Dreams

I have spent a lot of time lately just looking at John. Sometimes I can't believe that he's really here. After almost 9 years of longing and trying for a baby made me think it was impossible and would never happen. And now I spend my days and nights staring at this beautiful baby boy that God created. A baby that spent 9 months with someone else, but somehow looks just like Scott.

Here's the crazy thing about John looking likely Scott. Our whole time trying for a baby, I prayed that God would make our baby look like Scott. I wanted our baby to have Scott's hair and eye color above all else. So far the hair color fits...and even the way his hair lays. We will see if his eyes turn out like Scott's eyes.

John is such a great testimony of how God works in lives. Sometimes our deepest desires do not match Gods desires for us...but He always had a perfect plan. Sometimes it's not in the time we think, but God has perfect timing.

I challenge you today to look at the things that didn't seem to go your way and look closely at how God worked it out. Or look at something that you want but haven't gotten yet, and patiently wait to see what God will do with your situation. He knows best even if you don't see it. Sometimes you have to give your dreams to Him before the dreams He has for you can become reality.

The story begins....

October is a good month for me because I get to celebrate one of the best decisions of my life. It's the month that Scott and I get to celebrate our wedding anniversary...a chance to celebrate the start of our family.

October 18, 2003

The day dawned bright and very warm for the middle of October. The sky was clear and I had to get up early to go all the way to Garden City (an hour away) to get my hair done. I hate getting up early, but I was so excited. I had waited 6 years to marry the man that I wanted to marry from the moment I saw him...literally.

My mom, sister (Michaela), and my brothers girlfriend, Tanna, came with me. Michaela and Tanna got their hair done as well. Michaela was my flower girl and a junior bridesmaid and Tanna was my "personal attendant". I just really wanted her to be a big part of my wedding because I loved her a lot and hoped that she would someday be my sister-in-law.

After getting my hair done, I remember stopping at a convenience store to get gum...so that my breath would be good for the "kiss" at the end of the ceremony. I also remember the feeling of riding in the front seat of the vehicle and enjoying people turning to watch a young woman with a veil on her head go by. It made me feel like a celebrity.

When we got out to Camp Christy (where we got married) I remember being very careful so that Scott didn't see me. I wasn't worried about the superstition of it, I just wanted it to be a surprise when he saw me in my dress and my hair done.

I got ready and then just waited for the car to bring my dad and I to the ceremony. I remember my parents coming over to me and praying over me and this new chapter in my life. Then my dad jokingly asked me if I wanted to run away and not get married. I didn't even hesitate when I told him "no way!"

Everyone left my dad, Tanna and myself to wait for the car. When the clock showed the right time, and the car was outside waiting for us, we made our way to the ceremony. We didn't know it at the time, but the clock we saw was off by about 10 minutes. I was actually about 10-15 minutes late for my own wedding! Good thing everyone knew I wasn't going to run away.

I readied myself outside the chapel door as everyone else made their way down the chapel aisle. Then my song came on, the one I recorded special for my daddy. I had my dad and my grandpa walk me down the aisle. They both took it very seriously and you can see it in the pictures that were taken.

The day was wonderful. The ceremony was very special, the amount of guests was perfect, and we had lots of fellowship time at the reception. I can remember most of the details of that day even now.

We had two Steven Curtis Chapman songs at our wedding. "Go There With You" and "I Will Be Here". What's crazy is that we didn't mean for these songs to be prophetic to our lives, but they were very much prophetic to what we would go through in our marriage. If you know our story and then go listen to these songs (especially "I Will Be Here") you will see what I mean.

We said "for better or for worse" and even though we've had lots of good times we didn't realize how much "for worse" we would really have in our 9 years of marriage this far. But it was a great start to a life with a man that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.

To be continued......

Worth the Wait

I started out thinking that I would be blogging about our new expanded family every single day because I was so excited. I am learning one lesson with a newborn: Even if you thought you were gonna get it done, chances are you won't actually get it done. I knew that babies were time consuming and I knew that parents didn't sleep as much, but I didn't know it would go to this extent.

Don't get me wrong, as exhausted as I am, I am loving every moment of this. I am taking pictures like crazy (at least one every day) because of how fast he's growing and changing. And I'm savoring every moment of every day because I know that it will go by fast and that everything will get here soon enough.

I have a onesie that John will eventually wear that says "worth the wait". It is so true. He was worth the wait. It was a long and hard (almost) 9 years. Scott and I went through a lot before we got to where we are today. In fact, I was telling him just the other day that we could almost take our lives together and write a book. If I was really going to do that, I would want to share the bad, but most of all have the hope and our faith shine through.

Ok, how did I get from John to our life together. I think it's because I've been thinking about the things that I've been through in life and how it brought me to where I am and also made me who I am. My struggles started long before I married my true love, and didn't end once we had our wedding day and thought we were gonna have a "happily ever after."

It might sound crazy, but looking back, I am grateful for the struggles that I/we have had. They were tough at the time, but I wouldn't have grown without them. I am thinking that I would like to share my story (piece by piece) on my blog. Doesn't mean that I will post everyday, and not even every single post. But it's always been my hearts desire for my struggles to give hope to others facing similar things that I faced. I want people to share in some the sorrow, so that they can truly see the hope that shines in every situation.

Baby Boy

I had to add some pictures. I finally found some time to do it.

"Mommy" and "Mama" as we have dubbed ourselves. I'm mommy and she's mama.

John right after his first bath from the nurse.

She loves him so much. I know that it broke her heart to give him up. But she's a strong woman.

The Happy Family of 5!

This is my favorite picture of John. It's with my Grandpa Jerry. I think that this is the picture that John looks the most like Scott. I'm amazed at how God works things out.

I prayed for some specific things as we were trying for our own baby. I wanted our baby to look just like Scott, have his eyes and hair. I also wanted a calm baby that wasn't overly fussy. I don't remember if there were any other details I prayed about, but God gave me these so far..and it wasn't even through our blood.

If this doesn't prove that there's a God out there, then I just don't know what else could convince someone that we have a loving God.

Bittersweet

So today was bittersweet. The papers got signed by the birth mother. We are overjoyed to have this precious baby for our own. But as we watched this birth mother make her decision, our hearts broke. We know this was the hardest decision of her life.

We went to her room after it was all over just to say thank you and give her a hug. We talked for a few minutes and watched her fight back her tears. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

We walked back to our room which was filled with the joyous celebration of a new family member and couldn't take it anymore. Scott and I both burst into tears and wept over the birth mothers grief. My mom came over and hugged me as I kept repeating "my heart is breaking for her". Scott sat on the bed with tears streaming down one cheek (for obvious reasons).

My girls then each took turns hugging me and I whispered I love you to each. I think my heart breaks because as a mother already I know that I could not ever be strong enough to do what she has done.

I think what makes it so personal is that she and I have gotten close enough that I can truly call her a friend. And my love for this woman runs deep as she gave us one of the greatest gifts a person can give.

I want so many prayers to go up on behalf of this woman who had so much love for her baby that she put her own feelings aside for his good. This is a woman to be honored.

John William is here

John had his own idea of when his birthday would be. Friday, September 21, 2012. He was born at 11:10 am. He weighed 7 lbs 8 oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. I watched him come into the world and then got to cut the cord. I am already madly in love with this sweet baby boy.

He barely cries. His first real cry that I heard was just a bit ago when he decided a small cry would wake mommy enough to feed him. :) When I say small cry, I literally mean small cry.

He's eating about every 3 hours and is not afraid to mess his diaper...especially right after mommy changes it...lol. Oh and he is so far quite a night owl...especially after he just spent all day sleeping through all the visitors.

He and daddy just had some good snuggle time and daddy put him to sleep. Yippee for daddy cause mommy needs more than 2 hours of sleep (in 24 hours) to really function. Welcome to having a newborn.

Overall, even in my "lack-of-sleep" brain, I am filled to overflowing with joy and love. I will try and post pics tomorrow....wait, later today.

Johns Birthdate

My John William has a birthdate! He will be born September 25, 2012. The Dr. decided to induce the birth mom this coming Tuesday. This last little bit has been the hardest wait in the world. This is even worse than waiting to see the results of a pregnancy test.

We are very excited, but still very nervous. There is still the possibility that the birth mom could change her mind after he's born. I think that's what makes the wait so hard. We are waiting on a baby that could end up not being ours. But we are going to think positive and have faith that God will help her make the right choice in the end.

We have things all ready for this little miracle to come into our lives. His room is ready, the carseat is installed, and he has more clothes than a fashion model...lol. We have formula on hand, bottles, wipes, and some diapers (until we get the cloth diapers that we want to use). We have bags packed and the camera always charged. I'm not about to miss any photo opps with this little guy.

It's been a tough road, but we've grown. We've increased our faith, as we've questioned everything we believe. But look at us now, almost 3 kids. Not exactly how we planned it, but it's exactly as God planned it. I think when we have John in our home, our family will be 100% complete.

In less than a week, I will be posting pictures of our beautiful baby boy, so make sure you keep checking for updates Tuesday or Wednesday.

God Bless you all!!!!!