Exactly one year ago, we were sitting on the edge of our seats wondering when a baby boy would make his appearance. We were also sitting on the edge of our seats because we didn't know if the baby boy would really be our baby boy. It was a time of great stress for our family (immediate and extended) as we waited. We knew we had to plan some things, but yet had to be ready for the news that our sons birth mother might not choose to give him to us. That we might need to un-decorate a nursery, sell baby items, and grieve yet another loss.
I remember when I first got the phone call that told us to call a woman who wanted to give her baby up for adoption to a nice Christian couple. I remember a few weeks later driving to Garden City to meet her in person. Hoping with all my heart that this could be the woman carrying my precious gift from God, that I had waited years to get. I remember being so nervous and wanting to make a good impression. My heart was pounding, my hands were sweaty, and Scott told me I was doing my nervous giggle. I knew the ball was in her court and I prayed that we would be the ones she chose to raise the baby she was carrying.
When we got there, if you looked really close, you could see she was starting to show. As much as I tried to be polite, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her belly, the home of a tiny baby that just might make its home in my arms in a few months. We asked each other questions, surface talk really. Then she pulled out the sonogram picture. Oh....if she had known what that picture was doing to my insides. Contrary to what my husband (and my brain) told me, I fell in love with that baby on the spot. My arms immediately ached to hold this tiny bundle. Now what would I do? She could easily send us away without a second thought...and my heart had just been stolen by a picture of a barely human-looking creature.
As left the apartment, she said one phrase that would change my life forever. "I think you guys are the parents I want to raise my baby." At the moment I knew that whatever her choice would end up being, my life would never be the same. It would either be filled with unending joy (and exhaustion) or it would be filled with the heartache of one more loss. One single moment, one single phrase, one singe picture, and life was different.
The months following were filled with drs appts, text messages, a few phone calls. Always trying (and failing) not to get too close, not to fall too much in love. In July we had a second sonogram that told us the baby was a boy. I fell in love even more, knowing that Scott and the girls wanted the baby to be a boy. But I knew that if this woman changed her mind now, it would break not only my heart, but the hearts of everyone in my family.
I know I had that "expectant mother glow", and as excited as people were for us, I was warned on numerous occasions not to get my hopes up too high. I knew my heart had to keep hoping. Hope was the only thing that had gotten me to this point. So many times, while we were trying to have our own baby, I was so close to losing my hope. But I just felt in my heart that this baby boy was gonna be mine. So I defended my position to decorate the nursery, buy cute baby boy outfits, and plan the future of my little boy. My family told me they just couldn't bear to see me get my heart broken one more time. They said to be careful and not put my heart into it yet....but little did they know that my heart was in it from the first day. My heart would be broken whether I decorated a nursery or not.
As July turned to August, we knew the time was getting closer. I received texts almost everyday about braxton hicks contractions that kept feeling a little more like the real thing. We knew everyday brought us closer to the day of Johns arrival, and some days it about killed me to have to wait one more day. But after almost 9 years of waiting, 6 weeks wasn't much at all, I tried to remind myself. :)
And now, it's 6 weeks from a day that I thought would take forever to get here. I mean, the 4 month wait for John to be born seemed to take forever...so I just knew that a whole year would take even longer to get here. But in what seemed to be a shorter time span than the wait for him, it's almost time to celebrate one year from the day John William was born; another moment that changed our lives forever (but I'll leave that story for another post).
Every moment of our lives is something that can change our lives, for better or worse. And every change in our lives happens in a moment (a year really only takes a moment).
Friday, August 9, 2013
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Learning to be Content
Last night went much better than the night before. I'm not sure if it was the tylenol/motrin and the benadryl we gave John every so many hours or if he just was so exhausted. I'll be honest my husband broke down yesterday evening and called his parents to come stay with John for a few hours so we could get some rest. It was a big deal for me to have my in-laws over at my house when it was a total disaster area. I had to let my pride go...no I had to kick my pride out of the house.
But it was a good evening. They took John for a drive to try and relax him, and we got some rest in. I didn't sleep, but I took the time to have a movie/snack date with Lizzy in the back bedroom (on an air mattress). She gets so neglected in these sleepless/busy with John times. That's why I felt it was necessary to spend some one-on-one time with her instead of sleeping.
It didn't go over very well with my husband. He was certain that all I needed was sleep, which is a good thing too, but as a mom I just can't sleep well if I know one of my children is feeling neglected. But it worked out, cause Scott took a bit of a nap and then was able to take some of the early night shift while I got to sleep for a bit. It's all good!
I know I'll miss John being this age when he's older, but I gotta be honest that I won't miss the nights of little or no sleep. I do try on a daily basis to enjoy the good things. It's like that country song "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins. When you're in the moment you tend to see the bad things of the situation you're in now and you want to get on to the next thing in life. Each time we go from situation to situation, we look back and miss what we had, see the bad in where we are, and want to go on to the next thing....and the cycle just continues. That's why God wants us to be content where we are. Even if things aren't the best, there are always good things going on at the moment.
Another song that comes to mind is "It Won't Be Like This For Long" by Darius Rucker. Maybe that one fits even better than the other song. But I guess the lesson here would be the same in that we need to be content where God has us now. The Bible even talks about being content in whatever circumstance.
Philippians 4:11-12
Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.
I will work on being content even when I have a screaming, won't go to sleep baby.
But it was a good evening. They took John for a drive to try and relax him, and we got some rest in. I didn't sleep, but I took the time to have a movie/snack date with Lizzy in the back bedroom (on an air mattress). She gets so neglected in these sleepless/busy with John times. That's why I felt it was necessary to spend some one-on-one time with her instead of sleeping.
It didn't go over very well with my husband. He was certain that all I needed was sleep, which is a good thing too, but as a mom I just can't sleep well if I know one of my children is feeling neglected. But it worked out, cause Scott took a bit of a nap and then was able to take some of the early night shift while I got to sleep for a bit. It's all good!
I know I'll miss John being this age when he's older, but I gotta be honest that I won't miss the nights of little or no sleep. I do try on a daily basis to enjoy the good things. It's like that country song "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins. When you're in the moment you tend to see the bad things of the situation you're in now and you want to get on to the next thing in life. Each time we go from situation to situation, we look back and miss what we had, see the bad in where we are, and want to go on to the next thing....and the cycle just continues. That's why God wants us to be content where we are. Even if things aren't the best, there are always good things going on at the moment.
Another song that comes to mind is "It Won't Be Like This For Long" by Darius Rucker. Maybe that one fits even better than the other song. But I guess the lesson here would be the same in that we need to be content where God has us now. The Bible even talks about being content in whatever circumstance.
Philippians 4:11-12
Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.
I will work on being content even when I have a screaming, won't go to sleep baby.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Temporary (we hope) Insanity
So I just had a pretty good breakdown in my own home. I had my baby boy sleeping (finally...after a night of very very little sleep) and the girl I'm babysitting for (who is 2) started throwing a fit and screaming, which woke up my finally sleeping baby. If you have ever been in the situation you know that it's very frustrating to finally get a child sleeping just to have him/her woke up and then not go back to sleep once again. So I did what any rational, clear-thinking, sleep-deprived, "had-it-up-to-here" mom would do. I lost it! As in, I took the dog dish (with food and water in it) and threw it all over the floor. I happened to have a container of frosted mini wheats on the counter....which ended up on the floor. All while I was "calmly" telling my children that I wanted to trash the house as much as possible. I was able to stop myself just short of tipping the dvd shelves over onto the living room floor. Ok, not my best moment and actually a first for me in my journey of mommy-hood. I used to have a pretty good temper, and I've honestly done very well in keeping this temper in check, for quite a few years. Until now......
There were multiple facctors leading up to this embarrasing moment, but I think the biggest would be the lack of sleep that my husband and I have been getting. I don't think many parents can say that they get less sleep when their child is 10 months old than they did when their child was a newborn. We question what we are doing wrong, what did we do to deserve a child who won't sleep, what is wrong with him, does he have an illness we aren't aware of? We've been to the dr multiple times, we started going to the chiropractor, we've tried medicines, all the tips and tricks told to us by veteran parents; and nothing seems to help.
Here's how bad our nights can be at times (such as last night): We try to get John to sleep at night by 8:30 or so. But on nights like these, he fights sleep to the death. He finally "passes out" about 11:00-11:30 and then he will only sleep for 20-30 min increments. When he wakes up, it's a fight to get him back to sleep and when we finally do, it's only another 20-30 minutes before we know we will be doing it all over again. And some nights, like last night, he will pick a time like 4:30 in the morning to decide to be awake for good. It gets tough. These rough nights that go like this usually include John not wanting a bottle, and then crying as if in pain. We just don't know what to do for him. We try rocking him, cuddling him, bringing him outside in the cool air, teething meds, pain meds...and just about everything else people have suggested. We've tried in our bed, in his playpen, in his crib, in a cradle, in his carseat, on the couch, on the floor, in the recliner, we've even tried driving him around in the car and none of them really work. We've tried dressing him in warm jammie's, cooler jammies, no jammies, blanket, sheet, no blanket, fan, no fan, lights, no lights....and nothing seems to help.
I have always wanted to be a mommy, and becoming a mommy was a long, hard journey that didn't go in any way like I dreamed and planned it. But being a mommy hasn't gone the way I imagined it either. I never imagined that I would start with teenage girls, one of whom seems to disappear off the face of the planet most of the time now that she's moved out. Or that my daughters would come with so much baggage that we struggle on a daily basis with emotions and things that trigger unpleasant moods. I really never planned on having a baby boy that would struggle in the way of sleep; who can be the happiest baby one moment and screaming the next.
I am blessed....I know that I'm blessed. It's just that some days I have to remind myself how blessed I truly am. I wonder sometimes if I'm the only mom out there that just has those days when nothing seems to go right; those days that life kicks your butt and then knocks you on it. But my kids can't be that abnormal that I would be the only one. There's gotta be moms out there having the same kind of day that I am. A day when all your brain can think to do is pour the dog food and cereal on the floor.
Hold on, fellow Mommy's! Motherhood is a rough road. It's the toughest job out there. But God has called us to do this tough job. He wouldn't have asked us to do it if He thought we couldn't. This is when we gotta rely solely on Him. Only He can help us raise our children (and keep us from going insane...most days).
Now that I've vented and calmed down, I think I will go thank my 15 year old, who recognized that I had just had a very intimate dance with temporary insanity, tried to vocally calm me down with soothing words, then when that didn't work she calmly pulled out the vacuum and cleaned up the mess, and then took the two kids to the back bedroom while I had a chance to cool down. Just pray with me that God can use a mess like me to still be an example to my children who watch me come close to insanity everyday.
There were multiple facctors leading up to this embarrasing moment, but I think the biggest would be the lack of sleep that my husband and I have been getting. I don't think many parents can say that they get less sleep when their child is 10 months old than they did when their child was a newborn. We question what we are doing wrong, what did we do to deserve a child who won't sleep, what is wrong with him, does he have an illness we aren't aware of? We've been to the dr multiple times, we started going to the chiropractor, we've tried medicines, all the tips and tricks told to us by veteran parents; and nothing seems to help.
Here's how bad our nights can be at times (such as last night): We try to get John to sleep at night by 8:30 or so. But on nights like these, he fights sleep to the death. He finally "passes out" about 11:00-11:30 and then he will only sleep for 20-30 min increments. When he wakes up, it's a fight to get him back to sleep and when we finally do, it's only another 20-30 minutes before we know we will be doing it all over again. And some nights, like last night, he will pick a time like 4:30 in the morning to decide to be awake for good. It gets tough. These rough nights that go like this usually include John not wanting a bottle, and then crying as if in pain. We just don't know what to do for him. We try rocking him, cuddling him, bringing him outside in the cool air, teething meds, pain meds...and just about everything else people have suggested. We've tried in our bed, in his playpen, in his crib, in a cradle, in his carseat, on the couch, on the floor, in the recliner, we've even tried driving him around in the car and none of them really work. We've tried dressing him in warm jammie's, cooler jammies, no jammies, blanket, sheet, no blanket, fan, no fan, lights, no lights....and nothing seems to help.
I have always wanted to be a mommy, and becoming a mommy was a long, hard journey that didn't go in any way like I dreamed and planned it. But being a mommy hasn't gone the way I imagined it either. I never imagined that I would start with teenage girls, one of whom seems to disappear off the face of the planet most of the time now that she's moved out. Or that my daughters would come with so much baggage that we struggle on a daily basis with emotions and things that trigger unpleasant moods. I really never planned on having a baby boy that would struggle in the way of sleep; who can be the happiest baby one moment and screaming the next.
I am blessed....I know that I'm blessed. It's just that some days I have to remind myself how blessed I truly am. I wonder sometimes if I'm the only mom out there that just has those days when nothing seems to go right; those days that life kicks your butt and then knocks you on it. But my kids can't be that abnormal that I would be the only one. There's gotta be moms out there having the same kind of day that I am. A day when all your brain can think to do is pour the dog food and cereal on the floor.
Hold on, fellow Mommy's! Motherhood is a rough road. It's the toughest job out there. But God has called us to do this tough job. He wouldn't have asked us to do it if He thought we couldn't. This is when we gotta rely solely on Him. Only He can help us raise our children (and keep us from going insane...most days).
Now that I've vented and calmed down, I think I will go thank my 15 year old, who recognized that I had just had a very intimate dance with temporary insanity, tried to vocally calm me down with soothing words, then when that didn't work she calmly pulled out the vacuum and cleaned up the mess, and then took the two kids to the back bedroom while I had a chance to cool down. Just pray with me that God can use a mess like me to still be an example to my children who watch me come close to insanity everyday.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Busy, busy time
So I finally updated my profile picture and some of my information on my profile. I can't believe that the picture I had was still from 2009 and I had on there that Scott and I had been married for only 6 years. That means I was almost 4 years behind on some information on my profile. Crazy how fast time goes and how quickly things change in life.
We got back from our vacation and are now preparing to leave again on Friday for one more trip. My niece is graduating from high school and we just can't miss that. But I am ready to be home for awhile.
In two weeks I also have a concert in Garden City. It's my annual Stevens Park concert and I love doing it. I've been doing these concerts for like 15 years now. Wait...am I really old enough to have been doing something like this for that long? I'm getting old!!!! :)
After the next trip and before my concert we will move Martie out of the house. I can't believe that she's actually old enough to be moving out of the house and will be starting her life as an adult very soon. How time flies.
After all of that going on, things finally settle down as far as traveling, singing, and moving. Then I get to move on to the fun of fixing up the house. We will be moving some rooms around and doing some painting. I love doing this kind of stuff to our house. It's like getting a new house...or the closest thing to it for the moment.
I hope to have a bit more time to blog and keep things updated once things slow down. But then again, we have an 8 month old crawling all over our house, so I don't know that things will really "slow down". But one can only hope.
We got back from our vacation and are now preparing to leave again on Friday for one more trip. My niece is graduating from high school and we just can't miss that. But I am ready to be home for awhile.
In two weeks I also have a concert in Garden City. It's my annual Stevens Park concert and I love doing it. I've been doing these concerts for like 15 years now. Wait...am I really old enough to have been doing something like this for that long? I'm getting old!!!! :)
After the next trip and before my concert we will move Martie out of the house. I can't believe that she's actually old enough to be moving out of the house and will be starting her life as an adult very soon. How time flies.
After all of that going on, things finally settle down as far as traveling, singing, and moving. Then I get to move on to the fun of fixing up the house. We will be moving some rooms around and doing some painting. I love doing this kind of stuff to our house. It's like getting a new house...or the closest thing to it for the moment.
I hope to have a bit more time to blog and keep things updated once things slow down. But then again, we have an 8 month old crawling all over our house, so I don't know that things will really "slow down". But one can only hope.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Vacation
We've had such a good time on our vacation. It was a good choice to come to Michigan to see my husbands brother and wife. They are so good to us while we are here. They drive us around to what we want to see and they don't complain that we take up all their time. It's also been very refreshing as we haven't stayed busy the whole time. We have had plenty of downtime and relaxing.
We went to the mall yesterday and just had a good time. Today we went to Shipshewana, Indiana, which is Amish country. We saw amish stores, people, horses and buggies, and so much more. We went on a buggy ride, went to some farms that have stores that sell their products...the popcorn farm, the cheese factory, and a honey farm. We went there a few years ago when we were up here on a vacation and it was great to have Lizzy experience it.
Tomorrow we plan to go to the zoo and to a place called Craigs Cruisers (it's like a family fun place with lots to do). It will be nice after today to have a day close to their home and not as crazy and rushed as today was.
It's also been really neat to experience Johns first vacation ever. I know he won't remember any of it, but we have plenty of pictures we will share with him. He has been such a good baby this whole time (even on the planes and in the airports).
I love our yearly vacation time. I've always loved to travel, to experience new places, new food, and see new sights. I don't think I will ever stop enjoying this. I want Scott and I to be the retired couple that just travels all over the country having a good old time!
We went to the mall yesterday and just had a good time. Today we went to Shipshewana, Indiana, which is Amish country. We saw amish stores, people, horses and buggies, and so much more. We went on a buggy ride, went to some farms that have stores that sell their products...the popcorn farm, the cheese factory, and a honey farm. We went there a few years ago when we were up here on a vacation and it was great to have Lizzy experience it.
Tomorrow we plan to go to the zoo and to a place called Craigs Cruisers (it's like a family fun place with lots to do). It will be nice after today to have a day close to their home and not as crazy and rushed as today was.
It's also been really neat to experience Johns first vacation ever. I know he won't remember any of it, but we have plenty of pictures we will share with him. He has been such a good baby this whole time (even on the planes and in the airports).
I love our yearly vacation time. I've always loved to travel, to experience new places, new food, and see new sights. I don't think I will ever stop enjoying this. I want Scott and I to be the retired couple that just travels all over the country having a good old time!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Endings and beginnings
This weekend Scott and I, once again, embark on a new journey in life. We are about to learn what it means to be parents to a child that no longer goes to school, a child that has her own ideas about life; and in just a short couple weeks, a child who doesn't live at home. This is a tougher role to take on than I thought it would be. I find myself being a bit of a control freak and I worry constantly (already)about the decisions that she will make. I guess we just hope we did most of the right things and that she knows how to be a productive adult in society.
One of my biggest worries is that she will get out there (oh, and she is living with her birth dad when she moves out) and she'll decide never to see us again. I don't know if this feeling is normal, but it would kill me if she decided to make my worst fears a reality. There's more to this story than I can share on here that makes my fears a bit more legitimate, but I can't go into it on here.
Of course on the other hand we will be starting a journey with our middle daughter that we do understand...and that would be high school. We know whats involved in that. Lets see how this next 4 years goes with our 2nd child. I hope it's a bit less stressful than the last 4 years.
And then there's John and his whole life has been a new journey for us. So I guess we have learned that new journeys can be fun and exciting even in the midst of the uncertainty. So I can see how our newest journey might be a bit exciting and maybe even a bit fun. Fun in the way of seeing our oldest child make something of herself in the world. To follow her dreams and make them come true.
So here's to embarking on our new adventures in life.
One of my biggest worries is that she will get out there (oh, and she is living with her birth dad when she moves out) and she'll decide never to see us again. I don't know if this feeling is normal, but it would kill me if she decided to make my worst fears a reality. There's more to this story than I can share on here that makes my fears a bit more legitimate, but I can't go into it on here.
Of course on the other hand we will be starting a journey with our middle daughter that we do understand...and that would be high school. We know whats involved in that. Lets see how this next 4 years goes with our 2nd child. I hope it's a bit less stressful than the last 4 years.
And then there's John and his whole life has been a new journey for us. So I guess we have learned that new journeys can be fun and exciting even in the midst of the uncertainty. So I can see how our newest journey might be a bit exciting and maybe even a bit fun. Fun in the way of seeing our oldest child make something of herself in the world. To follow her dreams and make them come true.
So here's to embarking on our new adventures in life.
Friday, May 10, 2013
New ministry and a busy life
So I've added a ministry to my life in the past couple months besides my singing. The one thing I've always disliked doing and felt that I wasn't any good at.....I've become a speaker! I went to my 3rd women's encounter at the end of April (my 2nd that I've spoken at) and it was even more of a blessing than the other one I spoke at. I added a teaching as well as doing my testimony. I could really feel God moving through the place as I watched the Holy Spirit speaking to the ladies at the encounter. What an awesome weekend full of healing and freedom.
I plan to go back to my next encounter in July and I can't wait. And not only is God using me at these encounters as a server and a speaker, but I am actually speaking at my church this Sunday for mothers day. I love how God is taking me outside my comfort zone and then using me in ways that even I never thought. I still plan to sing, but I also plan to keep the speaking up. I guess the saying is true, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." Totally true!!!
It's been very busy in our family besides singing and speaking. We are getting ready for graduation and family vacation...all coming up within 2 weeks. Martie is graduating from high school and Lizzy is graduating from 8th grade. We are planning the party and trying to figure out graduation gifts for the girls as well as the others we've gotten announcements from. It's crazy busy, but good.
I'm excited for our vacation, too. It will be the first time on a plane for all our kids. Martie and Lizzy are scared about it, but it will be fun. We are going to Michigan to visit Scott's brother and his wife. They have not met Lizzy or John yet. We were there in 2010, so it's been a few years since we've seen them. Last time we went on a train, so it will be fun experiencing going on a plane.
Our baby is now almost 8 months old. Can you believe it!? He is crawling all over (army crawling), saying a few words (dada, ba, and I swear yesterday he tried to say dog but it came out "doook"). He is wearing pretty much only 12 month clothes, so he's a big boy. He's almost 20 pounds and he's probably about 29 inches long. He tries to pull himself up to furniture and he's almost there, he just needs a little help to get up. It's been amazing to watch him grow and learn things. He is so smiley and he loves kisses. He will "ask" for a kiss by opening his mouth, grabbing my cheeks or hair and kissing me right on the mouth. But I love every slobbery kiss he ever gives.
So it's been a very good year for us so far. Time just keeps going by so fast, so we try to cherish every moment of it. What a blessing God gives our family each day as we celebrate life together.
I plan to go back to my next encounter in July and I can't wait. And not only is God using me at these encounters as a server and a speaker, but I am actually speaking at my church this Sunday for mothers day. I love how God is taking me outside my comfort zone and then using me in ways that even I never thought. I still plan to sing, but I also plan to keep the speaking up. I guess the saying is true, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." Totally true!!!
It's been very busy in our family besides singing and speaking. We are getting ready for graduation and family vacation...all coming up within 2 weeks. Martie is graduating from high school and Lizzy is graduating from 8th grade. We are planning the party and trying to figure out graduation gifts for the girls as well as the others we've gotten announcements from. It's crazy busy, but good.
I'm excited for our vacation, too. It will be the first time on a plane for all our kids. Martie and Lizzy are scared about it, but it will be fun. We are going to Michigan to visit Scott's brother and his wife. They have not met Lizzy or John yet. We were there in 2010, so it's been a few years since we've seen them. Last time we went on a train, so it will be fun experiencing going on a plane.
Our baby is now almost 8 months old. Can you believe it!? He is crawling all over (army crawling), saying a few words (dada, ba, and I swear yesterday he tried to say dog but it came out "doook"). He is wearing pretty much only 12 month clothes, so he's a big boy. He's almost 20 pounds and he's probably about 29 inches long. He tries to pull himself up to furniture and he's almost there, he just needs a little help to get up. It's been amazing to watch him grow and learn things. He is so smiley and he loves kisses. He will "ask" for a kiss by opening his mouth, grabbing my cheeks or hair and kissing me right on the mouth. But I love every slobbery kiss he ever gives.
So it's been a very good year for us so far. Time just keeps going by so fast, so we try to cherish every moment of it. What a blessing God gives our family each day as we celebrate life together.
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