Taking it day by day

Lately I never know if it will be a good or bad day until I wake up...or even halfway through the day. Some days Scott has such a good day we forget for just a moment that he has a terrible disease attacking his body. But days like today remind me that we have quite a road ahead of us.

Scott gets fevers, he continues to lose weight, he looks so pale and today his face even looks a bit sunken in. He gets pain in his body that makes it hard to function and do everyday tasks. Yesterday he had one of his tired and feeling weak days. He went to open an envelope with a card in it and barely got it opened or the card out.

It kills me to watch daily as he goes further downhill, or watch a new symptom show up. I try very hard to be strong for him, but it takes all I have to keep going, or more accurately, it's God keeping me going.

I have started praying daily that the cancer has not spread elsewhere, but I remind myself that with all the signs I see there is a very real possibility that his cancer has spread.

This is the toughest road we've been down so far, but it has helped so much to have family that lets me get angry and vent to them. They are so patient with me and I love them dearly for helping me be strong.

My sister-in-law also decided to order bracelets for our family to wear and to sell as a fundraiser. This means so much to me as I watch people requesting a bracelet to support Scott. This has given me strength as well.

I know that this road will be a long tough journey, and I have no idea what the outcome truly will be, so I'll keep moving on and being strong. With God I can do this.

Vow Renewal

Today was such a special day for us. I surprised Scott this morning at church. The pastor helped me as did our children. I've been planning it for about 5 weeks and couldn't hardly wait for it to get here. Since we will be celebrating our 10th anniversary next month, we renewed our vows this morning in front of our church, friends and family. It was a surprise to Scott.

There were so many tears this morning by not only Scott and myself, but just about everyone in the congregation. But renewing our vows had so much more meaning than it did the first time we said them to each other. We've learned what it means to actually live out our vows. It was so important to me for us to do it, especially finding out about Scotts cancer this past week. I want him to know that I'm there by his side through this next trial in our lives.

I really don't know what else to say, so I'll just post a picture from this morning.

A New Day

Well, it's real. Wednesday was not a dream and the journey is upon us. The shock has officially worn off and that was realized last night when Scott had to work late. This is not uncommon for him during this season because of harvest, but I still did not take it well. I called Scott and said some not nice things. I think I remember saying to him something like: "All the other guys at work can shove it up their butts. I don't care if one of them had a grandma die....I want you home and they can do your work for you."

I'm a bit ashamed that I had an outburst like this...and where the comments about the grandma thing came from, I'm not sure. If someone's grandma were to pass away, I would really not be that heartless. I do care about others.

But my actions and words were explained a little bit when Scott finally came home and went to me to see how I was doing. I turned around buried my face in his chest and cried "I can't do this." I guess we'll have to take turns being strong and it was Scott's turn last night.

This morning I felt a bit renewed and somewhat refreshed (still didn't get enough sleep) and I was ready for battle again. I made a facebook page for prayers and encouragement to Scott and the rest of us. I know that the more prayers we have, the better it will be...no matter what the outcome is.

I may have to use this blog to vent some when I don't want to be negative in front of Scott, but need to get out my fears and frustrations. I don't know how many people I know really read this, but if you are reading this and praying for my husband and our family, thank you from the bottom of my heart. The prayers are what is holding us together at this point. Thank you.

I'm in shock...

I sit here as my shock is starting to wear off. How do I react to the news we got today? My husband has lung cancer. Melanoma to be exact....leftovers from his eye cancer. I want to be strong, but I don't feel strong. All the what-ifs go through my mind and I wonder what the future holds. How long will this battle be? Will it be over quickly or go on and on and on? I can do this...with God by my side I CAN do it. But I'm speechless...I can't think. Today feels like it was just a bad dream that might be over soon...but it's not a dream. Its real and I just want it to go away. Just keep us in your prayers as we start the process of surgeries and possibly radiation. Lord, be by our side through our trial.

My Gut

I'm known in my family for getting "gut feelings" as we call them, and about 90% of the time my gut is right. I do this a lot with my kiddos, but it's happened in other areas as well. A funny example would be the times I've "baby whispered" family and friends. I'm under strict orders not to "baby whisper my sister-in-law in Topeka anymore....for now anyway.

But sometimes my gut lets me in on things that I don't like. The year my husband was diagnosed with his eye cancer my gut kept telling me to "prepare". I didn't know what, but I found out within a couple months why this message was so important as I heard my husband say the words "I have cancer".

I also knew in my gut that my timeline for trying for a baby would end when I was 30 and sure enough I turned 30 just a few months before my hysterectomy.

I have not always been right on everything...but enough to be scary. Thats why I'm a little scared about whats going on now. My husband has to have a biopsy done on a spot found in his lung. As much as I've tried to pray "God please don't let this be cancer" I've found that the words are blocked each time I try and pray them. Instead the words that come out are "please help us through this time. Give me strength to endure." I've talked to people who normally would tell me not to think negative thoughts of cancer and what that future might hold and they have talked me through how to prepare for the worst.

I do not want the worst to happen, but I do feel a strange peace, a comfort that no matter what the outcome, I will be fine. I will endure and I will do it with the joy of the Lord.

I do hope this time my gut is wrong. But if for some reason it is not, you will see this woman pick herself up off the floor after the shock wears off and she will keep fighting the battle.

ps....I just want to say that I know we refer to MY gut, but I do believe that these gut feelings are God speaking to me...I take no credit.

Keep your mind on Christ

It is sometimes really hard to keep our minds on the things of God. I say this because I've been doing research about some shows that my middle daughter has been watching lately. Scott and I have not felt right about them, but to try and explain to our daughter that she can't watch them because of a feeling we have wasn't working out to well. So I did some research today on these shows. What are the shows saying to our daughter, what is the christian perspective on them, were two questions that I wanted answered in my search today.

I found my answer in my internet search. I found a great article that spoke just what I needed to hear and what later today my daughter will hear. It's going to be very tough for her to hear all of this...and tougher yet will be our conclusion that she is not to watch these shows any longer. Why will it be tough? Because most of her friends are watching these shows, and it's very hard to give something up when our family knows full well that the other kids will be allowed to continue watching these shows.

We all have those things that we know are wrong for us to do, but yet we keep going with them. We know deep down that God does not approve of the action or thought, but it seems so innocent, it seems like it might be ok for us to do it because we are strong enough not to get in too deep, or we know God will forgive us anyway, right? These are not good attitudes to have. God knows what's best for us and that's why He gives us guidelines to follow.

The article I found used scripture to teach the reader how to judge for themselves whether something was good or not:

“Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

Think for a minute about that list of words: true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. This is a great verse to revisit time and time again not only with anime and manga but also with all our media decisions (such as movies, TV shows, video games and music)."

I will share the link at the bottom of my post if you want to read his article.

Is there something in your life that doesn't fit with this scripture? Something that gives you that "gut check" everytime you think about it, but you continue it anyway? I challenge you to give it up for Christ. He can see the world and our lives so much clearer. He sees the big picture when we can't.

If you aren't a parent right now, pretend you are for the sake of the example. Say your child is walking in a parking lot with you, and they want to run to the store entrance. You know that it's safer to walk and look for vehicles, but they don't understand this, so what do they do? They let go of your hand and take off running, right at the moment you see a car coming. You can see the car, but they cannot. You see the danger when they do not.

Remember God is our wonderful Father in Heaven. He sees the "cars" in this "parking lot" of a world. Let Him hold your hand and lead you safely to the "store entrance".

http://www.thechristiandefense.com/viewtopic.php?t=7776

I'm bilingual!

No, I don't speak much spanish, don't speak any french, and I don't know any other language at all. But besides english I do speak one more language. It's the language of music. I actually speak the language of music just slightly better than I speak english. How is this? Because I find that I can express myself better through music than I can by telling people how I feel or what I'm thinking. I tend to find songs that speak about a situation I might be going through, or might express how I feel about a person better than I can tell them. So what do I do? I will post song lyrics, I will sing the song, or I'll even post a video of a song.

Each of my children has a song (a couple of them have more than one song because I found 2 or 3 songs that might speak how I feel about them). I even have songs that make me think of Scott and how I feel about him. We have talked about renewing our vows and I've already been planning the music that will be played at that ceremony.

I really believe that music is powerful. Have you ever been in a bad mood? Ha...that's a silly question, who hasn't been in a bad mood. Well, think about a time when you maybe felt angry or hurt and listened to some music that fed those feelings. A song that expressed anger at a person for doing you wrong or something similar to what you are going through. It keeps you in a bad mood and you keep re-living the bad situation instead of moving on.

Now think about a time you were in a bad mood and listened to positive music. It may have been worship music, other Christian music, positive secular music, or even classical music can work the same too. This music lifted your spirits. It helped you realize that it was time to let the hurt or anger go, right? That's how powerful music is. It can alter your mood! Songs can make us feel sad, they can make us laugh, we can feel happy feelings, we can feel love, or we can feel angry. Wow!!!!!

So if it ever seems like I'm struggling to find words to express myself in person or on here, I bet you will shortly find me posting some kind of music from somewhere that will help me express myself. Try using music as your language the next time you might be struggling to express a thought or a feeling. You might be surprised that you can speak one more language.