What I've learned

Being on this end of things with Scott, I've learned a lot about what people can really do to help someone feel better. I want you all to really think about this. God is teaching me this as well, because I have not always been doing well at this myself. But I can tell you from now on I will do my best to do this to others going through tough situations. 

-if you say "what can I do to help" or "let me know if I can do anything" you NEED to follow through. If you know you can't follow through, please don't say it. 

-if a person is in the hospital, as long as they are up for visitors, please visit them. When Scott's been in the hospital he usually doesn't get many visitors and that makes him feel utterly alone. Don't be afraid to ask if the person is up for visitors. This is so important because you are there only contact with the outside world. 

-please don't neglect to ask the caregiver how they are doing....and they might tell you they are doing ok or they may "erupt" on you. Also keep in mind that even if they say they are fine, they may not be fine underneath the mask. 

- ask the caregiver to do something fun. In a lot of cases, their life revolves around the person they care for and from experience they can feel unappreciated for everything they do. Just make sure you pay some attention to them.....most of their life is about the ones around them. 

-with cancer like Scott's, there are good times and bad times, but remember that they still need support when things are going good. They may not talk about the cancer all the time, but the cancer never leaves their mind. They are looking it in right in the face everyday. These would be good times to ask them if they are doing ok. There may be days it's just a mask they are putting on. 

-a person going through a situation like cancer or anything that is shaking their faith to the core, does not want to hear the cliche sayings. They know that "God has a plan" and all those other "feely good" sayings but they don't want to hear them in the thick of things. Sometimes the best thing you can say is just your silent presence. 

-please don't second guess a decision that they have made (whether the caregiver or the "patient"). And definitely don't try and tell them what to do or make decisions for them. Life is already out of control for them, and these decisions are some if the only control they have....and they know what they need much better than someone outside of the situation. If they need advice, they will ask you. 

-also remember that they don't want to always be reminded of their situation. They know what the situation is so talk about other things as well. They just might interested in what you're doing. They would like life to be as normal as possible. 

-I don't know how many people are like me, but I'm very strong in the middle of a situation and I fall apart when it's all over. So be there for that person if they're the type that's going to fall apart after the situation is all said and done. This is a time when they're going to feel the most alone. 

-if you know someone with a terminal illness, please don't complain about petty life issues (aka drama) you may be dealing with, to them or the family. We understand that in your life it may seem huge, but to those of us who know we will be facing death (or the death of a family member) much sooner than we want to, we just might explode with rage if you start complaining about these kinds of issues. We know you must have someone else to vent to for that. 

-please remember that our emotions don't always make sense...even to us. Please allow us the opportunity to be angry, sad, upset, even a little crazy at times. We may even make jokes at what seem to be inappropriate times. I've had a time that I started sharing very overly sarcastic Facebook statuses that really confused people. There was nothing wrong with me, I just was so stressed that I went "crazy" for a day. (I might add that there were a lot if people at the time doing exactly what I'm saying not to do in this post. This was where I learned a lot of these suggestions)