ENCOUNTER!

My daughter, Martaysha and I, went to a women's encounter this weekend. I had been once before so I went as a server and she went as an attendee. This was the best thing we could have done together.

Our relationship was always a little strained. We managed to get along but we have never been really close. That has all changed! We bonded and healed this weekend

I'll share my part of the story and then share hers. Like I said I was a server. Kind of like a camp counselor. We are there to do what we neeed to for the ladies in our room. Along with serving, I shared my testimony of infertility and adoption. The whole weekend brought me out of my comfort zone and stretched me in many ways.

I was able to boldly pray out loud, in front of strangers. I spoke (not sang) in front of the whole group. God showed me that my shyness was there because of fear and lack of confidence and "God-esteem". I don't need to be afraid. God is with me always.

It was a different experience as a server. Watching the ladies pour their hearts out, lay down past hurts and baggage, and find true freedom in Christ. AMAZING AND AWESOME!!!!

Martie went reluctantly but she did go. I think she had her mind made up to get nothing out of it. Thank God He had His own plan. From the first night, God was working on her heart. As the weekend went on she layed down her baggage. Hurts from the past, unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness. I brought a new daughter home and left the old daughter there. She has a new zeal for life and for her God and Savior. He put worship in her heart. She hasn't quit worshipping him since we left the encounter.

We started doing devotions in the morning together and prayer before bed at night and it's been great. And we put on our worship cs's and sing at the top of our lungs in the house or the car/van.

It hasn't fully been a breeze. Satan started working on us from the moment we walked in our house. But we claimed in Jesus name that we will not be discouraged. We will boldly walk forward and hold on to God. We know there will be more spiritual warfare as time goes on. But we will put on the armor of God daily.

What a great testimony of what God can do in two broken lives. God has amazing things in store for us. Praise the Lord!!!!!!

Joyful, Joyful

"Joyful, Joyful we adore Thee, God of glory Lord of Love"

This describes me lately. I feel like I'm just overflowing with joy. My life feels so complete and whole. I feel like I want to erupt with joy "lava" and spew it all over everyone I meet. I love the man I'm married to and I love my three children.

But today something hit me as I was thinking about how complete and full of joy my life is right now. Why was I not this full of joy before? Seriously, the Bible tells us to be joyful in all things. We are to be content where God has us at all times, even when we think we should be somewhere else.

I'm gonna be honest, I'm a bit ashamed of myself that I only let the Joy of the Lord truly come into my life after God gave me "what I wanted". Don't get me wrong, I still should be thankful that God even did this for me. But why in the world did He give me, someone who wasn't truly content where he had me before, the desires of my heart?

He should have sat back and said, "silly, child, you aren't even happy with the things I gave you, why should I give you more?" But because I serve a God of Grace and Mercy, He instead said, "I love you my child with an everlasting love. I have seen the desires of your heart, and as your daddy in heaven I want to see you with those desires."

I am going to choose from this day on, to be joyful, even if I don't always feel like I'm where I want to be. Because if God can still give wonderful gift to an ungrateful person like me, then I can show Him that I will be content where He has me.

For example, I'll be honest, I am not really fond of the town I live in. I've wanted to move for quite a few years now, but God keeps saying no to us. We have a few people we get a long with, but I'll be honest, we don't feel we are truly accepted here. We don't fit into the cliques that exist here. I guess this is a good thing, because most of them get along for reasons we don't want to belong to them. It's just tough not having many people to do things with.

But I can choose at this point to be joyful because God gave me a house to live in and food to eat as well as many other things. Or I can wallow in self-pity and depression because I didn't get what I want. Maybe God's just waiting for me to be truly content where He has me. Or maybe, just maybe, we have a purpose here that just hasn't been fulfilled yet.

I will choose to have joy. Who knows, maybe because we don't fit in very well, we can be an example to some that we know how to have fun without living all the "earthly" ways.

"Joyful, Joyful, we adore Thee. God of glory, Lord of Love"

Christmas-time is here!

It's almost Christmas!!! My favorite holiday of the whole year! It's always been a magical time of year for me. When I was little, I always loved the idea that Santa was gonna come on Christmas Eve and leave presents for me (and eat the cookies and milk I left for him). Not sure why it has always been so magical, but it has.

Then when I got married, I still did my best to make it a magical time. I still had Santa bring presents for my husband (too bad Santa didn't get the hint and leave me gifts....lol).

Then we adopted Martie. I was so excited because I was going to get to pass on my Santa traditions with my child. But when you get a teenager, you chance them not wanting to do anything with the whole "Santa Claus thing". She humored me for 2 years and then it just wasn't fun anymore, I guess. But I still tried.

Now we have two new ones in our house. Santa is back in full force. Even though Elizabeth is 15, she missed so much of her childhood that she has started reverting back to some childish ways. Some would think this is crazy, but we found this is the only way that they are able to move forward in life. So at 15, she's gone back to believing in Santa. And I'm right there with her...I've never quit believing in Santa.

She wrote him a letter this year...and he wrote her back a very detailed letter. He even brought our family some movies already so that we can watch as a family. Ironically, he brought the "Santa Clause" movies with Tim Allen. She asks me questions quite frequently about Santa's magic and I do my best to answer. I don't know all his ways of magic, but I share what I've learned over the years. We get many answers from the "Santa" movies we watch.

I never knew how much more magical it is when you get to "be" Santa to your children. To watch their eyes light up with the joy of the Christmas season. To see them believe in things they can only imagine in their minds. I really can't wait until next year when John is a year old. Not that he will understand everything, but it will be a start of showing him the magic that happens only once a year.

I know that the real reason for celebrating is not Santa. It's about our Saviors birth. I have never neglected to at least try and teach our children that part of it as well. I just can't give up the Santa part because I just remember the feelings I used to have of awe and wonder. Almost this joy and peace that passes all understanding.

In a way, it all brought me closer to a faith in God because it taught me that there are things that we can't see and can't fully understand and you still gotta believe. Santa taught me about love. Because no matter how "naughty" I might have been, he always had the grace to leave presents under the tree. This taught me that we all make mistakes and there's always room for forgiveness.

This is what I want Santa to do for my children. To teach them about faith. That my life verse would come alive in many ways in their lives.

Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."

This is why Christmas is my favorite time of year.

Excuse this mess

Life really gets away from a person sometimes. Here lately, I feel as if I can't seem to keep my head above water for very long. Between trying to clean house, make meals, go to appointments, take care of a baby, and discipline 2 teen girls, I don't get much done. And most of the time it's my house that doesn't get clean.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, my kids and my life overall..but sometimes this mama feels a bit overwhelmed.

My problem is that I compare myself to others. I visit others homes and I see houses cleaner than mine. I watch tv (don't judge me...I'm not the only one who does this) and I compare my house to what I see. I've been watching "Leave It To Beaver" lately and it's very intimidating to watch a woman who's house is always clean and she is always nice to her husband.

I know that I can't expect things to be perfect, but I just want to be a little closer than I am now.

I want to be able to have someone stop by on a whim and not have to feel ashamed of the 2 and a half inches of dust on my shelves and tv stand. And not have so much dirt ground into my carpet that it looks like we need to plant grass. Anyone with me so far? There's gotta be someone out there that feels this same way...deep down inside somewhere.

And then I think about those poems and sayings that talk about how having a perfect looking house is not what's important...it's the time you have as a family. The memories you make together. Maybe it's time that I quit trying to make everything look like June Cleaver's house. After all, that's a staged tv show, and in reality she doesn't ever have to actually clean that house.

It's Christmas time and my favorite time of year. I guess it's time to get on with Christmas and make some magical memories in this family.

Excuse This House

Some houses try to hide the fact
That children shelter there.
Ours boasts of it quite openly,
The signs are every where.

For smears are on the windows,
Little smudges on the doors;
I should apologize I guess
For toys strewn on the floor.

But I sat down with the children
And we played and laughed and read,
And if the doorbell doesn't shine,
Their eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I'm forced to
Choose the one job or the other,
I want to be a housewife...
But first I'll be a mother.

Scars

Since we have adopted John, I've spent a lot of time looking back at my life and seeing how God has worked. I could go on and on about the things that He was worked out that we weren't sure would work out. Each time I became a mom again was His perfect timing. Each trial that I went through was a gift from Him. Can you believe I even said that? But it's true.

One I want to focus on is how God worked out John's adoption. Scott and I had tried for somewhere between 8 and 9 years to have a baby of our own. To go even further back, I've had PCOS for as long as I can remember. I was told in High School that I might never be able to have a baby. I was never sure if it was the dr that said that making me think it or if it was God, but I've always felt that wouldn't have my own children. But that never kept me from trying.

I also remember saying that Scott and I had a time limit on our trying. For some reason, even in my early 20's, I would say that Scott and I only had until I was 30 to try for a baby. This used to make Scott frustrated because he didn't feel that we should put a time limit on it. But there was more to it than just selfishness.

My PCOS got worse and worse as time went on, and finally this year Scott and I made a decision that took a lot of faith. I knew deep down that I would not be having my own baby and I kept trying not to try. I kept trying to give it all to God, but I would end up wanting to "try" again.

At the beginning of the year, Scott and I decided that we wanted to ask a dr to let me have a hysterectomy. We saw one dr that told us just to do birth control since we weren't trying anymore. I didn't want that, I wanted it all gone. It was just time. So finally I went to see my normal dr at the clinic and he set it up for me to see the ob/gyn that visits the clinic. Somewhere around the end of April/beginning of May we saw the dr and set the date for my hysterectomy.

I thought I would cry and be upset, but it was amazing how much lighter I felt about it. Not that it was the easiest thing, but I felt so much joy and peace that I couldn't be upset.

About a week after I set my date I got a phone call about a woman who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. We called her and started contact. I wasn't sure that it would work out, but we wanted to go out on faith and see what God could do.

At the end of May, I had my hysterectomy. That day could be a blog post in itself. That's when it got tough for me. Since then, I've had 3 scars on my stomach. They have slowly gotten a little bit lighter, but I think they will always be there. Scott sees them and will sometimes comment that they remind him of the hardest decision he's seen me make. But I'm proud of my scars.

Why?

Because if it wasn't for my scars, and me giving my fertility up to God once and for all, I would not have my baby. So I look at my scars with joy, not resentment. I see my scars the same way a woman with c-section scars sees her scars...as a reminder of the child God has blessed them with.

We all have scars, we all have things we've given up, either because we have to or because we have chosen to. Look at those scars with joy, not resentment, because there is always a purpose for your scars.

Chef Melissa...

I'm gonna post twice today. This time will be much more light-hearted. I've just noticed that my meals at home have been blah....or even non-existent. I used to love cooking and in the past while have just kind of quit cooking food. What' wrong with me? I have all these cookbooks sitting in my kitchen and I haven't used half of the recipes in them. Why have so many cookbooks and recipes if you aren't going to use them?

So I had an idea that hit me today. I hope it will make meal-planning a little more fun. I'm going to cook my way through all my cookbooks, one at a time. I am also hoping that this will make me eat better (right now I just grab something junk-foodish because I just don't have the energy) but it's time to make a change. I'm trying a new diet to lose my last little bit of weight (plus some I gained over the summer after my last weight loss plan) and maybe this will help me. I think my family will appreciate it as well since they will be eating better too.

So starting tonight, I'm going to grab one of my family cookbooks and start my journey through some family recipes. Who knows, I might just find a new recipe to fall in love with.

My story part 3....

Before Scott and I were married, we discussed how soon we would want to have kids. It was one thing we never could agree on. He wanted to wait 5 years to have a baby, and I wanted to wait 2 years....well, out loud I said that. I honestly wanted to try as soon as we got married, but I thought 2 years was a good compromise.

I started on birth control a couple months before we were married because Scott was worried we might get pregnant right away. I went along with it until about 6 months after our wedding. Then I used every excuse in the book to quit taking birth control and eventually just quit.

I expected that we would be pregnant very soon, especially since Scott was still very scared that it would happen right away. He didn't feel ready to be a daddy yet. And he had very good reasons for that, because our marriage was not in a good place.

Months went by, and more months went by...no pregnancy. I had researched online that it could take up to a year for a couple to get pregnant, so I hoped that within the year it would happen. (but deep down I had a nagging feeling that I would not have a baby of my own)

After 1 year of trying, we were living in Healy and I had met a woman who had moved to town that was in the same boat, they were trying and not getting pregnant. It was nice to have someone to talk to that understood how I was feeling. Scott took it as a sign that we just weren't supposed to have a baby yet...I didn't want to hear that.

Late summer of 2005 I did a concert in Garden City and started suspecting that I was pregnant. I was having all sorts of signs, my cycle was "MIA", and I kept thinking this was it. My best friend and I went to a county fair in the neighboring county. We both love the fast, spinning rides, so we rode on all of them. After a few rides, we got off our last ride of the evening and we both got sick to our stomach. (very unusual for us)

We both started suspecting that we were pregnant. It was awesome because what could be better than sharing the infertility journey with a friend, but sharing the pregnancy journey together. I was too scared to take one more pregnancy test, so I just waited. My good friend came over shortly after that and was sobbing...she had taken a test and was pregnant! This could only mean one thing....I had to be pregnant as well.

She had invited me to a women of faith weekend that was to take place within a week or so of her finding out she was pregnant (it was August). I was still suspecting I was pregnant. When we got there, I started feeling crampy and then started spotting. At first I really thought it was just my period. But when I had my period I never had cramps. After the first night of spotting, the bleeding got worse and the cramping was different than normal menstrual cramps.

I would have a terrible tightening cramp in my lower tummy (all I could do was grab something and squeeze) and then it would go away for awhile. It kept going on and on during the weekend. This was not like a normal cycle for me, so I started asking God what was going on with my body. I know this may sound strange to everyone else, but as I sat at this women of faith weekend I clearly heard God say to me "It will be ok, she's in my arms now". This told me all I needed to know. I was having a miscarriage.

The cramping got worse and worse as the 2 days went on, and by Sunday I was feeling so miserable. I had a concert to do Sunday evening on the way home and Scott was meeting us on the way home to bring me to this. I somehow made it through singing, and on our way home I kept telling Scott to pull over because I had a strange feeling like I had to push something out and needed to go to the bathroom. We stopped at a convenience store and when I got in there I was "pushing" and heard a plop....in the toilet was a blood clot with gray-ish blob in it. Call it a woman's instinct, but I knew what it was. I felt numb all over, and just flushed the toilet. I went out to our pick-up and calmly said "I just flushed our baby down the toilet."

It was after all the cramping and bleeding stopped (about 2 weeks later) that I finally started letting myself grieve. But it would be years before I fully grieved over it all (and many more miscarriages). This was a time in our marriage that we didn't need an added stress. It was around this time that I really dove into my counseling so that I could get past everything. By the end of the year I was able to work on our marriage and life started getting better. It was also time to start going to a Dr. for help in getting pregnant.

I guess I'll stop at this point, the next part adds a new twist to our lives that nobody expected. I know at this point things sound so hopeless and depressing, but I promise that once we get past all this, you will see all the hope and faith that these trials brought to us.

to be continued....