Wanting Baby John

I didn't realize how waiting for a baby makes you learn patience. I know it's 9 months of waiting (in our case only about 5 months) but this last month is about to drive me insane.

I didn't realize how bad I wanted to hold my little guy. Sometimes my arms literally ache for him. But I've tried to spend my time either cleaning, or cross-stitching for my little man.

The girls are so excited for him to come. I think they are feeling the frustration as well. They come home from school and ask if there's any news on John. Everyday that I have to tell them "no news" I see their faces drop just a bit. I think we are all ready to meet John.

Even Scott has went from being totally careful, to allowing some hope to creep in. He now talks about the future with "Little John" and that just warms my heart. I had my moments where I thought I was the only one keeping my hopes up. But it is a tough situation, so I can't blame anyone for wanting to be careful about it. There is still a slight possibility that the birth mother may change her mind, but I'm gonna pray that it doesn't happen.

I've also been thinking about things from her side. If someone asked me to give up my girls I don't think I could do it. My heart would break and I think I would literally die with grief. So why would I sit here and pray that this woman make a choice that would break her heart? Am I really that selfish of a woman? To wish so much pain on a woman because my arms want to hold a baby?

Don't get me wrong, I plan on adopting this baby. But I've just been trying to see the other side and be very careful about the birth mothers feelings. I can also see that she doesn't have the means to care for this baby. She has stated this to me many times.

It just goes to show how complicated adoption can be. This baby will grow up knowing that the woman who carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him and handed him over to us. Here's what I plan to say to him: "Just because your mommy who carried you in her tummy gave you to us, doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. She loved you so, so much that she wanted you to have a life that she couldn't give you. Don't think she didn't love you, think how much she does love you."

I pray everyday that John will grow up with joy knowing what was involved in the adoption. Not resentment or anger, but love for a woman who loved him enough to sacrifice for him.

Life's Not Perfect

I had a bad day today. I don't say this because I want this post to be a "oh, woe is me.....pity me" kind of post. I want to share my day because even though it was a bad "earthly" day, I saw God work a small miracle in my life.

I've been sharing the past couple days about some lessons God has shared after my "encounter" weekend. I'll admit that since my weekend with God, there's been a big change in me. My husband and girls have noticed such a big difference in me that they make comments to me how different I am.

But do not be deceived. This doesn't mean my life has suddenly become perfect. I still falter, I still make mistakes. My change is the biggest in my attitude and my anger. I used to blow up at every little thing (and cussing was a part of it too) and then I would let my attitude be stinky for extended periods of time. I still have bouts of anger (for good reason sometimes), but not once have I cussed since my weekend. And like today, I may have rough days (and believe me I've had a few doozies since then) but they don't seem to last.

Ok, back to my day. I had some hurtful words spoken to me. They were not spoken on purpose and the person didn't even realize that they were going to hurt me. In fact, they spoke out of some physical pain and in some weird way I think they were trying to pay me a compliment. A few other things happened after that. Normally these other things would not bother me, but when you've had a hurt, there's already a wound and it's very easy for someone to pour salt on a wound without meaning it.

Normally, I would have blown up at these people. I would have cussed, yelled, thrown a pity party, and then put a post on facebook about how "insensitive some people are". But I didn't. I had an hour drive home after these hurts (and grocery shopping) and I spent the time just crying out to God. I literally was crying(sobbing) and praying. Telling God how alone I felt and that I just needed Him. That I didn't like feeling like this and I don't want it to control my life and to please take it away. Can you imagine how this looked to the people passing me...cause I was only going 62 on the highway?

By the time I got to Scott City (1/2 an hour into my trip home) I was already feeling better. In fact, I was feeling better enough to share with one of those that had said words at the wrong time to me. I was able to explain my feelings and why I was hurt and that it was not them, it was just the timing of it all.

Lesson for today: It's ok if you feel hurt when things are said or done. God never told us we had to be doormats. We are even allowed to be angry about things. It's when we take it too far and let it control us that it gets out of hand. If you can cry out to God and let Him truly have it, He WILL take it away.

Adoption

The second day back from my "encounter" God did a similar thing that He did on my first morning. I didn't have a vision, but I did have a moment where God taught me through a life experience and His Word.

I woke up the same way, with God on my mind first thing (which I have found is the best way to wake up). My very second thought, which occurred within moments of waking up was of my two girls. My girls are adopted. I was overwhelmed with this love that I have for them. That I would give my life for them if need be. That I would defend them tooth and nail if I have to. This miraculous love for children that I did not grow within my womb, that I didn't even meet until they were teenagers. He then confirmed how much He loved an orphan like me and chose to adopt me.

There are verses in the Bible that tell us about taking care of orphans, but above that there are verses in which God tells us that we are His adopted children. God created the concept of being adopted.

Here are a couple verses about how we are orphans:

"For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, 'Abba, Father.'" Romans 8:14-16

"But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons." Galatians 4:4-6

"And I chose you to be My child from the beginning of time." 2 Thessalonians 2:13

"But we should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth." 2 Thessalonians 2:13

"He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved." Ephesians 1:5-6

God adopts us as His own. The love He has for us is an awesome and powerful love. His love is so powerful that we can't even truly love someone without His love in us.

1 John 4:19 says, "We love because He first loved us."

I love the idea that I was a chosen person. That He chose to love me when He didn't have to. I am a sinner, a lowly sinner. But He loved me so much that He sent His son to die on the cross for me that I might live eternally with Him. (John 3:16-17)

Are you ready to be adopted, dear orphan of this world?

I promised pics of the nursery awhile ago. Here they are:

Names for the stars

When I woke up that first Monday morning after my 'encounter' weekend, God gave me a vision...literally a vision. I laid in bed and was fully awake as God showed me a night sky full of twinkling stars. One small group of stars caught my eye. It was 3 stars in a triangle shape. Gods voice came from this sky asking me to look at these stars. "See that star there" he said referring to the brightest star in the triangle. "This is the star with your name on it." At that moment a shooting star shot right through the middle of the triangle. Then the vision was over.

I asked my husband that morning if there were verses in the Bible that said something about stars and names.He said he didn't know but to look it up in his concordance. I actually ended up searching the Internet and found a couple verses about how God gives each star a name and how much more important we are than stars in the heavens. The verses I found were:

"He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name." Psalm 147:4

"Lift your eyes up on high and see who has created these stars, The One who leads forth their host by number, He calls them all by name; because of the greatness of His might, and the strength of His power, not one of them is missing." Isaiah 40:26

This got me to thinking about the parable of the lost sheep in Luke 15. How the shepherd will leave 99 sheep to go find that one lost sheep. Not one of the stars goes missing, therefore God won't "lose"any of us. He wants to go find you. Will you let Him lead you home?

Humble new beginnings

I sit here at my computer a very humbled woman. I just spent the last little bit reading my old blog (waiting for a blessing). It's crazy to see what God was trying to do in my life and then what I allowed Him to do and kept Him from doing. I truly believe that it was all a process to get me to where I am today, but it was very hard to see my lack of faith.

As I sat here reading, I felt like I was reading the story of someone else besides myself. I wanted to reach through the computer screen and shake this strange person sharing my life story with such negativity. Yes, life has been rough at times, but that doesn't mean that God wasn't working. I could see as I read, the evidence of His working in everything. Scott's cancer, our infertility, the loss of babies, and the joy of becoming parents to Martie. God's work is woven through it all.

There's nothing wrong with being tired, a little depressed or overwhelmed, or any other feelings. But I am glad that I don't sit here letting it all take over my life. I admit, I was a bit embarrassed to read about this strange woman who had daily pity parties. Where was the contentment? Where was the true Joy of the Lord that I "claimed" to have at times? But in the past month things have truly changed with me.

I can only put the blame for that change on God Himself. I gave it all to Him, nailed it on the cross , and He made me a new woman. A changed, forgiven, and free woman. Life will still be tough at times. And with two teenagers in the house and a baby on the way it's sometimes very tough. But I spend time reading His word and praying almost everyday...I'm still not perfect you know. Lol! I can't do this life without Him. He is the source of my true joy!

I want from this point on, to be able to come back and read this blog and see the confidence that I had in God. To see the evidence of His work with no doubts about how He went about it. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He has never left me or forsaken me. I could sit here right now and make a list of all my blessings and not be done with that list for weeks and weeks. And here's a challenge to you (as well as me): Think of what you thanked God for yesterday....what would you have woken up with today if He took everything away except what you thanked Him for yesterday? Are we truly thanking Him for what He does?

I end this post as I started it...sitting here as a humble woman, knowing that all I have is from God and it's my job to give it all back to Him as an offering.

"I love you, Lord
and I lift my voice,
to worship you.
Oh, my soul, rejoice.
Take joy my King,
in what you hear.
May it be a sweet,
sweet sound in Your ear."

Almost there!

We are almost parents to a little baby. A baby boy!!!! The birth mom is 36 weeks this week. She has been having some preterm labor but has kept him in this far. We are so ready to welcome our John William into the world. I can't wait to post pictures for everyone to see. :)

Just wanted to update everyone quick. I will add pictures of the nursery tomorrow.

God bless!