Baby Boy

I had to add some pictures. I finally found some time to do it.

"Mommy" and "Mama" as we have dubbed ourselves. I'm mommy and she's mama.

John right after his first bath from the nurse.

She loves him so much. I know that it broke her heart to give him up. But she's a strong woman.

The Happy Family of 5!

This is my favorite picture of John. It's with my Grandpa Jerry. I think that this is the picture that John looks the most like Scott. I'm amazed at how God works things out.

I prayed for some specific things as we were trying for our own baby. I wanted our baby to look just like Scott, have his eyes and hair. I also wanted a calm baby that wasn't overly fussy. I don't remember if there were any other details I prayed about, but God gave me these so far..and it wasn't even through our blood.

If this doesn't prove that there's a God out there, then I just don't know what else could convince someone that we have a loving God.

Bittersweet

So today was bittersweet. The papers got signed by the birth mother. We are overjoyed to have this precious baby for our own. But as we watched this birth mother make her decision, our hearts broke. We know this was the hardest decision of her life.

We went to her room after it was all over just to say thank you and give her a hug. We talked for a few minutes and watched her fight back her tears. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

We walked back to our room which was filled with the joyous celebration of a new family member and couldn't take it anymore. Scott and I both burst into tears and wept over the birth mothers grief. My mom came over and hugged me as I kept repeating "my heart is breaking for her". Scott sat on the bed with tears streaming down one cheek (for obvious reasons).

My girls then each took turns hugging me and I whispered I love you to each. I think my heart breaks because as a mother already I know that I could not ever be strong enough to do what she has done.

I think what makes it so personal is that she and I have gotten close enough that I can truly call her a friend. And my love for this woman runs deep as she gave us one of the greatest gifts a person can give.

I want so many prayers to go up on behalf of this woman who had so much love for her baby that she put her own feelings aside for his good. This is a woman to be honored.

John William is here

John had his own idea of when his birthday would be. Friday, September 21, 2012. He was born at 11:10 am. He weighed 7 lbs 8 oz and was 21 1/2 inches long. I watched him come into the world and then got to cut the cord. I am already madly in love with this sweet baby boy.

He barely cries. His first real cry that I heard was just a bit ago when he decided a small cry would wake mommy enough to feed him. :) When I say small cry, I literally mean small cry.

He's eating about every 3 hours and is not afraid to mess his diaper...especially right after mommy changes it...lol. Oh and he is so far quite a night owl...especially after he just spent all day sleeping through all the visitors.

He and daddy just had some good snuggle time and daddy put him to sleep. Yippee for daddy cause mommy needs more than 2 hours of sleep (in 24 hours) to really function. Welcome to having a newborn.

Overall, even in my "lack-of-sleep" brain, I am filled to overflowing with joy and love. I will try and post pics tomorrow....wait, later today.

Johns Birthdate

My John William has a birthdate! He will be born September 25, 2012. The Dr. decided to induce the birth mom this coming Tuesday. This last little bit has been the hardest wait in the world. This is even worse than waiting to see the results of a pregnancy test.

We are very excited, but still very nervous. There is still the possibility that the birth mom could change her mind after he's born. I think that's what makes the wait so hard. We are waiting on a baby that could end up not being ours. But we are going to think positive and have faith that God will help her make the right choice in the end.

We have things all ready for this little miracle to come into our lives. His room is ready, the carseat is installed, and he has more clothes than a fashion model...lol. We have formula on hand, bottles, wipes, and some diapers (until we get the cloth diapers that we want to use). We have bags packed and the camera always charged. I'm not about to miss any photo opps with this little guy.

It's been a tough road, but we've grown. We've increased our faith, as we've questioned everything we believe. But look at us now, almost 3 kids. Not exactly how we planned it, but it's exactly as God planned it. I think when we have John in our home, our family will be 100% complete.

In less than a week, I will be posting pictures of our beautiful baby boy, so make sure you keep checking for updates Tuesday or Wednesday.

God Bless you all!!!!!

Wanting Baby John

I didn't realize how waiting for a baby makes you learn patience. I know it's 9 months of waiting (in our case only about 5 months) but this last month is about to drive me insane.

I didn't realize how bad I wanted to hold my little guy. Sometimes my arms literally ache for him. But I've tried to spend my time either cleaning, or cross-stitching for my little man.

The girls are so excited for him to come. I think they are feeling the frustration as well. They come home from school and ask if there's any news on John. Everyday that I have to tell them "no news" I see their faces drop just a bit. I think we are all ready to meet John.

Even Scott has went from being totally careful, to allowing some hope to creep in. He now talks about the future with "Little John" and that just warms my heart. I had my moments where I thought I was the only one keeping my hopes up. But it is a tough situation, so I can't blame anyone for wanting to be careful about it. There is still a slight possibility that the birth mother may change her mind, but I'm gonna pray that it doesn't happen.

I've also been thinking about things from her side. If someone asked me to give up my girls I don't think I could do it. My heart would break and I think I would literally die with grief. So why would I sit here and pray that this woman make a choice that would break her heart? Am I really that selfish of a woman? To wish so much pain on a woman because my arms want to hold a baby?

Don't get me wrong, I plan on adopting this baby. But I've just been trying to see the other side and be very careful about the birth mothers feelings. I can also see that she doesn't have the means to care for this baby. She has stated this to me many times.

It just goes to show how complicated adoption can be. This baby will grow up knowing that the woman who carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him and handed him over to us. Here's what I plan to say to him: "Just because your mommy who carried you in her tummy gave you to us, doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. She loved you so, so much that she wanted you to have a life that she couldn't give you. Don't think she didn't love you, think how much she does love you."

I pray everyday that John will grow up with joy knowing what was involved in the adoption. Not resentment or anger, but love for a woman who loved him enough to sacrifice for him.

Life's Not Perfect

I had a bad day today. I don't say this because I want this post to be a "oh, woe is me.....pity me" kind of post. I want to share my day because even though it was a bad "earthly" day, I saw God work a small miracle in my life.

I've been sharing the past couple days about some lessons God has shared after my "encounter" weekend. I'll admit that since my weekend with God, there's been a big change in me. My husband and girls have noticed such a big difference in me that they make comments to me how different I am.

But do not be deceived. This doesn't mean my life has suddenly become perfect. I still falter, I still make mistakes. My change is the biggest in my attitude and my anger. I used to blow up at every little thing (and cussing was a part of it too) and then I would let my attitude be stinky for extended periods of time. I still have bouts of anger (for good reason sometimes), but not once have I cussed since my weekend. And like today, I may have rough days (and believe me I've had a few doozies since then) but they don't seem to last.

Ok, back to my day. I had some hurtful words spoken to me. They were not spoken on purpose and the person didn't even realize that they were going to hurt me. In fact, they spoke out of some physical pain and in some weird way I think they were trying to pay me a compliment. A few other things happened after that. Normally these other things would not bother me, but when you've had a hurt, there's already a wound and it's very easy for someone to pour salt on a wound without meaning it.

Normally, I would have blown up at these people. I would have cussed, yelled, thrown a pity party, and then put a post on facebook about how "insensitive some people are". But I didn't. I had an hour drive home after these hurts (and grocery shopping) and I spent the time just crying out to God. I literally was crying(sobbing) and praying. Telling God how alone I felt and that I just needed Him. That I didn't like feeling like this and I don't want it to control my life and to please take it away. Can you imagine how this looked to the people passing me...cause I was only going 62 on the highway?

By the time I got to Scott City (1/2 an hour into my trip home) I was already feeling better. In fact, I was feeling better enough to share with one of those that had said words at the wrong time to me. I was able to explain my feelings and why I was hurt and that it was not them, it was just the timing of it all.

Lesson for today: It's ok if you feel hurt when things are said or done. God never told us we had to be doormats. We are even allowed to be angry about things. It's when we take it too far and let it control us that it gets out of hand. If you can cry out to God and let Him truly have it, He WILL take it away.

Adoption

The second day back from my "encounter" God did a similar thing that He did on my first morning. I didn't have a vision, but I did have a moment where God taught me through a life experience and His Word.

I woke up the same way, with God on my mind first thing (which I have found is the best way to wake up). My very second thought, which occurred within moments of waking up was of my two girls. My girls are adopted. I was overwhelmed with this love that I have for them. That I would give my life for them if need be. That I would defend them tooth and nail if I have to. This miraculous love for children that I did not grow within my womb, that I didn't even meet until they were teenagers. He then confirmed how much He loved an orphan like me and chose to adopt me.

There are verses in the Bible that tell us about taking care of orphans, but above that there are verses in which God tells us that we are His adopted children. God created the concept of being adopted.

Here are a couple verses about how we are orphans:

"For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, 'Abba, Father.'" Romans 8:14-16

"But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons." Galatians 4:4-6

"And I chose you to be My child from the beginning of time." 2 Thessalonians 2:13

"But we should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth." 2 Thessalonians 2:13

"He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved." Ephesians 1:5-6

God adopts us as His own. The love He has for us is an awesome and powerful love. His love is so powerful that we can't even truly love someone without His love in us.

1 John 4:19 says, "We love because He first loved us."

I love the idea that I was a chosen person. That He chose to love me when He didn't have to. I am a sinner, a lowly sinner. But He loved me so much that He sent His son to die on the cross for me that I might live eternally with Him. (John 3:16-17)

Are you ready to be adopted, dear orphan of this world?