind made up to get nothing out of it. Thank God He had His own plan. From the first night, God was working on her heart. As the weekend went on she layed down her baggage. Hurts from the past, unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness. I brought a new daughter home and left the old daughter there. She has a new zeal for life and for her God and Savior. He put worship in her heart. She hasn't quit worshipping him since we left the encounter.

We started doing devotions in the morning together and prayer before bed at night and it's been great. And we put on our worship cs's and sing at the top of our lungs in the house or the car/van.

It hasn't fully been a breeze. Satan started working on us from the moment we walked in our house. But we claimed in Jesus name that we will not be discouraged. We will boldly walk forward and hold on to God. We know there will be more spiritual warfare as time goes on. But we will put on the armor of God daily.

What a great testimony of what God can do in two broken lives. God has amazing things in store for us. Praise the Lord!!!!!!

Joyful, Joyful

"Joyful, Joyful we adore Thee, God of glory Lord of Love"

This describes me lately. I feel like I'm just overflowing with joy. My life feels so complete and whole. I feel like I want to erupt with joy "lava" and spew it all over everyone I meet. I love the man I'm married to and I love my three children.

But today something hit me as I was thinking about how complete and full of joy my life is right now. Why was I not this full of joy before? Seriously, the Bible tells us to be joyful in all things. We are to be content where God has us at all times, even when we think we should be somewhere else.

I'm gonna be honest, I'm a bit ashamed of myself that I only let the Joy of the Lord truly come into my life after God gave me "what I wanted". Don't get me wrong, I still should be thankful that God even did this for me. But why in the world did He give me, someone who wasn't truly content where he had me before, the desires of my heart?

He should have sat back and said, "silly, child, you aren't even happy with the things I gave you, why should I give you more?" But because I serve a God of Grace and Mercy, He instead said, "I love you my child with an everlasting love. I have seen the desires of your heart, and as your daddy in heaven I want to see you with those desires."

I am going to choose from this day on, to be joyful, even if I don't always feel like I'm where I want to be. Because if God can still give wonderful gift to an ungrateful person like me, then I can show Him that I will be content where He has me.

For example, I'll be honest, I am not really fond of the town I live in. I've wanted to move for quite a few years now, but God keeps saying no to us. We have a few people we get a long with, but I'll be honest, we don't feel we are truly accepted here. We don't fit into the cliques that exist here. I guess this is a good thing, because most of them get along for reasons we don't want to belong to them. It's just tough not having many people to do things with.

But I can choose at this point to be joyful because God gave me a house to live in and food to eat as well as many other things. Or I can wallow in self-pity and depression because I didn't get what I want. Maybe God's just waiting for me to be truly content where He has me. Or maybe, just maybe, we have a purpose here that just hasn't been fulfilled yet.

I will choose to have joy. Who knows, maybe because we don't fit in very well, we can be an example to some that we know how to have fun without living all the "earthly" ways.

"Joyful, Joyful, we adore Thee. God of glory, Lord of Love"

Christmas-time is here!

It's almost Christmas!!! My favorite holiday of the whole year! It's always been a magical time of year for me. When I was little, I always loved the idea that Santa was gonna come on Christmas Eve and leave presents for me (and eat the cookies and milk I left for him). Not sure why it has always been so magical, but it has.

Then when I got married, I still did my best to make it a magical time. I still had Santa bring presents for my husband (too bad Santa didn't get the hint and leave me gifts....lol).

Then we adopted Martie. I was so excited because I was going to get to pass on my Santa traditions with my child. But when you get a teenager, you chance them not wanting to do anything with the whole "Santa Claus thing". She humored me for 2 years and then it just wasn't fun anymore, I guess. But I still tried.

Now we have two new ones in our house. Santa is back in full force. Even though Elizabeth is 15, she missed so much of her childhood that she has started reverting back to some childish ways. Some would think this is crazy, but we found this is the only way that they are able to move forward in life. So at 15, she's gone back to believing in Santa. And I'm right there with her...I've never quit believing in Santa.

She wrote him a letter this year...and he wrote her back a very detailed letter. He even brought our family some movies already so that we can watch as a family. Ironically, he brought the "Santa Clause" movies with Tim Allen. She asks me questions quite frequently about Santa's magic and I do my best to answer. I don't know all his ways of magic, but I share what I've learned over the years. We get many answers from the "Santa" movies we watch.

I never knew how much more magical it is when you get to "be" Santa to your children. To watch their eyes light up with the joy of the Christmas season. To see them believe in things they can only imagine in their minds. I really can't wait until next year when John is a year old. Not that he will understand everything, but it will be a start of showing him the magic that happens only once a year.

I know that the real reason for celebrating is not Santa. It's about our Saviors birth. I have never neglected to at least try and teach our children that part of it as well. I just can't give up the Santa part because I just remember the feelings I used to have of awe and wonder. Almost this joy and peace that passes all understanding.

In a way, it all brought me closer to a faith in God because it taught me that there are things that we can't see and can't fully understand and you still gotta believe. Santa taught me about love. Because no matter how "naughty" I might have been, he always had the grace to leave presents under the tree. This taught me that we all make mistakes and there's always room for forgiveness.

This is what I want Santa to do for my children. To teach them about faith. That my life verse would come alive in many ways in their lives.

Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."

This is why Christmas is my favorite time of year.

Excuse this mess

Life really gets away from a person sometimes. Here lately, I feel as if I can't seem to keep my head above water for very long. Between trying to clean house, make meals, go to appointments, take care of a baby, and discipline 2 teen girls, I don't get much done. And most of the time it's my house that doesn't get clean.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, my kids and my life overall..but sometimes this mama feels a bit overwhelmed.

My problem is that I compare myself to others. I visit others homes and I see houses cleaner than mine. I watch tv (don't judge me...I'm not the only one who does this) and I compare my house to what I see. I've been watching "Leave It To Beaver" lately and it's very intimidating to watch a woman who's house is always clean and she is always nice to her husband.

I know that I can't expect things to be perfect, but I just want to be a little closer than I am now.

I want to be able to have someone stop by on a whim and not have to feel ashamed of the 2 and a half inches of dust on my shelves and tv stand. And not have so much dirt ground into my carpet that it looks like we need to plant grass. Anyone with me so far? There's gotta be someone out there that feels this same way...deep down inside somewhere.

And then I think about those poems and sayings that talk about how having a perfect looking house is not what's important...it's the time you have as a family. The memories you make together. Maybe it's time that I quit trying to make everything look like June Cleaver's house. After all, that's a staged tv show, and in reality she doesn't ever have to actually clean that house.

It's Christmas time and my favorite time of year. I guess it's time to get on with Christmas and make some magical memories in this family.

Excuse This House

Some houses try to hide the fact
That children shelter there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly,
The signs are every where.

For smears are on the windows,
Little smudges on the doors;
I should apologize I guess
For toys strewn on the floor.

But I sat down with the children
And we played and laughed and read,
And if the doorbell doesn't shine,
Their eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I'm forced to
Choose the one job or the other,
I want to be a housewife...
But first I'll be a mother.

Scars

Since we have adopted John, I've spent a lot of time looking back at my life and seeing how God has worked. I could go on and on about the things that He was worked out that we weren't sure would work out. Each time I became a mom again was His perfect timing. Each trial that I went through was a gift from Him. Can you believe I even said that? But it's true.

One I want to focus on is how God worked out John's adoption. Scott and I had tried for somewhere between 8 and 9 years to have a baby of our own. To go even further back, I've had PCOS for as long as I can remember. I was told in High School that I might never be able to have a baby. I was never sure if it was the dr that said that making me think it or if it was God, but I've always felt that wouldn't have my own children. But that never kept me from trying.

I also remember saying that Scott and I had a time limit on our trying. For some reason, even in my early 20's, I would say that Scott and I only had until I was 30 to try for a baby. This used to make Scott frustrated because he didn't feel that we should put a time limit on it. But there was more to it than just selfishness.

My PCOS got worse and worse as time went on, and finally this year Scott and I made a decision that took a lot of faith. I knew deep down that I would not be having my own baby and I kept trying not to try. I kept trying to give it all to God, but I would end up wanting to "try" again.

At the beginning of the year, Scott and I decided that we wanted to ask a dr to let me have a hysterectomy. We saw one dr that told us just to do birth control since we weren't trying anymore. I didn't want that, I wanted it all gone. It was just time. So finally I went to see my normal dr at the clinic and he set it up for me to see the ob/gyn that visits the clinic. Somewhere around the end of April/beginning of May we saw the dr and set the date for my hysterectomy.

I thought I would cry and be upset, but it was amazing how much lighter I felt about it. Not that it was the easiest thing, but I felt so much joy and peace that I couldn't be upset.

About a week after I set my date I got a phone call about a woman who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. We called her and started contact. I wasn't sure that it would work out, but we wanted to go out on faith and see what God could do.

At the end of May, I had my hysterectomy. That day could be a blog post in itself. That's when it got tough for me. Since then, I've had 3 scars on my stomach. They have slowly gotten a little bit lighter, but I think they will always be there. Scott sees them and will sometimes comment that they remind him of the hardest decision he's seen me make. But I'm proud of my scars.

Why?

Because if it wasn't for my scars, and me giving my fertility up to God once and for all, I would not have my baby. So I look at my scars with joy, not resentment. I see my scars the same way a woman with c-section scars sees her scars...as a reminder of the child God has blessed them with.

We all have scars, we all have things we've given up, either because we have to or because we have chosen to. Look at those scars with joy, not resentment, because there is always a purpose for your scars.