A word from God...."by life or by DEATH"

Warning....this post is going to be hard to read and may cause you to be very emotional.

Today my dad gave my husband a word from God. It was something that my mom and I have discussed a lot lately, but there aren't many people I can discuss it with who truly listen. This has been something in my heart for awhile but have kept to myself for fear of offending anyone. But here goes, I'm going to bare my heart even more than I have so far. (and I hope I can make it through typing this)

The word my dad gave Scott was this verse. "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death." Philippians 1:20. I went to the Bible and read the little bit before that verse starting in 18b and here's the whole thing: "Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death."

This is interesting that the first part talks about rejoicing....I guess I might have to start at the beginning for everyone to fully understand.

The one word that I hear God saying to me over and over has been "rejoice". I know He is telling me to rejoice no matter what life throws at us. So it's very interesting that the word rejoice is in this scripture. I have been looking up the word rejoice and I can't even begin to put into this post what I'm learning about the word rejoice, so that will be another post itself.

Back to the word my dad gave Scott. The end of the verse says "so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death". This is where it gets hard to read. Scott and I have felt for awhile now, that no matter how strong our faith is or isn't, Scott will not be healed (on earth that is). I know God is very capable of it, I have the faith that He can heal Scott in an instant. But what does the verse say....by life or by DEATH.

My dad finally understood today that there will come a time when we do say "so long for now" to Scott and that this time will be much sooner than any of us wants. It's such a fine line to walk where Scott and I are right now. We must have a hope for the future and dream about that future, all while knowing that this future probably won't happen. We also have to have the faith that God CAN heal Scott, all the while know that we just know deep down that God won't heal Scott on earth.

Because of this, Scott and I continually pray that God would use his death for Christ to be exalted. That maybe by celebrating Scott's life, others would see his faith and come to know the Lord in a new way.

I know that this post might be very hard to read...trust me when I say that it's very hard to write. Sometimes I wonder how I can even get my fingers to type my husbands name in the same sentence that I type the word death. And I can tell you that it's only by the grace of God that I can even function on a daily basis. It's only because God Himself holds me up.

Can I challenge you all to something? Will you examine your life right now today and ask yourself if you will rejoice in the hard times? Will you have courage to let Christ be exalted in your body whether by your life or your death?

Faith....real faith

I had someone ask me today if I was having meltdowns regarding the cancer. This person said they would be concerned about me if I didn't. I was honest with them and said that I do have meltdowns (maybe too many of them at times). But then it got me thinking. I know that we have the facebook page to let people know how things are going, but I try to stay so positive when I'm posting and most people don't see my meltdowns. They don't hear the words I say when I'm venting all my feelings about Scott's cancer.

I haven't lost my faith through the cancer and I want others to see that it's possible to praise God in the storm. But in doing so, have I hidden the fact that I'm human and am capable of yelling, screaming, and yes, even cussing when the going gets tough? It doesn't mean I wallow in it. I do pick myself back up, brush off what I just did, ask forgiveness where needed, and keep walking on.

I'm not perfect, just a forgiven child of God who still has "moments". This is my faith, my everyday, human faith. I stumble, I do fall, but God never leaves me, He never lets me go. I know when trials like Scott's cancer come to us, (this goes for all Christians) people watch to see if our faith stays steady or if we fall away from our faith when the going gets tough.

I want others to see a faith that's strong, but I also don't want them to think that I'm a "praise Jesus when I stub my toe" kind of person. That's the person that puts on such a good front that they end up looking fake...and they also get on my nerves with how much they smile...makes me wanna slap a frown on their face just for 5 minutes. (ok, enough with that) I do praise God in my trials, but I also get angry at times. I can promise you, more times than not, my first response to stubbing my toe is trying not to say the word/phrase that made it to my tongue....and it's not "Praise Jesus!"

I have screamed the word "WHY" angrily at God. I have sat in our recliner sobbing and yelling, "THIS IS SO STUPID!" As hard as this is to admit, but I have family members that have heard words come out of my mouth that would shock those who don't know that well. God knows what's in my heart, so it's better to get it out and move on. Holding on to it just makes the "volcano" erupt more violently later on (emotionally speaking).

It's on my heart to write a book about our journey with Scott's cancer. I want to do this for two reasons: 1)I have only found one book about melanoma and as real as it was, I found no hope in the book and I want people to be able to read a book about melanoma and find hope 2)When I write, I can get my feelings out and not bottle them up inside. The name that my mom and I came up with for a title is, "Joy in the Mourning". I want this book to be about finding hope and joy even when your husband is told that he has terminal cancer.

I want to have joy in ALL things, but joy is not always the "happy" and "giddy" feeling we think of. Joy is a lot like love....it's a choice. It's choosing to count your blessings when all you can see is the probability of your husband dying within 2 years. It's choosing to sing praises when you want to be angry and yell at God for your situation. It's going out of the house when all you want to do is to stay at home and wallow in your emotions. It's dreaming about the future when the future is uncertain.

I guess in all my ramblings my message is really one thing. FAITH...real faith, it's the relationship you have with Christ, even through the trials. It's not about being or acting perfect so the world sees a perfect life. It's about being real, knowing this world is full of trials and tribulations, but having the hope for a wonderful future with our Lord and Savior. My life verse says this about faith in Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."

What do I see with my earthly eyes? I see a dark future of uncertainty, where my children may grow up without their daddy. I see a future of possibly being a single mother someday, of saying goodbye to the love of my life. A life where I sit by my husbands bed-side and say good bye.

But what does my faith see? It sees a future where God makes good things come of bad situations. It sees that my children will always have a daddy in God. And most of all, I see a future where all my family and friends who have accepted God's gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ, will get to spend eternity (forever and ever and ever) together in Heaven.

Rejoice

For the past few days I keep seeing one word. I've seen it on facebook, I've been hearing it, and then this morning I see it in the scripture that went with my devotion. I believe this is God trying to convey this message to me. It's one I need, that's for sure.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says:
"Rejoice Always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

My word of the day? REJOICE!

I need to rejoice in all things, everyday. Even when trials come my way, or I'm having a bad day, it's time to rejoice. This message couldn't come at a better time for me. I know in my head what I should be doing, but my heart just won't get there sometimes. I get hurt, I feel betrayed, I feel worthless and even lonely. But these are just feelings that can pass as easily as a cloud in the sky. It's the truths of God that will stay forever, and in this I can truly rejoice.

I know there are things in your life that you can rejoice about. Things can be falling apart, and you will still have something to rejoice about. Do you have a home to live in? Do you have family to stand by your side no matter what? If you have nothing here on earth you feel you can rejoice about, remember that you always have a heavenly Father that loves you so much, He sent His own son to die on the cross to pay for your sins. Now that's something to truly rejoice about!

There's even a Bible song that I remember singing as a child that drives the point home:

Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice.
Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice.
Rejoice, rejoice, and again I say rejoice.
Rejoice, rejoice, and again I say rejoice.
Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice.

A Note from a "Frumpy Housewife"

It's crazy how much you just don't get to when you have a toddler running around the house. Goodness me, if only they would share a portion of that energy with their parents. The days can get to feeling like the same old thing every single day. It's so easy to think you just aren't "doing" anything with your time.

My biggest struggle is just getting dressed in the morning. It's so much easier to just stay in my jammies, throw my hair in a ponytail, and call it good. This causes me to feel like I've fallen into the rut of being what I stereotypically think of as a "frumpy housewife". Do I enjoy viewing myself as this? No, I absolutely dislike this side of me. So what can I do about it? I've found that if I just make a tiny effort like getting dressed, and even putting on a small amount of make-up (some foundation and blush is all), I feel so much better about my day and about myself.

1 Corinthians 10:31 says: "Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." (NASB)

This means that no matter what we do with our day, we need to do it all for God. It doesn't matter if we are a woman who goes to work and makes big executive decisions or we are a woman who stays home with her children, changes diapers, makes meals/snacks, and cleans up the never-ending messes. It's all to be done with the Joy of the Lord. He's called you to this place, at this time, and the work you do is important to Him.

Living Life

Why is it that some of us wait until life is shortened to add quality to our lives? Why can't we all just live that way before illness and other things happen to us? The ideal life would be one where you always take each day and live it to the fullest, as if it might possibly be your last day with the ones you love.

I can't say that my life with my husband has never been full of quality life and wonderful moments. I just know that we could have always made a bigger deal out of the small things in life. Maybe not have complained so much about things that really didn't matter. To have cherished each moment we were in instead of longing for the next moment.

But from this moment on, I want my life to be about the moment that I'm in. I don't want to long for things in the past that I can't get back, and I don't want to long for things in the future that might look better. I know better than to long for what's next, because I'm not sure when "next" won't be there.

Scott and I are talking a little more everyday about what to do with this time of our lives. We each feel that our time is limited. We're not sure how limited it is, but that doesn't matter so much right now. We have talked about trips we may want to take, places we would like to see, people that we want to visit with. We have talked with my parents about whether to go on a cruise or to do a Disney Vacation with the WHOLE family. I guess it will depend on when we do it and what we can handle.

I am at a point right now where I feel like I should be somewhat emotional, but there's something keeping me from being so emotional. It's like I just truly can't cry. I know that I should and there's a part of me that wants to, but it just won't happen. It makes me think that there's something wrong with me at times, but then I wonder if it's God's way of keeping me in the fight for as long as we can fight. To stay in the moment and not in the future.

This post almost seems to be a bit like I'm rambling. It's like I go from one thought to the next....I guess that's the way my post should be as it's the way I am on an everyday basis. My thoughts sometimes just ramble from one to the next with no warning. I think it's from the deep down exhaustion that I feel. I can sleep a whole night and still feel like I could sleep for a week.

My days at home pretty much consist of waking up when John wakes up, changing his diaper, feeding him breakfast, getting Scott's meds, changing the dressing on Scott's back, changing Johns clothes, keeping both of my boys occupied and maybe get them to take a morning nap, do lunch for us all, do more meds for Scott, spend time with both my guys, try and get them to take an afternoon nap (now that I'm home this is when I'll do my housecleaning), start some supper, eat supper, get Scott more meds, then make sure John gets a bath and Scott gets a shower, change scott's dressing, change John into his jammies, get John a bottle and get him to bed by 9:00 at the latest.

Unfortunately this does not include the time I want to spend with Lizzy, paying the bills that are due and getting the checkbook caught up. It's also hard to go someplace by myself because I can't leave John with Scott and I can't leave Scott alone. I have to make sure I have a "babysitter" for them both. It's just much easier to stay at home with these two wonderful guys that fill my days. At least I know we are getting quantity time as well as quality.

I urge you to look at your life right now and ask yourself if you are living life to the fullest. None of us is promised tomorrow, so remember to live quality of life in case you don't get the quantity of life you want.

I am this woman...

I never wanted to be this woman. I wanted a simple, boring life where we all lived happily ever after, with a little bit of dysfunctional thrown in there at times. Where my husband and I grew old together and our children came to visit us in the nursing home when we were 80 and 90 years old. I was not supposed to be the woman fighting alongside her husband for his life, all the while knowing that the battle is only for more time, and not for the dream of growing old. I didn't want to be that woman who knows her children will be going through big moments in their lives without their dad. I didn't want to be this woman who figures out who she can tell the God-awful truth to, and who it is that she must sugar-coat the truth. I never wanted to be this woman who has a small notebook hidden from sight with the plans for her husbands funeral. I never wanted to be a 31 year old woman slowly losing her husband.

But I am this woman. I am this woman who knows that every moment counts. Every moment is something to be cherished. It's something that everyone should live like, but we don't. We just don't always remember to cherish the little moments, until we are watching our husband go downhill everyday. To watch his pain increase as his energy decreases. Waiting for test results to see which treatment might prolong his life just a little more. I am this woman who knows she must try and paint the picture a little prettier for her children, so they can hope for those big moments when they are older. I am the woman who keeps a pretty face of hope and faith, even on the days when she's not feeling it. I am the woman who finds out how strong she can be, but also finds her ultimate breaking point. I am this woman who some days stays positive only for the sake of her husband, so that he will continue to fight as hard as he can. I am this woman who borders on keeping her hope alive that God can do a miracle anytime He wants, but also knows to prepare for a grim future ahead.

I am this woman.....this woman I never wanted to be. I am the woman who's husband has metastasized melanoma....the kind of cancer that is referred to as the most malignant of all cancers. There is no cure, only treatments to try and prolong life as much as possible. It's a cancer that sneaks around the body undetected until one day, it's just suddenly there. It's a kind of cancer that refuses to respond to any of the treatments another cancer will respond to. That travels through the blood stream as one cell and chooses which organ to plant itself into next. And unfortunately this process is not detected through normal ways of checking for cancer.

I want to be any woman but this one...ANY woman but this. But that is not to be, because I already am this woman.....and there's no going back now.

Breathe, Mel, Breathe

I've been hearing that phrase a lot today. So I've tried to literally sit down at times and do that. It is hitting me today that the battle is real and as of tomorrow, the battle is on. It is like being punched in the gut that knocks the wind out of you. And all that's left to do is sit down and take deep breaths.

I was nervous about the eye cancer, but this is different. It's different in that it's inside his body, not on the surface of his eye. It's also different because I was a lot more ignorant before. I guess ignorance is bliss, as they say. One last reason: OUR KIDS! They don't understand this at all. They can't get why their daddy would get cancer in his lungs. The problem is that all I can do is be here for them. I can't take it away, I have to just be there and help them grieve this. All the while I have to find my own time to grieve and do what I need for me.

So today as I pack and get ready for the trip, you'll find me occasionally sitting down and repeating to myself "Breathe, Mel, Breathe."