I am this woman...

I never wanted to be this woman. I wanted a simple, boring life where we all lived happily ever after, with a little bit of dysfunctional thrown in there at times. Where my husband and I grew old together and our children came to visit us in the nursing home when we were 80 and 90 years old. I was not supposed to be the woman fighting alongside her husband for his life, all the while knowing that the battle is only for more time, and not for the dream of growing old. I didn't want to be that woman who knows her children will be going through big moments in their lives without their dad. I didn't want to be this woman who figures out who she can tell the God-awful truth to, and who it is that she must sugar-coat the truth. I never wanted to be this woman who has a small notebook hidden from sight with the plans for her husbands funeral. I never wanted to be a 31 year old woman slowly losing her husband.

But I am this woman. I am this woman who knows that every moment counts. Every moment is something to be cherished. It's something that everyone should live like, but we don't. We just don't always remember to cherish the little moments, until we are watching our husband go downhill everyday. To watch his pain increase as his energy decreases. Waiting for test results to see which treatment might prolong his life just a little more. I am this woman who knows she must try and paint the picture a little prettier for her children, so they can hope for those big moments when they are older. I am the woman who keeps a pretty face of hope and faith, even on the days when she's not feeling it. I am the woman who finds out how strong she can be, but also finds her ultimate breaking point. I am this woman who some days stays positive only for the sake of her husband, so that he will continue to fight as hard as he can. I am this woman who borders on keeping her hope alive that God can do a miracle anytime He wants, but also knows to prepare for a grim future ahead.

I am this woman.....this woman I never wanted to be. I am the woman who's husband has metastasized melanoma....the kind of cancer that is referred to as the most malignant of all cancers. There is no cure, only treatments to try and prolong life as much as possible. It's a cancer that sneaks around the body undetected until one day, it's just suddenly there. It's a kind of cancer that refuses to respond to any of the treatments another cancer will respond to. That travels through the blood stream as one cell and chooses which organ to plant itself into next. And unfortunately this process is not detected through normal ways of checking for cancer.

I want to be any woman but this one...ANY woman but this. But that is not to be, because I already am this woman.....and there's no going back now.

Breathe, Mel, Breathe

I've been hearing that phrase a lot today. So I've tried to literally sit down at times and do that. It is hitting me today that the battle is real and as of tomorrow, the battle is on. It is like being punched in the gut that knocks the wind out of you. And all that's left to do is sit down and take deep breaths.

I was nervous about the eye cancer, but this is different. It's different in that it's inside his body, not on the surface of his eye. It's also different because I was a lot more ignorant before. I guess ignorance is bliss, as they say. One last reason: OUR KIDS! They don't understand this at all. They can't get why their daddy would get cancer in his lungs. The problem is that all I can do is be here for them. I can't take it away, I have to just be there and help them grieve this. All the while I have to find my own time to grieve and do what I need for me.

So today as I pack and get ready for the trip, you'll find me occasionally sitting down and repeating to myself "Breathe, Mel, Breathe."

Taking it day by day

Lately I never know if it will be a good or bad day until I wake up...or even halfway through the day. Some days Scott has such a good day we forget for just a moment that he has a terrible disease attacking his body. But days like today remind me that we have quite a road ahead of us.

Scott gets fevers, he continues to lose weight, he looks so pale and today his face even looks a bit sunken in. He gets pain in his body that makes it hard to function and do everyday tasks. Yesterday he had one of his tired and feeling weak days. He went to open an envelope with a card in it and barely got it opened or the card out.

It kills me to watch daily as he goes further downhill, or watch a new symptom show up. I try very hard to be strong for him, but it takes all I have to keep going, or more accurately, it's God keeping me going.

I have started praying daily that the cancer has not spread elsewhere, but I remind myself that with all the signs I see there is a very real possibility that his cancer has spread.

This is the toughest road we've been down so far, but it has helped so much to have family that lets me get angry and vent to them. They are so patient with me and I love them dearly for helping me be strong.

My sister-in-law also decided to order bracelets for our family to wear and to sell as a fundraiser. This means so much to me as I watch people requesting a bracelet to support Scott. This has given me strength as well.

I know that this road will be a long tough journey, and I have no idea what the outcome truly will be, so I'll keep moving on and being strong. With God I can do this.

Vow Renewal

Today was such a special day for us. I surprised Scott this morning at church. The pastor helped me as did our children. I've been planning it for about 5 weeks and couldn't hardly wait for it to get here. Since we will be celebrating our 10th anniversary next month, we renewed our vows this morning in front of our church, friends and family. It was a surprise to Scott.

There were so many tears this morning by not only Scott and myself, but just about everyone in the congregation. But renewing our vows had so much more meaning than it did the first time we said them to each other. We've learned what it means to actually live out our vows. It was so important to me for us to do it, especially finding out about Scotts cancer this past week. I want him to know that I'm there by his side through this next trial in our lives.

I really don't know what else to say, so I'll just post a picture from this morning.

A New Day

Well, it's real. Wednesday was not a dream and the journey is upon us. The shock has officially worn off and that was realized last night when Scott had to work late. This is not uncommon for him during this season because of harvest, but I still did not take it well. I called Scott and said some not nice things. I think I remember saying to him something like: "All the other guys at work can shove it up their butts. I don't care if one of them had a grandma die....I want you home and they can do your work for you."

I'm a bit ashamed that I had an outburst like this...and where the comments about the grandma thing came from, I'm not sure. If someone's grandma were to pass away, I would really not be that heartless. I do care about others.

But my actions and words were explained a little bit when Scott finally came home and went to me to see how I was doing. I turned around buried my face in his chest and cried "I can't do this." I guess we'll have to take turns being strong and it was Scott's turn last night.

This morning I felt a bit renewed and somewhat refreshed (still didn't get enough sleep) and I was ready for battle again. I made a facebook page for prayers and encouragement to Scott and the rest of us. I know that the more prayers we have, the better it will be...no matter what the outcome is.

I may have to use this blog to vent some when I don't want to be negative in front of Scott, but need to get out my fears and frustrations. I don't know how many people I know really read this, but if you are reading this and praying for my husband and our family, thank you from the bottom of my heart. The prayers are what is holding us together at this point. Thank you.

I'm in shock...

I sit here as my shock is starting to wear off. How do I react to the news we got today? My husband has lung cancer. Melanoma to be exact....leftovers from his eye cancer. I want to be strong, but I don't feel strong. All the what-ifs go through my mind and I wonder what the future holds. How long will this battle be? Will it be over quickly or go on and on and on? I can do this...with God by my side I CAN do it. But I'm speechless...I can't think. Today feels like it was just a bad dream that might be over soon...but it's not a dream. Its real and I just want it to go away. Just keep us in your prayers as we start the process of surgeries and possibly radiation. Lord, be by our side through our trial.

My Gut

I'm known in my family for getting "gut feelings" as we call them, and about 90% of the time my gut is right. I do this a lot with my kiddos, but it's happened in other areas as well. A funny example would be the times I've "baby whispered" family and friends. I'm under strict orders not to "baby whisper my sister-in-law in Topeka anymore....for now anyway.

But sometimes my gut lets me in on things that I don't like. The year my husband was diagnosed with his eye cancer my gut kept telling me to "prepare". I didn't know what, but I found out within a couple months why this message was so important as I heard my husband say the words "I have cancer".

I also knew in my gut that my timeline for trying for a baby would end when I was 30 and sure enough I turned 30 just a few months before my hysterectomy.

I have not always been right on everything...but enough to be scary. Thats why I'm a little scared about whats going on now. My husband has to have a biopsy done on a spot found in his lung. As much as I've tried to pray "God please don't let this be cancer" I've found that the words are blocked each time I try and pray them. Instead the words that come out are "please help us through this time. Give me strength to endure." I've talked to people who normally would tell me not to think negative thoughts of cancer and what that future might hold and they have talked me through how to prepare for the worst.

I do not want the worst to happen, but I do feel a strange peace, a comfort that no matter what the outcome, I will be fine. I will endure and I will do it with the joy of the Lord.

I do hope this time my gut is wrong. But if for some reason it is not, you will see this woman pick herself up off the floor after the shock wears off and she will keep fighting the battle.

ps....I just want to say that I know we refer to MY gut, but I do believe that these gut feelings are God speaking to me...I take no credit.