Battle Raging

I have found that I can pretty much say whatever I need to on here....I think I'm the only one who reads it. But it makes me feel better to get it out. So I guess here goes the post for myself.

I'm struggling today. I can feel a battle raging internally with me. I have negative feelings battling with positive feelings and I'm really not sure which ones I'm rooting for.

I would love to tell you that I want the positive feelings to win, but the negative feelings are so strong at this point that I just want to let them take over. But there's something that won't let me give in to them. And deep down, somewhere, I know that I can't let them win.

On one hand I'm trying to grieve with joy (how does that happen?) but yet I want to be angry with the world and with life. I want to give in and say that I am just not blessed like others....but then where is the promise of God in all that? I want to say that I have a great and wonderful purpose...but it seems as if all that I try, I fail at.

Can you see the battle raging? I know I need to fight for the positive, but I just can't see past the negative at this point.

I see so many others with tremendous gifts and talents. With so many friends that surround them. And then there's me. I sing...but with nowhere to sing, what's this gift for? I have a couple acquaintances and even a couple that I'd like to call close friends...but I don't have much in common with them. I'm the only one I know that does not know what it's like to be pregnant or have a baby or young child. All I know is a teenager...and even then, I have been ridiculed that we stepped out of God's will to adopt her.

Believe me...I want to believe all the good. But may I quote a movie that I really like? "The bad stuff is harder to believe." (Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman) Sometimes this is really how I feel.

I'm sorry that this is such a negative post...but until this battle is won, I'm stuck in the middle of the fight and I'm so tired. I'm so, so tired.