My baby boy

Today I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I buried our most recent angel baby. We named him Isaac Samuel. I've had 8 miscarriages, but have never been able to actually bury our babies.

We picked out a nice little box to put his remains in and then I used a wooden recipe box to put that little box in along with cards and letters from us as his family.

He's not too far from us. There is a small tree in our backyard and I thought it was the perfect place for my sweet angel. I bought a cross marker that has his name and the date that he passed. I placed flowers by his tiny grave and a stone on top of his place of rest.

I know to most people, a miscarriage means nothing but a woman losing a pregnancy that would have one day been a baby....but to a woman who has had a miscarriage they are losing an actual baby. Someone they wanted to get to know and watch grow up. A woman already loves her baby from the moment that she finds out this tiny person is real. (aka...a positive pregnancy test).

I know most people think that life is supposed to just go on like normal, but I just can't do that. I have to grieve like any other person that loses a loved one. I made a good step today. I was able to get motivated to clean my house and do some work that I've been neglecting. I thought this was a great step in the right direction. I know that I can continue to move on because of today.

Sorry if this post seems too personal, but it's like I said...I am pretty sure it's just for my benefit anyway.

Battle Raging

I have found that I can pretty much say whatever I need to on here....I think I'm the only one who reads it. But it makes me feel better to get it out. So I guess here goes the post for myself.

I'm struggling today. I can feel a battle raging internally with me. I have negative feelings battling with positive feelings and I'm really not sure which ones I'm rooting for.

I would love to tell you that I want the positive feelings to win, but the negative feelings are so strong at this point that I just want to let them take over. But there's something that won't let me give in to them. And deep down, somewhere, I know that I can't let them win.

On one hand I'm trying to grieve with joy (how does that happen?) but yet I want to be angry with the world and with life. I want to give in and say that I am just not blessed like others....but then where is the promise of God in all that? I want to say that I have a great and wonderful purpose...but it seems as if all that I try, I fail at.

Can you see the battle raging? I know I need to fight for the positive, but I just can't see past the negative at this point.

I see so many others with tremendous gifts and talents. With so many friends that surround them. And then there's me. I sing...but with nowhere to sing, what's this gift for? I have a couple acquaintances and even a couple that I'd like to call close friends...but I don't have much in common with them. I'm the only one I know that does not know what it's like to be pregnant or have a baby or young child. All I know is a teenager...and even then, I have been ridiculed that we stepped out of God's will to adopt her.

Believe me...I want to believe all the good. But may I quote a movie that I really like? "The bad stuff is harder to believe." (Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman) Sometimes this is really how I feel.

I'm sorry that this is such a negative post...but until this battle is won, I'm stuck in the middle of the fight and I'm so tired. I'm so, so tired.

When I Grow Up

I've been wondering a lot today what I want to be when I grow up. Yes, I know, I'm almost 30 so shouldn't I be grown up enough? Obviously not. I feel so restless where we are. I love people in our community, I really like my job, and I love having a house that we don't pay rent or payments on....but I just want more.

I feel like we go through everyday just "getting by" and that doesn't seem right. Ok, so we can't have a baby...now what? Ok, so the system won't let us adopt again...now what? We feel excluded from our community...and to be honest I have only 1 real close friend here...and we only have time for once a week or even once every two weeks. I usually get away and get my "different life" fix by going to eastern Kansas...but I don't even have time to do that lately. And to be honest when I call them I've found that they are usually busy and don't have time to chat...so I kinda quit making the effort.

I have started a new relationship with someone who I've found I can call at 3:00 am and she will answer and let me cry. In fact for awhile we were chatting about twice a day. I love having someone to talk to when I need them...but then I feel so guilty that it kills that too. I just don't have answers.

I really, really need something more in my life right now, but I can't figure out what it is. Am I restless? Is there a hole somewhere in my life that needs filled? What's up? Why don't I feel like my life is being fulfilled? I've been searching in different places to see what it is that I need. I've tried getting organized...doesn't make me feel any better, just more organized. I've tried doing more things for Scott and Martie. Things such as making better meals, keeping the cupboards stocked better, getting the dishes done sooner...but I'm just getting filled up with good food.

So, my question still goes unanswered....What am I supposed to be when I grow up?

Moments

What else can I call this post? There are just moments in life that you can't put in a title. Some are good, some are bad, and some you just can't define. How do you label a moment when you are sad, but can't be sad for the person you are sad about? I know, doesn't make much sense. Let me get it out.

We are re-arranging our basement (and putting part of our upstairs, downstairs to rid the clutter upstairs). So I am moving all my scrapbooking stuff. I get to my table tonight and right on the top of everything is the last papers I put on the table to file away for scrapbooking...eventually. What is it? It's the program from my Grandma Pollock's funeral. While I can go most days without getting emotional about it, mostly because she lived 16 hours away and I tend to pretend I just haven't spoken to her in awhile, tonight hit me hard. I looked at the verses spoken, poems read, and songs sung....and it hit me. My Grandma is not here to speak with. I know it's not good-bye forever, just "see ya later" but it hit me that I don't know when I will get to see her again.

I have 3 Grandpas up in heaven, but Grandma JoAnn was the first Grandma that I lost. I know she loved me, and I loved her. Maybe that's why it's hard...the first of something is always hard.

I don't know if it's biblical to think this way, but I tend to feel that she's with me a lot of the time. I imagine that she's watching over me. And with as many butterflies as I see, it's got to be true. When I see one, I usually say hi to it, as if talking to her. Yes, label me crazy, but I do it. I did something similar (and still do) with my Grandpa Pollock. When I'm singing in the van I pretend he's in there with me listening...so I always try to sing my best.

I guess I just had a moment that I missed her like crazy. (ok...it's been an emotional night for other things too)

So I guess my next scrapbook project will be to get the page done for my Grandma. I think it will be good therapy.

And God, can you please tell my Grandma that I love her and miss her? Give her a hug for me. Oh...and don't forget Grandpa. Tell him it's from his "Melissa Dawn".

Here's a poem that was found in my Grandma's Bible and was read at her funeral. I feel the need to hold on to it dearly.

ON THE TWENTY THIRD PSALM
"In pastures green"? Not always; sometimes He who knoweth best, in kindness leadeth me in weary ways where heavy shadows be.

And "by still waters"? No, not always so; ofttimes around me the heavy tempests round me blow, and o'er my soul the waves and billows go.

But when the storm beats loudest and I cry aloud for help, the Master standeth by, and whispers to my soul, "Lo, it is I".

So where He leads me, I can safely go, and in the blest hereafter I shall know, why, in His wisdom, he hath led me so.

"Prepare"

At the beginning of this year my husband and I got a very familiar message from God. We got the same message at the beginning of the year that Scott found out about his eye cancer. The message was one word long and the word is a pretty simple one..."Prepare."

Seems easy enough, right? The two times that God has given us this message, we have no idea what's coming, we have just learned that it means, "Hold on tight to Me(God) and the truths I have taught you." We found out this summer what prepare meant this time....so I'll give it to you in the shortest version I know.

It started out in the spring with my dad getting very sick. We weren't sure what it was and the dr's were baffled because they thought it was his gall bladder but found out it wasn't. My dad was convinced it was stomach cancer. We just knew he was very sick. Finally after weeks of suffering with throwing up, sleepless nights and lots of pain. He was finally diagnosed with an ulcer. He is now on meds and a special diet (I'm pretty sure he's taking the meds....can't say how the diet is going).

With that behind us we planned for our summer. It was gonna be a good one with lots of fun times. We went on vacation at the end of May/beginning of June to Minnesota and South Dakota. It was awesome.

While on our vacation we get a phone call that my dad was in an accident. I can't give details, but it was not just a fender/bender. He's ok, but very shaken up. We are ok as long as he's ok. Again, time to move on in life.

We get back from vacation and start our "real" summer vacation at home. That is until the middle of June. I'm outside practicing for an upcoming concert (without my phone). Martie runs outside yelling, "Michael and Destinee were in an accident!" Thinking it couldn't be that bad or we would have gotten an emergency phone call (hmm...phone was inside...??), I call my mom and ask what's going on.

She tells me that they've been trying to call and that yes, Michael and Destinee were in an accident. That Taydem wasn't with them and that they don't know any details except that a first-responder called them and told them to get here asap.

I go into panic mode. Then a person that knows Michael and Desi comes over and shares with me that she just found out they are life-watching my brother to Wichita, but still no details.

To make a long story short, my brother and his wife were in a very serious accident where they were both thrown out of the vehicle. Their son was not with them (and we ended up taking care of him for a short while). Both of them ended up being flown to Wichita. Many broken bones and a few surgeries for both of them. They are currently at home and as far as I know now, my brother is doing well and Desi is making progress but still not fully recovered (will take awhile).

Ok, that's enough to make you go, "wow! What a summer!" But I'm not done yet. Shortly after the accident a situation with my dads accident brings that one all back up again (sorry, can't share details). This summer has not been good on my dad's ulcer.

I did have one good hospital visit so far this summer. My sister-in-law had my nephew Chaseton. He's such a cutie and looks just like his dad. He's one of the bright and sunny moments of our summer.

Not too long after this, a member of my husbands family finds out they have cancer....not sharing any other details at this moment. And all the while Scott's dad has had hip issues from a previous hip replacement. He's planning to have a surgery at some point to fix things.

Things are going well, I'm thinking it's all looking up. I'm at work one day and since all is going well, I don't have my phone with me (it's in my purse). The store phone rings. It's my mom to tell me that my Grandma from Minnesota has passed away suddenly. So, we pack up quick and leave the next day for Minnesota where I sing at my grandma's funeral.

Did I mention that on the way up to Minnesota we visited my father-in-law in the hospital because he just (the day my grandma passed away) had his surgery on his hip. Unfortunately, when the dr does the surgery he finds that it's very infected and he has to clean it up instead of just fixing the hip. But all is well, they cleaned it out, he'll stay a few days in the hospital and then be ok till they can do another hip replacement.

Get back from Minnesota and the same day we get home I have a concert. We find out that my father-in-law is not doing well and has developed pneumonia. Within a day he's in icu and not breathing well on his own. He does eventually have a breathing tube in so he can actually breathe. My husband spends a couple days at the hospital with his family helping to get his dad better.

Well, his dad got better, got the breathing tube out, is out of icu and at another hospital in the town he lives in. He's recovering as we speak and looking better everyday.

And so far, that's our summer. I'm really looking forward to school starting. And I'll be honest, the next time I hear God say, "Prepare" you can bet I'll be preparing much better than I did the last two times.

Day 6 (of 31)

So it's time for day 6 (two days in a row is good for me). I noticed that my day 5 post, posted on the date that I saved it and forgot to post it. So if you didn't see it, go back and look at it in my March posts. But hopefully, I will be better now about posting on a regular basis.

Today's post is really hard. I've been thinking about skipping it (or making up a new one). Forgive me that my final decision was to just go ahead with the original day 6. I promise I did not decide to do this because I want pity or to make anyone feel bad. Please remember that I have made peace with my life and what God has chosen to do with it. I guess before you go crazy, here goes:


Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day



This is my sister-in-law...and I only used her because she's the only one I have a picture of while pregnant. (sorry Tanna!)
I would trade places with a pregnant woman for a day. To feel a small human being kicking and moving inside my body would feel so miraculous. But I DO NOT have to have this experience to have joy in life. I choose to have joy in all things because it is God that is leading my life. He knows what's best (even when it hurts a little).

Venting

I just have to vent. There is only one thing that I am not liking about being an adoptive parent. It's not my daughter, it's not the things she does, it's not even where she's been in her life. The thing I don't like is the birth family...or some of them. No, it's pretty much all of them. My daughter is no longer theirs (the story is not important). We chose her, we wanted her, we've worked with her and been through hell with her (sorry for the language). So I get a little peeved when a birth family member thinks they have the right to try and brainwash my daughter or to try and "fix" what supposedly wasn't the birth family's fault. Ok, the past is over-with. The birth parents don't have legal rights, we do. I have the new birth certificate to prove it....so butt out.

I was asked today if when my daughter turns 18, if she's released. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN! Is it not the general rule that at 18, a child turns into an adult. Old enough to make their own choices. In a word they are "released". Why should it be different? Except that I know what was meant by that...."is she released to go from your child to our child again?" Hello! I do not plan on going through hell raising her and getting her to overcome her past, just to give her back to those who did this to her. I mean do I have "idiot" written on my forehead?

I'm sorry...I just had to vent. It's my mommy instinct. I am protective of my daughter. The only person I will share her with (besides Scott) is God. She belongs to Him first and foremost....and He gave her to us. TO US!!! Get it through your head. I love her as if she was from my own body. I want the best for her (even if she gets mad at us for decisions we make for her).

Adoption is a beautiful thing..I think it's miraculous. I am sure now that I would not do well with an open adoption. But if it was fully closed, I would choose to adopt again. It's all up to God.

I guess since we had prom last night I do need some sleep....cause I was the parent waiting in the living room dozing on the couch. I might be more upset because I'm tired. So I'll leave you with my venting and a promise that I'll post pics of prom and my beautiful daughter and her date (he seems like a pretty good guy).