When I Grow Up

I've been wondering a lot today what I want to be when I grow up. Yes, I know, I'm almost 30 so shouldn't I be grown up enough? Obviously not. I feel so restless where we are. I love people in our community, I really like my job, and I love having a house that we don't pay rent or payments on....but I just want more.

I feel like we go through everyday just "getting by" and that doesn't seem right. Ok, so we can't have a baby...now what? Ok, so the system won't let us adopt again...now what? We feel excluded from our community...and to be honest I have only 1 real close friend here...and we only have time for once a week or even once every two weeks. I usually get away and get my "different life" fix by going to eastern Kansas...but I don't even have time to do that lately. And to be honest when I call them I've found that they are usually busy and don't have time to chat...so I kinda quit making the effort.

I have started a new relationship with someone who I've found I can call at 3:00 am and she will answer and let me cry. In fact for awhile we were chatting about twice a day. I love having someone to talk to when I need them...but then I feel so guilty that it kills that too. I just don't have answers.

I really, really need something more in my life right now, but I can't figure out what it is. Am I restless? Is there a hole somewhere in my life that needs filled? What's up? Why don't I feel like my life is being fulfilled? I've been searching in different places to see what it is that I need. I've tried getting organized...doesn't make me feel any better, just more organized. I've tried doing more things for Scott and Martie. Things such as making better meals, keeping the cupboards stocked better, getting the dishes done sooner...but I'm just getting filled up with good food.

So, my question still goes unanswered....What am I supposed to be when I grow up?