Agony, pure agony. I'll tell you what it is. It's when your soon-to-be newest daughter calls on the phone almost every night and is almost in tears asking when she can come home. To hear her voice saying, "Mama, Papa, can't I just come home?" Talk about heart-breaking...especially when I can't do diddly-squat about it.
But anyway, I was thinking tonight about something. Psalms 113:9, "He makes the barren woman abide in the house As a joyful mother of children. Praise the LORD!" God gave me this verse about 5 or 6 6 years ago when I wondered why I couldn't have a baby. I've always held on to this verse and I've even had people tell me that they envisioned me with my house full of children (even if they weren't my own).
Guess what I realized?!?!?!?! I am a happy mother of children...yes, plural! I have Martaysha, soon to by Katryna....and to add to it, I have friends of Martie's and Katryna's that call me mom. Martie's boyfriend for example calls me "mommy #2". I can't even begin to express how this makes me feel. It's such a great feeling to watch God answer a prayer that is 8 years old.
And as I look back I can see how everything fit together. I may have gotten angry and frustrated at the time, but if things didn't work out just like they did, all of it would be different.
For example, if we had our own baby we never would have adopted Martie (loss #1). Then if we hadn't adopted Martie, she wouldn't have become friends with Katryna and taken her under our wing....and there would be no adoption of Katryna. Then, if we didn't have Martie, she wouldn't be dating Neal and therefore, I would not be his other mommy. Are we seeing a pattern here? There's a reason for everything.
So, just think about your life. Have you had times that didn't make sense, and maybe even made you angry? Just think of your future (past all these "trials") and imagine what good God might do with it all. I promise it's there! God Bless!!!!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
New Addition
I am so excited to be posting this....I feel like I did a little over 3 years ago when we found out we were adopting Martie.
Here goes....
We are adopting again!!!!!
Yes, you heard me correctly. God finally said it was time once again to add to our family. She is actually from our area and we know her really well. We know her situation and what she's been through. She just turned 14 in October. Yes, we weren't sure we wanted to do the whole teenage girl thing again....but I've learned that what we want and what God wants us to do are usually two different things.
She is such a sweet girl. She and Martie are already good friends, so the transition to sisters won't be a drastic change. The only difference is that they will fight more because they will live together.
We started our paperwork, fingerprints, and will be doing our physicals very soon. The tentative date for right now is February 17th/18th. (yep..right around my birthday!) There is a chance it could be sooner, but with the state and the way it went with Martie, I'll keep the Feb date in mind.
If the paperwork gets done in time, we may get to see her for New Years at my parents house, but again this is up to whether or not the paperwork gets done and they get things in line. They want it all done soon so we can start getting weekend visitation. That will be awesome. We get to talk to her on the phone as much as we want and if we are that direction, we get to visit her if we want. We just can't take her out of that place for a visit until all the stuff gets done.
It sounds really crazy, but we have been getting a much better response this time around. Not that people weren't excited that we were adopting Martie, but I think it was such unknown territory around us that people didn't know what to do. I also think they were worried about how two inexperienced parents were gonna do with a teenager. I guess we must be doing a good job, because people seem to know a little more how to act and that we will be just fine.
One really neat thing about it was that when we announced it at church, it actually gave me a feeling that I think is close to announcing to people that you're pregnant. I don't really remember with Martie how that was...but I think since it was all so unknown and new, the feelings of fear and anxiety clouded the excitement that I felt. This time I am able to just fully feel the excitement since we know the process.
So I finally get to announce one more time that we are "expecting"!!!!
Here goes....
We are adopting again!!!!!
Yes, you heard me correctly. God finally said it was time once again to add to our family. She is actually from our area and we know her really well. We know her situation and what she's been through. She just turned 14 in October. Yes, we weren't sure we wanted to do the whole teenage girl thing again....but I've learned that what we want and what God wants us to do are usually two different things.
She is such a sweet girl. She and Martie are already good friends, so the transition to sisters won't be a drastic change. The only difference is that they will fight more because they will live together.
We started our paperwork, fingerprints, and will be doing our physicals very soon. The tentative date for right now is February 17th/18th. (yep..right around my birthday!) There is a chance it could be sooner, but with the state and the way it went with Martie, I'll keep the Feb date in mind.
If the paperwork gets done in time, we may get to see her for New Years at my parents house, but again this is up to whether or not the paperwork gets done and they get things in line. They want it all done soon so we can start getting weekend visitation. That will be awesome. We get to talk to her on the phone as much as we want and if we are that direction, we get to visit her if we want. We just can't take her out of that place for a visit until all the stuff gets done.
It sounds really crazy, but we have been getting a much better response this time around. Not that people weren't excited that we were adopting Martie, but I think it was such unknown territory around us that people didn't know what to do. I also think they were worried about how two inexperienced parents were gonna do with a teenager. I guess we must be doing a good job, because people seem to know a little more how to act and that we will be just fine.
One really neat thing about it was that when we announced it at church, it actually gave me a feeling that I think is close to announcing to people that you're pregnant. I don't really remember with Martie how that was...but I think since it was all so unknown and new, the feelings of fear and anxiety clouded the excitement that I felt. This time I am able to just fully feel the excitement since we know the process.
So I finally get to announce one more time that we are "expecting"!!!!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Gluten-Free Thanksgiving
I've started my gluten-free Thanksgiving baking. I made cookies with chocolate toffee bits in them. I've baked chocolate chip banana bread. I have also made a loaf of sandwich bread, rolls, and bread dough to make into caramel rolls sometime this week. Oh....and I used some older gluten-free bread to make dried bread for stuffing.
I will be working on the pumpkin pies when I get there. I have gluten-free brownie mix and gluten-free rice krispies to make rice krispy treats.
I found my favorite bread mix. It comes in a green box...and I can't remember the name right now. But I had tried another kind of bread mix and the bread just fell apart after I baked it. But this one was an actual sandwich bread mix. I was able to bake it, let it cool, and then slice it pretty thin and it stayed together. So we will use that for Turkey sandwiches and toast this week.
I will eventually get my recipes on here, but I just had to share how much stuff I am able to do gluten-free. (it's pretty much everything really).
I'll keep ya'll posted on how well it all goes over. I'm hoping to get my family to eat one gluten-free meal with me just so they know that it's not all bad. There's nothing to be afraid of. I already got Martie's boyfriend, Neal to like the chocolate toffee cookies. Score one for this mommy!!!
Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving everyone!
I will be working on the pumpkin pies when I get there. I have gluten-free brownie mix and gluten-free rice krispies to make rice krispy treats.
I found my favorite bread mix. It comes in a green box...and I can't remember the name right now. But I had tried another kind of bread mix and the bread just fell apart after I baked it. But this one was an actual sandwich bread mix. I was able to bake it, let it cool, and then slice it pretty thin and it stayed together. So we will use that for Turkey sandwiches and toast this week.
I will eventually get my recipes on here, but I just had to share how much stuff I am able to do gluten-free. (it's pretty much everything really).
I'll keep ya'll posted on how well it all goes over. I'm hoping to get my family to eat one gluten-free meal with me just so they know that it's not all bad. There's nothing to be afraid of. I already got Martie's boyfriend, Neal to like the chocolate toffee cookies. Score one for this mommy!!!
Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving everyone!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Gluten-Free
I think I'm gonna (as well as posting inspiring stories) start posting about my gluten-free journey. I started it a couple months ago and then quit. But I started it again yesterday. I think it would be kinda fun to share recipes and tips about my favorite gluten-free products.
Like I said, I re-started this again yesterday. I weighed myself yesterday morning and then carefully monitored what I ate to make sure it was gluten-free. When I weighed myself this morning I had already lost 3 pounds. I was shocked! I really wasn't expecting it to work that fast.
I'm really excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas and have given myself a personal challenge to eat exactly what everyone else is eating...but make the gluten-free version.
For Thanksgiving:
I have a pie crust recipe and plan to make myself (and my daughter) a gluten-free pumpkin pie. We have gluten-free cream soups, so I will make us a green bean casserole. And don't forget the stuffing, rolls, and of course the gravy!!! My challenge is gonna be to make all these things for us, so we don't miss out on anything. Good thing the turkey is gluten-free...lol.
I will share how this goes as I make them...and I'll share how good (or not good) they were.
And here's my inspiration for you for the day:
From a strictly Mathematical Viewpoint:
What equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 101%? What equals 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%
but,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100%
AND, look how far the love of God will take you:
L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4=101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
Like I said, I re-started this again yesterday. I weighed myself yesterday morning and then carefully monitored what I ate to make sure it was gluten-free. When I weighed myself this morning I had already lost 3 pounds. I was shocked! I really wasn't expecting it to work that fast.
I'm really excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas and have given myself a personal challenge to eat exactly what everyone else is eating...but make the gluten-free version.
For Thanksgiving:
I have a pie crust recipe and plan to make myself (and my daughter) a gluten-free pumpkin pie. We have gluten-free cream soups, so I will make us a green bean casserole. And don't forget the stuffing, rolls, and of course the gravy!!! My challenge is gonna be to make all these things for us, so we don't miss out on anything. Good thing the turkey is gluten-free...lol.
I will share how this goes as I make them...and I'll share how good (or not good) they were.
And here's my inspiration for you for the day:
From a strictly Mathematical Viewpoint:
What equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 101%? What equals 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%
but,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100%
AND, look how far the love of God will take you:
L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4=101%
Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!
Monday, November 14, 2011
God said "NO"
So I decided to go through forwards I've gotten through e-mail and have printed out. I found a lot of very inspirational stories, poems, and other things. I'm always running out of ideas to make my blog more interesting, so I'm gonna start posting some of these periodically. They will reflect what is speaking to me at the moment...so you'll still get a glimpse of me through them. Here goes!!!
God said "NO"
I asked god to take away my habit.
God said, "No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up to me."
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, "No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary."
I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, "No. Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned."
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, "No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you."
I asked God to spare me pain.
He said, "No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to Me."
I asked God to make my spirit grow.
He said, "No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful."
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said. "No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all thigs."
I asked God to hel pme LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said, "...Ahhh, finally you have the idea."
"May the Lord bless youand keep you,
May the Lord make His face shine upon you,
and give you peace...Forever"
God said "NO"
I asked god to take away my habit.
God said, "No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up to me."
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, "No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary."
I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, "No. Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned."
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, "No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you."
I asked God to spare me pain.
He said, "No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to Me."
I asked God to make my spirit grow.
He said, "No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful."
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said. "No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all thigs."
I asked God to hel pme LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said, "...Ahhh, finally you have the idea."
"May the Lord bless youand keep you,
May the Lord make His face shine upon you,
and give you peace...Forever"
Thursday, November 10, 2011
My baby boy
Today I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I buried our most recent angel baby. We named him Isaac Samuel. I've had 8 miscarriages, but have never been able to actually bury our babies.
We picked out a nice little box to put his remains in and then I used a wooden recipe box to put that little box in along with cards and letters from us as his family.
He's not too far from us. There is a small tree in our backyard and I thought it was the perfect place for my sweet angel. I bought a cross marker that has his name and the date that he passed. I placed flowers by his tiny grave and a stone on top of his place of rest.
I know to most people, a miscarriage means nothing but a woman losing a pregnancy that would have one day been a baby....but to a woman who has had a miscarriage they are losing an actual baby. Someone they wanted to get to know and watch grow up. A woman already loves her baby from the moment that she finds out this tiny person is real. (aka...a positive pregnancy test).
I know most people think that life is supposed to just go on like normal, but I just can't do that. I have to grieve like any other person that loses a loved one. I made a good step today. I was able to get motivated to clean my house and do some work that I've been neglecting. I thought this was a great step in the right direction. I know that I can continue to move on because of today.
Sorry if this post seems too personal, but it's like I said...I am pretty sure it's just for my benefit anyway.
We picked out a nice little box to put his remains in and then I used a wooden recipe box to put that little box in along with cards and letters from us as his family.
He's not too far from us. There is a small tree in our backyard and I thought it was the perfect place for my sweet angel. I bought a cross marker that has his name and the date that he passed. I placed flowers by his tiny grave and a stone on top of his place of rest.
I know to most people, a miscarriage means nothing but a woman losing a pregnancy that would have one day been a baby....but to a woman who has had a miscarriage they are losing an actual baby. Someone they wanted to get to know and watch grow up. A woman already loves her baby from the moment that she finds out this tiny person is real. (aka...a positive pregnancy test).
I know most people think that life is supposed to just go on like normal, but I just can't do that. I have to grieve like any other person that loses a loved one. I made a good step today. I was able to get motivated to clean my house and do some work that I've been neglecting. I thought this was a great step in the right direction. I know that I can continue to move on because of today.
Sorry if this post seems too personal, but it's like I said...I am pretty sure it's just for my benefit anyway.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Battle Raging
I have found that I can pretty much say whatever I need to on here....I think I'm the only one who reads it. But it makes me feel better to get it out. So I guess here goes the post for myself.
I'm struggling today. I can feel a battle raging internally with me. I have negative feelings battling with positive feelings and I'm really not sure which ones I'm rooting for.
I would love to tell you that I want the positive feelings to win, but the negative feelings are so strong at this point that I just want to let them take over. But there's something that won't let me give in to them. And deep down, somewhere, I know that I can't let them win.
On one hand I'm trying to grieve with joy (how does that happen?) but yet I want to be angry with the world and with life. I want to give in and say that I am just not blessed like others....but then where is the promise of God in all that? I want to say that I have a great and wonderful purpose...but it seems as if all that I try, I fail at.
Can you see the battle raging? I know I need to fight for the positive, but I just can't see past the negative at this point.
I see so many others with tremendous gifts and talents. With so many friends that surround them. And then there's me. I sing...but with nowhere to sing, what's this gift for? I have a couple acquaintances and even a couple that I'd like to call close friends...but I don't have much in common with them. I'm the only one I know that does not know what it's like to be pregnant or have a baby or young child. All I know is a teenager...and even then, I have been ridiculed that we stepped out of God's will to adopt her.
Believe me...I want to believe all the good. But may I quote a movie that I really like? "The bad stuff is harder to believe." (Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman) Sometimes this is really how I feel.
I'm sorry that this is such a negative post...but until this battle is won, I'm stuck in the middle of the fight and I'm so tired. I'm so, so tired.
I'm struggling today. I can feel a battle raging internally with me. I have negative feelings battling with positive feelings and I'm really not sure which ones I'm rooting for.
I would love to tell you that I want the positive feelings to win, but the negative feelings are so strong at this point that I just want to let them take over. But there's something that won't let me give in to them. And deep down, somewhere, I know that I can't let them win.
On one hand I'm trying to grieve with joy (how does that happen?) but yet I want to be angry with the world and with life. I want to give in and say that I am just not blessed like others....but then where is the promise of God in all that? I want to say that I have a great and wonderful purpose...but it seems as if all that I try, I fail at.
Can you see the battle raging? I know I need to fight for the positive, but I just can't see past the negative at this point.
I see so many others with tremendous gifts and talents. With so many friends that surround them. And then there's me. I sing...but with nowhere to sing, what's this gift for? I have a couple acquaintances and even a couple that I'd like to call close friends...but I don't have much in common with them. I'm the only one I know that does not know what it's like to be pregnant or have a baby or young child. All I know is a teenager...and even then, I have been ridiculed that we stepped out of God's will to adopt her.
Believe me...I want to believe all the good. But may I quote a movie that I really like? "The bad stuff is harder to believe." (Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman) Sometimes this is really how I feel.
I'm sorry that this is such a negative post...but until this battle is won, I'm stuck in the middle of the fight and I'm so tired. I'm so, so tired.
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